Divine Chaos

Its over...after four years and what feels like the longest rollercoaster in history has ended! College is done and its time for a new chapter. This College Girl has made it through the longest, best, and most confusing four years of my life. I am a proud graduate and with that I say goodbye to this blog. I am moving forward in life and this was only for my college chapter. I realize looking back you all have been a part of my heart aches and struggles but also my moments of joy and clarity. I know I don't have it all figured out and the journey ahead is going to be long, but I think I am ready to take on what life has in store. Who knows what is next, but one thing's for certain you all can be on my journey for that too. I am starting a new blog: Divine Chaos will soon be up in running. This blog will be to share my whole new journey and the wisdoms I find along my way. Wish Me Luck!!!

Returning Home!

Welcome Back! lol
I feel like I have been away for quite a while and I am returning stronger then ever. There is a weird feeling in the air knowing that I only have 3 months or so left until this chapter of my life ends and another, bigger chapter begins. I can't lie, I'm scared....but this is not the time for that talk. I have 3 months that are going to be the most amazing and fun times yet. This term is one in which I am taking a class or two...but seriously I will be in school. More importantly I am dancing my heart out and ending the year with my passion. I have 3 dances that made it into the CW show and (fingers crossed) I will be choreographing and dancing in Terp. Yep...why am I making commitments? lol I expect to see my roommates napping while I'm running from one practice to the next...but I guess its worth it and I don't like sitting still long anyways. This term should be amazing so long as the weather gets better. Not to mention Flunk Day is around the corner so you never know what might happen. I guess I'm finally ready to make good and be happy, enjoy the time I got. So if I'm not smiling this term its probably cuz I'm tired because mark my words this girl isn't going to frown. There is too much good in front of me that I can't ignore nor would I want to. Here's Hoping this term is as amazing as I wish it to be!

Destined

Some people are destined for greatness while others are destined to do great things. I feel like I am destined to be a fighter. I never had it easy and I don't think I ever will. I watch people have an easy time or get what they want while I struggle to get by. The struggle makes us stronger they say, well I should be winning strong men competitions by now in that case. I wish some days things would get easier and maybe go my way, but I know that that isn't my destiny. I have a lot on my plate the next month or so with applying for jobs, finishing classes, and figuring out where I want to start my life. Clearly, I'm just a little stressed...lol. I guess the idea of actually starting completely fresh can scare someone even as strong as me. With that said, I know that I have to be strong and be the fighter I have always been to get what I want...in this case a job. I'm a woman with knowledge and ambition regardless of what disappointment comes I have to keep fighting because someone will eventually recognize that right? I mean we can only hope because I have no clue what my future holds for me. There is no certainty in life and as scary as that is it only makes me want to fight harder. No one is going to fight for me, I already know that, plus making it easy wouldn't make a difference in the end. Easy wouldn't make all this worth it or make me the fighter that I am. So my destiny is different than most, but still one that I rise to follow. I am a fighter no matter what and I will keep fighting for what I want, what I deserve, and those I love till the end. It may be stressful and frustrating at times, but with a little patience there might be something beautiful waiting for this fighter in the end. Here's Hoping!!!

Serenity Falling

When all else fails pray for serenity.

We can't win every battle and some of us can't win any, but truth be told the fighting is what makes us truly powerful. I recently felt like I have been fighting a loosing battle with life and what it decides to throw at me. I am blessed in ways, but been thrown to the sharks in others. In a funny way I am doing better, but better is still not fulfilling any sort of stability in my life. Maybe I am looking in the wrong places or hanging with the wrong people, but I am finding myself questioning friendships and choices I never found reason to before. Life has been playing ball with me for years, throwing curve balls when you least expect them and watching me work so hard just to strike out. I just question when my work will really matter, when all this good will be given a fair fight, a fair chance. I'm not sure when or where life will give me a chance, but until then I am Serenity Falling.
What does this mean? Well me having faith and knowing the serenity prayer that asks for wisdom to know the difference between what I can and can't change in my life is falling. This guidance and belief that serenity calms me is disappearing with the constant acceptance of striking out, of loosing people, of lack of trust. I'm not going to sit here and say that I have no good moments, truth is that I am blessed to have moments I would never take back, but at the same time I am struggling with accepting the same things constantly. That constant acceptance and idea of serenity with these things is making me jaded and numb. When you don't see anyway out or any change over time is there really going to be much hope of it getting better? My serenity is falling away in certain areas of my life. When you have dealt with so much bad, where is the good? Mind you this fall is not affecting the other layers, the parts of me that I strive to improve everyday and the people that I am blessed to call true friends and family. I am still a passionate person who is dancing her heart out and keeping her nose in the books. Yet, there is this feeling of peace being overshadowed that just gets to me time and time again. Here's Hoping Serenity stays around a little longer!

Priorities

 

 

The idea of priorities is something a college student struggles with daily. I personally am trying to figure out mine. I mean I am a student so yes classes and work are priorities, but what else. In my own way I guess I am making myself a priority. I am taking the rest of this year and watching my diet and working out till I bleed. Why? you may ask...because being healthy, feeling healthy, and loosing weight makes me happy. If anything I know being happy is what I need to focus on and make a priority. I just need to do what I can and be happy because in the end there is no one who is going to care about me like I should. I need to find peace and just be a lone soldier on the path to make myself a priority.

On another note the quote above means so much to me because it makes sense. I guess I live my life by the golden rule and in my mind I do for others because I would hope they would be there for me if I ever needed. I guess one thing I have learned is that its not always the case...honestly it rarely is. Yet, I still have this unwavering faith that this person might be different, that this time someone might make time for me. I can not make people care, I can't make people want to give, and I can't make people see. I am far from perfect and I am not one to judge. I guess I just hope for something more in life and with those I surround myself with. I don't think I will ever loose my faith and hope, I'm not sure I would ever want to....but I know that as tired as I am waiting for someone to be there and make time I will never not be there for those I hold close. You have to be the change you wish to see in the world as Gandhi said and I want people to not be afraid to trust. I want people to not be afraid to give of themselves, give of there time. As much as I need to be selfish I think being selfish is at times second to giving back. That's my opinion and your don't have to agree, but here's hoping it makes you think about your priorities as I'm constantly reevaluating mine.

I Am Enough

 

 

"I just want to be good enough." This is something I have said a million times or more. I just wanted to be enough for my parents, friends, for a love. Its silly and stupid to some, but I just wanted to be someone who was good enough. I have been good and done well but I always felt I came up short in comparison to certain people or just in peoples minds. It's hard to think you are good enough when you have been burned, broken, and rejected. It's funny how I know so many close friends of mine can't connect because they have been blessed with opportunities and lack of the word "no" being used towards them..lol. 

I am fighter with a past that has made me more cautious and realistic about life and love because life isn't fair. You can be a good person with a good heart and still get hurt, and still not be good enough. You are wiser and stronger they say and all I ever wanted was to be is good enough. What is good enough though? I mean if I knew then maybe I would figure out why I don't fit. Then I would try...try to change myself to fit...but why? A wise guy told me that you shouldn't change yourself for someone else, especially if you are you. I guess I wanted to fit so bad I was willing to change me...but the way I see it I have nothing to change. I have a good heart and a great personality, I'm not perfect but even in the imperfections I have plenty of beauty. Someone should see that right? If they don't then they aren't that someone...lol. As for the people closest to me they must see it, even if its not all the time, otherwise they wouldn't be there. I am good enough for me. I am still growing, learning, and getting better every day, but I am enough. I would hope I am good enough for you too regardless of my shortcomings and lack of confidence at moments. I am a fighter and I will stand my ground regardless of all those who pass me by or put me down. My hope is to remind not only myself , but you that you are good enough. Here's Hoping you stand your ground too!

I'm Back...

 

 

Back to school and classes, only kinda weird. I mean to go from teaching everyday to being taught is a little different. I know I have gotten to the Senioritus point now, not like I didnt have it before, but now I am just really over classes and I just want to pass and be done. Still scared of this stupid Cognitive Psychology class, but hoping it goes well (fingers crossed). Everything else so far has been good. This winter term is going to be oddly different for me and I feel that already. I mean I might just have time do accomplish things and do something new. I have working out everyday almost in my schedule, work, class, and currently I have time for studying and stuff. We will see how much dance I have time for. This term is just full of possibility...but to be honest im not really making plans. I mean of course I am going to class and keeping a schedule with stuff, but I'm gonna try and live each day as it comes, adventures and all. Senior Meetings will be had, so will parties, but as long as I get to spend time with all my friends before we part ways this year will be one to remember.

Currently I am just trying to keep my head above water and suppress this stupid cold. I am trying to eat better and branch out in all directions. The frightening thing is just the fact that adulthood is right there...I can see it and I know I have to get my resume perfected and sent out in order to feel more at ease. I guess there is no breaks for me no matter how sick I may be and honestly if I wasn't running around like crazy I don't know if people would recognize me.
Hope you all have started the year and the term on the right foot!

I'm Stubborn

 

So after having an amazing lunch with my brother and an awesome friend I feel kinda off. I mean it was a really good talk and it made me think a lot about life and myself. I guess its just the feeling that has always bugged me...I mean the idea of being good enough for someone or just finding a person in general. What I basically got out of this conversation was that Mr. Right is out there some where and if your lucky you might find him right under your nose. I think my problem is that I keep looking, that and apparently I don't get out enough...lol. I mean I'm social I just don't always have the push to go at it alone.

The other thing that has me thinking is that I am easy to read. I mean to say that if I like you, you know it. I'm not really a hard to get type of girl. I give until it hurts and ask for nothing in return but time. I guess this makes me easy: easy to walk past, easy to use, and easy to hurt. I am one thing besides easy though, I am stubborn. I'm not use to boys chivalry because I am too busy proving to them that I am just as tough, just as strong, and I can do anything that they can. I am so stubborn when it comes to my strength and my feelings. Sometimes I say things I don't mean like "It's fine." because I'm so concerned about looking weak if I say it hurt or no I'm angry. Heck I am so stubborn when it comes to boys, some would even say blind. I don't give up on people and I don't give up on hope, like the hope of something more. I have been known to ask about how someone feels about me and in that moment that they say I am a really great friend all I want to do is cry, but I hold my ground and smile and say ok cool. Its hard to trust people and let people in and watch that hope fall through the cracks. I can love somebody with all my heart, and I have and I would, but it doesn't mean they will love me back. Today I guess I just questioned my approach. Maybe I am too nice or give too much. Maybe I fall for the wrong ones or have too much hope. But that's me and as hard as it is to deal with I wouldn't change it. I love my heart and I love making people happy. Whether it is a friends birthday or grandmas Christmas gift I love seeing their faces smiling because of something I did or said. I figure I will get stepped on and used till the end. It will hurt and kill me but I'm a giver and a lover and fighter all wrapped in one. You better be certain that I will fight for what I love no matter what because I am stubborn and when I trust you and give my heart to you as a friend or more that love is real to me and worth fighting for. Here's Hoping I find someone who is willing to fight for me!

A Wise Guy Said...(Part 2)

A Wise guy once said that...well he said a lot of things and I can't possibly share them all. Mind you this wise guy occasionally has some less wise moments so he could really be called the occasional wise guy, but that just doesn't have the same ring to it...but I have sidetracked myself.

This wise guy said something that has made me think, "You have to make time."

Hmmm, make time you say....make time for what? "Anything, if you want it bad enough you will make time."

I see and this works for you? "I'm working on it." lol

Ok but seriously he has a point. If you want something bad enough you have to make time, no excuses. If you want to loose weight or work out you have to make time to do it. If you want to learn or do something new you have to make time. Heck if you want someone to be your friend you have to make time for them in your life. Life is really about time and how we spend it. We can be glued to a tv of a computer screen or we can get out and do things. We can do things for others or solely for ourselves. Think for a minute about your day and how you choose to waste it or use it, if you use more then you waste then I would say your doing good. But what does waste really mean? Heck I might waste time watching tv instead of being productive or making time for something more important, but other times watching tv is not a waste but instead a moment to unwind and breath. Waste and use are just terms that can change depending on the situation. Regardless, we all have to learn that time is precious and we need to make time. Sometime that means slow down and breath, give back to others, or do something for ourselves. In my case I need to make time for myself, in my friends case he needs to make time for others. It just depends.

I just thought I would share this with you before the new year. You might want to start realizing what you need to make time for in your life and start the new year on the right foot.

I Open at the Close

That Awkward Moment when you realize that as ready as you are to start the new year your scared of the future.

I mean you can't blame a girl right? This is a start of a new year in a couple days. People gather among family and friends, watch a ball drop, drink, kiss, or just make some noise to ring in a new year at midnight. In that moment everything is suppose to change, your world starts over, your ledger is wiped clean in an instant and its your choice to decide what you will do in the coming year. Will you change for the better? Will you take a new path? Accomplish a new goal? Or will you just push on with the same old song? So many choices and decisions...funny how on New Years we see them all.

Ahead of me I see goals and dreams I want to set into motion like working out more and loosing more weight, choreographing a piece or two, take an art class , and just enjoy the last year I have here among my friends the best way I know how. But even though I see the beginning of something great, my last who rah with everyone, there is a lingering sense of fear, maybe more so nerves. I'm nervous about the close of this chapter and the start of a new. I have a realm of the unknown waiting for me after graduation which is both exciting and nerve recking. I am free to choose my own path and my own future, figuring out where I might end up and who might be with me. Yet, there is trepidation in the fact that I don't know if I will choose the right path, find the right home, and find my way in a place I have never found myself before. There is comfort in knowing most of my friends are on the same path, but we are all on our own in the end. I have confidence in that I have done well, so I can do well, I can be a good teacher, but will someone else see that I am not sure. I know that I want to be fearless this year and just be as gutsy as I can be, fight for my independence and break away if I can. I want to go places and meet people, heck this girl might even fall in love...but no matter what happens I just want to live. I always try to live life with no regrets. That means fighting for what I believe in, who I believe in, doing things that are new, different, fun, following my heart, and just being me. I will stumble and fall and make a fool of myself, but I won't regret it. No matter the consequences, good or bad, I will have learned and lived something that I hadn't before. Here's Hoping you Live this year too!

Season of Giving

 



So Christmas is the time of year for giving and I'm feeling the giving part, but very little else. Maybe its because I am avoiding the belief that break will be coming to a close or that very soon I'm going to be super busy decorating a tree and baking like crazy. Regardless the Christmas season has not fully taken hold of me. I'm just relaxed and at peace. I got all my Christmas shopping done which is huge, but I will find out tomorrow if we still have things to buy for the rest of the family. I have to say the gifts I have gotten together are pretty great. I can't wait to watch the owners open them, I can't really explain the feeling it gives me to surprise someone and make them happy. I honestly sit back and just like watching people unwrap their gifts before I open my own. My gifts are great this year because I basically picked them all out. I picked out some epic clothes, great books, and have even got to play
Just Dance 4. I can't wait to get the crown jewel though: iphone5...soon lol.

Just as soon I have to start the baking line with my dad and make all the amazing cookies and candies. A list probably including: Chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies, snicker doodle cookies, oatmeal butterscotch cookies, peanut butter balls, toffee, fudge, cake balls, and maybe even pie. Yes I know we are crazy, but we do it every year and its become a tradition. Traditions like my sister and I exchanging one gift on Christmas Eve and us bringing down the tree with the million ordiments we own. Speaking of ornaments, that the other tradition in which my sister and I get a new ornament every year...this year mine is a squirrel. Its very me if I say so myself. This house can be suffocating and also rejuvenating during the holiday season. It can bring out the good and the bad, but family is like that. I like having a home I can go to, but I also like having my own space...so my hope for this new year is to find a place of my own outside of my home, for my sanity I need it.  Here's hoping Santa can bring this Christmas Miracle to pass.

Smiling

Hmmm so this holiday weekend has been one of the best I have experienced in a while. I got to eat plenty with family and feel more than comfortable in my own skin. Nothing like it if you ask me and a long time coming. Heck I even got my uncle, health nut himself, asking how I lost the weight. He was so sweet telling my mom I looked so good which only made me happier. Then I got the great job of waking up early and going Black Friday shopping with the family. I mean a girl needs new clothes after loosing weight and feeling good right? I would say great food and awesome Christmas shopping would make any weekend great but I got a little more than that.

For one I got one of my closest friends back. Its weird to think that I lost her, but hey life works like that and we forgive and forget. I had the best time texting her and talking about all the awesomeness that is our lives...lol, realistically its all the craziness and boredom. She is truly an amazing person and I am so happy she is back around, not saying it hasn't been weird, but I couldn't think of a year at school without her...that's my boo lol. The Dynamic Duo is back and I doubt anyone is ready for that!!!

Second, I have the best roommates in the world!!! They have been nothing but awesome and its hard to think one of them won't be returning in January. Its not goodbye though cuz she will return!!!  Regardless this break is nothing but awesome with their crazy text messages and kewl tumblr posts. They are AWESOME!!! lol (I guess I am making a love letter to all these people at this point but my intention I swear is to tell what has been what lately.) These two have kept me smiling with random messages, supportive words, and my favorite is the flashbacks to crazy apartment times from this past term. Its funny how close we have all gotten, funny to me because I have only known them for a 1.5 years, but that being said I wouldn't change it for the world. When you click with people it just works and we all just work in an awesome way. As different as we are we all kinda balance each other and I know these will be my girls forever!

Lastly, speaking of clicking I guess I have to bring to light the fact that everything seems to be clicking into place for me. Its weird and I don't want to speak to soon (knock on wood) but I am happier then I have ever been. I am happy in terms of feeling comfortable with myself and who I have become. I think it shows in my smile and my choices. I am smiling for me, for the person I am becoming, for the things I have accomplished and will accomplish, for the amazing friends I have, for the way someone makes me feel...lol. Mind you I am not saying things are perfect, but I am just perfectly happy with the imperfections. Life is what you make it and I'm living mine and taking chances...even falling into things I never thought possible. Here's Hoping you stay smiling too!

Fresh View and Parting Potatoes



Ok so its been quite a while since my last post so I guess I need to recap people on my life. I student taught for an amazing 10 weeks or so. I couldn't have more amazing students and my co-operating teacher was more than I could ask for. I really have grown as a teacher and feel confident in myself now which is a huge improvement from where I was. I have interest in staying in the area to teach, but we will see where life takes me. I have no idea about my future or where I am going to find a home. I am basically just a growing tree that has so many branches...but I want to find some roots too. I guess I am finding bits and pieces of myself and what I deserve. Its funny how things just started going really well when I take on the biggest adult challenge of my life, but I guess life works in funny ways. I meet amazing people and find like a pure happiness that I haven't really had before. Yet, I have to watch each step I make, I can't just fall because as my mother warns me the bottom falls when you least expect it. If you fall into bliss its likely things are too good to be true and the bottom won't be there to catch you. You have to stay grounded no matter how you feel inside...even if I want to jump and scream with pure happiness lol. To be honest this journey has been a rough one, but I am so glad I went on it and the amazing people I have met on the way have made it worth it.

Some of those amazing people are leaving to follow their own paths though which brings me to my goodbye letter to the amazing friends who have graduated and moved on. It hurts me to say goodbye not because this is the end of our friendship, but because I don't know how long it will be before I see your smiling face again. Too be honest any length of time beyond a day is weird to think about and way to long for me. I know you are off to do amazing things and be awesome as always, but its hard for me to know my family is leaving. Each of you have played an amazing, important role in my Knox family even if you don't realize it. I couldn't have had as much fun with out you or grown as much with out you. Each of you pushed me and helped me find me, but you also showed me so much love on so many occasions that I could fill a book. Before you leave this place know that regardless of the papers, classes and hours of partying done here that you made a difference and are part of something larger than you know. I will always be here for you and I hope regardless the reason that I can still call you and bug you for hours...even if it's on a potato phone. Much Love and Keep Smiling!! Here's Hoping You Find What You Need!

New Beginnings

So I made it back to Knox and I moved in only to run straight to the school I am teaching at this term ASAP for a meeting with a parent. I basically spent the whole day moving and got up to do the same. I'm not complaining because I chose this career, but it just makes this all too real too fast. I have always been a person who grew up too fast and wanted to be older...in some cases I had to be the adult and take care of things that I shouldn't have. In this situation though I know this is my last year of school and the closing of one door and the opening of another. Its scary to start something new and go out into the "real" world. Its hard for me to wrap my head around it right now so I am just trying to live in the moment and try not to look too far ahead. Student teaching makes it hard though because it makes it all to real the path I have chosen and the fact that I am going on my last easy year. Life is going to get hard fast and I have a lot of responsibility falling on me if I am ready or not. I guess it worries me that I'm not ready or that things might not go well when I'm the stand alone teacher, but I guess I will just have to find out. There is no turning back and regardless of the fear I don't think I would want to. I have followed the path to become a teacher the last 3 years, but it wasn't until last term I could say with certain that this is what I wanted to do...more importantly that this is what I want to be. This term is going to test me and be different then anything I have ever faced, but I'm going to face it with grace. I know I'll be stressed and freaked out....ehhh whats the worst that could happen right? lol
Here's hoping it all goes well!

Love is Love

When I found this picture I fell in love with it because this is how I feel completely. If you fall in love then it shouldn't matter who its with. I guess I connect to this in a number of different ways, but one thing that I have been thinking about lately is the acceptance of certain relationships. Life is too short to judge people and the choices they make, if its not your life and the choices you would make then I'm sorry, but it is what it is...move on. The only person you can control is yourself and you should just learn to accept everyone else.

I guess what gets me and isn't on this picture, but seems affect me the most is the problems people have with interracial relationships. I have been apart and have no problem with interracial relationships, but other people can have serious problems with it. It may not be the main topic of discussion today and some people may think this country is past that type of racism well...to put it gently that's BS. There is still this fear and separation that occurs and its gonna take open minded people to change that. To be honest its kinda sad to think that you would waste time out of your day to be angry about things you can't control, about two people who are happy, living their lives and not bothering you in the least.

I have loved men who were strong, caring, funny, passionate, driven, and just amazing people, I loved them for who they are and what they did. They treated people with respect and worked their ass off to do what they could for themselves and their families. I ain't gonna lie, I admire these men and my love for them runs deep to this day. It just astonishes me to know that no matter how much love two people can have for each other and no matter how amazing a person is people will judge. See the reason that they judge me at least is that I am white and the men that I speak of...well they aren't, they are mostly black.

I didn't seek it out, like I said I fell for the people that they were, it was actually surprising to me how people responded. There were some people who couldn't get past the outside color of he and I for whatever reason. I have had to face many two faced people because of my heart. People including family members on both sides that will look at your face and smile, but want nothing more then the relationship to end. There will always be those who stare, make faces of disgust, or do double takes to which I don't even pay attention to anymore.  You have to have a thick skin and a strong, fighting heart to be in an interracial relationship. Just like any other it takes work its just that sometimes it takes a little bit more work then most. With that being said not everyone will put up a fight about relationships because I know a whole generation is more open minded then the last. Personally my friends have always been supportive.

I never regret following my heart even if it has gotten broken and I will continue to follow it no matter where it leads. Love is Love no matter who it is with. Even if you feel challenged know that if this person makes you happier then you ever been then its worth the fight. Following your heart takes courage, following your heart down a different path takes guts. Not everyone is strong enough to put it all out there and follow their heart where ever it leads so take pride in that. I just thought I would share my story and speak my mind on this.

So here's hoping you keep following your heart no matter where it leads!

Lack of Open Mind

What do I treasure the most, I guess in people that would be an open mind. I was raised under the golden rule: "Do onto others as you would want them to do onto you." I guess I always took that to heart and never pushed my thoughts onto other people. I always listened with an open heart and mind, I would like to think I still do. There is a definite part of me that doesn't judge and tries to be open, but the truth is after attending college judging occasionally occurs lol. I guess I can't get past certain things or at least I realize I would never do them. As far as I have found this generation is more open minded then the past and that can never be a bad thing. I try and surround myself with open minded people, but sometimes you can't avoid the differences or those who can't open their mind. This truly is made even harder when the people you are suppose to be closest to, well disagree.

I was told disagreement makes your brain work, makes you think about what you may have never considered. This to be honest is true, but in some cases...well its just best to accept each others opinions as they are and move on, there will be no changing them. Everyone has that road block conversation at least once where neither side is making any progress...I ran into one last night. It is truly the most frustrating thing. You may ask yourself what could have possibly have been discussed that could frustrate a calm, innocent thing like me...ok maybe I'm not calm and innocent but I'm passionate darn it! lol Well truth is it doesn't take much, at least not with certain people who may not be as open minded, for me to get frustrated.

I've lived for 21 years now and I have had my ears open listening to people and making up my own mind about things. I have a drive to just be me and do what makes me happy. I have been blessed with a backing of values and morals to guide me in my life. It just gets frustrating to have those who gave me these values and morals disagree with my choices. Regardless I will keep fighting for my open minded life even if its tiring and frustrating sometimes. If I find happiness then why should I give it up and be miserable because of other peoples perceptions of how my life should go? Its just sad to know the people I want to make proud can't accept something that makes me happy, like someone I love. Inhale....exhale...

I'm strong, but like most people I have weak moments. There are points where words get to me and the feeling of failure and disappointment run me ragged, but I still get up. I fight in my own way because I feel that what I am fighting for is worth it. Here's Hoping You Stay Open Minded and Never Stop Fighting!

What You Can Learn From The Movies...

There are so many things that the movies teach us...like don't go around the dark scary corner, happy people don't kill people, cars can be aliens, vampires sparkle (Abe Lincoln could spot them easier), be careful what you wish for...like a talking teddy bear or Channing Tatum shirtless. The funny thing is that you can find the funniest and truest lessons in the strangest places. So this is where this movie I watched comes in...it was rated only one star, can't see why....regardless its this movie called She's Out of My League. I basically watched it because it has been playing constantly on E! for the past couple weeks. Its just a silly movie that puts a girl considered a 10 with a guy who considers himself a hard 5 when it comes to looks and everything. I guess your wondering what I could have possibly got out of this movie besides a waste of two hours, well there was a nice ending to be honest. The guy throughout the movie was told and felt like this girl was out of his league, that he was a hard 5 while she was a perfect 10. At the end there is this overwhelming realization so to speak that it's not that he isn't good enough for this girl, but he isn't good enough for himself.

This kinda is true though if you think about it. I mean I'm not gonna lie I have had those feelings before that I just was not good enough for someone. It's funny really because if you take the time to think about it that person wouldn't be talking to you or with you if they felt that was the case. People can have bad experiences or made to feel not worthy which can change the way they view themselves. I for one never got much attention from boys besides on the soccer field or dealing with homework so I got down on myself. You set restrictions or give yourself a number to avoid getting your hopes up and getting hurt. The truth is your only hurting yourself because the people you push away may very well like you and see you clearer then you see yourself. I'm getting use to this idea more and more over the past year and I'm still working on it. You have to see the beauty in yourself for someone else to see it in you. It is all about being comfortable and confident!

So this leads me to my summer goal. Some of you may know that I have been trying to workout more and loose weight. The great thing is that for once I am actually doing it and succeeding. I have always felt uncomfortable and I have been less then confident in my body, well I am happy to report a turn around. After hard work and eating right I have gained a lot more confidence and comfort with myself, I would go as far to call it pride. In total at this point I have dropped 20 lbs this year, which is a lot and I'm still pretty far from my goal. Hopefully (fingers crossed) I will be at goal weight by the end of the year. Regardless I feel amazing and I know it shows based on how much I've been smiling and how much fun I had at the club last weekend. One thing I know now more then ever is that I am good enough...for myself, if you don't like it there's the door.
Here's Hoping I Keep it Going and Keep Smiling!

Starting Over

So first I want to apologize for all the kinda depressing posts...my bad...lol. Being locked up for a long time, bed rest, oh and being home can have a strange effect on me, sorry bout that. Now I plan on starting over...hi I'm Megan how are you? lol Seriously though I guess I'm trying to turn over a new leaf like always. I seem to be on a quest for the right leaf, never seems to find it though.

In other news I have truly made an effort to at least clean house in the literal and figurative sense. Not only is my house a lot cleaner (with the exception of my room which is a work in progress) I have made some big girl decisions about who should be in my life. I deleted some numbers and I'm being brave not knowing where life is gonna take me, but knowing certain people are not gonna be on the journey with me. I told a friend about it and we kinda laughed. See maybe its just us and being stubborn, but we held on to people longer then we should've, 4 years to be exact. Our thinking being that we loved them and though we may not be together that friendship was worth hanging on to for all its worth...but it wasn't. Now I have no hard feelings, but its kinda sad and hard to cut ties with someone you were so close to. My friend pointed out it was much needed though because after a while the friendship was one sided and not a strong as it was before. You just have to press on and know that some people are not meant to be there forever even if you want them to be. So I did it, I let go and surprisingly I am still alive lol.

Alive enough to work at my new desk, clean up my stuff and try and organize myself some before the end of the month...when I have to pack up again to head back to school. In the meantime I've been trying to workout and play Just Dance as much as possible....with the exception of when I get distracted by Pinterest...lol

Here's Hoping for Many More Bright Days! (Not too bright, can't stand this 110 Degrees Thing)

New Music Suggestions

I'm posting some singers that I recently found that's music is really good, they have all been singing for a while, but they might be new to you so check them out!

Tony Lucca- Tony was on The Voice this past season, but he has been singing for a while. He got to the finals of the voice and came in 3rd. He became a favorite of mine so I looked up more of his work. He has a nice voice that has some grit to it and he can pretty much sing anything. Tony has made a few records and keeps to a blues, rock type music. I posted two links one an awesome version he did of Britney Spear's "Baby One More Time" on the show, which give the song a manly edge lol. The other link is of a song he did before the show called Pretty Things, its really beautiful so take a listen.
Tony "Baby One More Time"
Tony "Pretty Things"

Cher Lloyd- Cher came out on the X-Factor in Britain not long ago and sang Turn My Swag On the Keri Hilson version. She was impressive from the beginning and based on the amount of videos I found of her she was eliminated, but she lasted a long time on the show. Her style is a mix of pop and hiphop and is actually pretty good. I just like her voice and her songs are pretty catchy. Below is a link to one of her videos...I think her second single. If you like her check out "Superman" or "Love Me For Me" (I have these two stuck in my head).
Cher "With Your Love" feat Mike Posner

Max Milner- Another british artist who made his big screen debut on The Voice Britain. He has a grit to his voice as well...hmmm maybe there is a pattern there..lol. I found him looking for mashups and watched his voice audition, check the link below, which was amazing. He apparently made it pretty far, but didn't win. Max played with a band before the show and has a voice that kinda reminds me of The Script.
Max's Voice Audition

AHMIR- These boys I was shown freshmen year at Knox and they are really really good. They have amazing harmony and sing just about anything. I actually really liked their rendition of a Taylor Swift song...which is surprising because I don't really like her music that much. They have done tours and continue to post new videos mixing songs together or just singing it their way. If you like the link below check out their Channel on Youtube.
AHMIR "You Da One" feat Alexis Goddard

If you got any new music suggestions add a comment!

Getting Rain in this Drought!

Finally today it rained here at home. We were needing it too because it was pretty much a heat wave mixed with a drought. It got me thinking about things. For one I love rain so I chilled under the gazebo as long as I could, but it got me thinking about...and go with me on this...sustainus. What it is that makes us survive and feel good? Everyone clearly needs water and food to live, but there are things we all individually need based on who we are. I for one need people, I love being social and I know plenty of people who are the same. Other people might need a camera, canvas, chocolate, music, or the great outdoors. Each person has something that they love that makes them happy so much so that it becomes apart of them. Whatever it is you have to have it to survive, to be you. So I guess I am just writing this because it made me think about what makes me, me. Its funny how rain can make you see things differently. It clears things up in a way. So do what makes you happy, feed yourself with whatever it is that makes you tick because you should never live in a drought for long.
Here's Hoping The Rain Clears Your Sight Too!