Love Fell Out With Me...

"Falling in Love with Love is falling for make-believe!
Falling in Love with Love is playing the fool!
Caring too much is such a juvenile fancy!
Learning to trust is just for children in school.
I fell in Love with Love one night when the moon was full
I was unwise with eyes unable to see!
I fell in Love with Love with love ever-lasting.
But Love fell out, with me!!! "

Well I took the lyrics from the Cinderella movie, but I guess it kinda makes sense. Don't assume I am writing this out of anger or sadness because in reality I am pretty happy right now being free and single. I guess I just got this song stuck in my head and kinda related. I feel like I fall in love with people now and in the past who in turn let me down or at least make me feel stupid. It is hard to trust people after everything I have been through, but I keep trying. I just wish things got easier or people were more reliable. I end up feeling like a fool with all these people who turn their back on me when I never turn my back on them. I have so much respect for love and its power. I guess that's where the little girl in me comes out. I look at love as this amazing, beautiful, and wondrous thing. I fight for the people I love and I don't back down, but not everyone looks at love that way. Some people don't feel its worth the fight or they are not even open enough to love. I guess I can say I am one of the lucky ones because I have been in love, even though the love did not last. I know what it feels like, I know the challenges, and yet I'm still hoping to find love again. My problem is lately I have fallen for the wrong people as may of us do. I fall in love with who people CAN be and they break my heart with who they ARE. I see the good in people and the amazing strength, resilience, and heart that they have even if they don't show it or see it in themselves. It tears me in two sometimes because I fall and fight for this person I see when this person can be a jerk, stubborn, or hurtful to me. I guess what bothers me about it now is that I feel I deserve more. I deserve to be cared about in the same way I have cared so much about others. I should never be hurt on purpose or brought to tears. I am finally realizing that I can have it all because I deserve it. I might not be a super model or  an insanely amazing athlete, but I am beautiful and so is my heart. One day someone will see this and love will find its way back to me again....but until then I am going to have fun and be crazy, funny, adventurous me! Here's Hoping Love Finds It Way To You Too!

Happy Valentines Day!

So today is one of those holidays that some love, some hate, and some just work through. I personally am indifferent. I grew up giving out little valentines with candy at school, but then things began to change. Some where down the line things turned into so much more. Why do children grow up so fast? When do cards and lollipops turn into roses and giant teddy bears? I wish I could answer these questions, but it seems things change with out me even realizing. There was a point when I hated this day, mainly because things changed and this day became another day to remind me of how alone I was. I've been lucky enough to have a bf on this day in the past, but to be honest as I have grown up this day has meant less and less to me no matter my relationship status.  It is a day symbolized hearts and chocolate, nothing much more. I am happy to see couples having fun and spending time with each other on this day, yet its just another day to me, maybe a little better considering I had this amazing feeling of love from all my friends. One day I will find someone to share this day with, but its ok if I don't have them now, but when they do show up lol...all I think I truly want is one flower as my gift. Nothing fancy or chocolate covered, just a cut plant brought to me by someone who loves me for me. Call me simple or old fashioned, but I don't want a lot. There is more to life then gifts and there is definitely more to love. Here's Hoping!

Moving Forward

I admit I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I just know that I have a good heart and personality. With that being said I have had to deal with a lot this past term. In return I have had the good sense to think some things out and relax this winter break. So far I have come to some conclusions. One being that there are definitely a number of people in my life who don't really need to be there. I say this because after examining some things I feel like those people pretend to be close, but if they were really they would value the friendship a little more then they do. I also guess I have a terrible sense of bad luck because I can't seem to find true happiness for very long...I always find a way to screw it up. Lastly, I think the most amazing thing that I have found out about myself is that I am stronger then I appear. Yes, this past term I fell deep on weakness, but it took quite some time for me to break my strength. If I was truly weak I would've fallen a long time ago, but I remained strong. I admit I have done a lot of things I am not proud of, but at the time they seemed like the best ideas. Many of my decisions have been made out of love or pain, not the best idea acting on emotion yet it seemed to give my decisions more creditability. I've long been known as a romantic or sorts, I follow my heart more then my head. It has gotten me into trouble a time or two, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My heart's desire, my hearts choice is what allows my conscious to be clear at night and for me to have little regret.

Now its time for me to make some hard choices in how I am going to deal with things. For one I have to find peace in some way. This can be found a number a ways and for me the main two are going to be talking to people and being my artsy self. Call it Art Therapy, but I am back to writing and drawing again. In the moments I am working on a piece I am focused, thinking only of my work and away from the crazy pain I struggle with sometimes. It calms me and in the end I have something I am proud of. I need to separate myself from the people I can't trust and surround myself with those I can. Life isn't easy, but I find time is best spent around those who matter.

*Note for those who matter: I often look to you for help and talk you ear off sometimes, but you know I am there for you the same way if you need me. I regret sometimes if I bug you, but I promise its out of love. I want you to understand that I truly appreciate you and all that you do. You lift my spirit and pull me out of my house. You make me recognize what I lack to see in myself. Thank you for being there, thank you for your honesty, thank you for your trust, It means the world to me.

In closing there is a shift being made in me, a new stronger me is rising so watch out. I'm not running, I'm gonna stand and fight. I am worth it and if you don't think so there is the door. I'm putting this to rest in this post, I am moving forward with those I trust into the future I create.

Not All that Glitters is Gold

So I guess by the title you can figure out that maybe I haven't had the best couple of days. I did come to a realization about some things. I realize I don't know what I want right now and I have no business looking for something. Why should I go looking for a relationship when I don't even know that is what I need? I came to this realization in the worst way possible; I stood up someone on a date. Yes, I know how rude, but I got scared and freaked out. Then it hit me...maybe I am not ready for this, this whole relationship thing as much as I think I am. In my mind it was something I have been longing for and waiting for, but now that I started really looking around I feel like there is no one in my life right now worth my heart. What is the point of making due...besides the feeling lonely sometimes and all the benefits that come with a relationship...but besides that...lol. I just feel that someone has to be out there worth my heart, otherwise all the drama and pain I have had to deal with was for nothing. Its hard thinking that its gonna take time for this person to show up, but as much as I hate waiting I can't put myself through more heartache and drama for something that last for a minute. The glitter of a quick way out of loneliness is not worth the pain of being in one that fails miserably. I want more and I think I have finally realized I am worth more...with that being said if some guy comes by and he is cute....well there are loopholes, lol (I'm through with guys, they all tell lies, they break your heart and make you cry. Loving guys is such a sin.......ooh! check out that guy that just walked in! )
I just need to work on me some more before I attempt anything. Here’s Hoping!
P.S. This song got me in the mood to write this!!! So Click The Link!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlxB9zGH8GU&feature=BFa&list=FLCM828QP0aNE&index=16

Today in Science: Heart is a Confusing Thing

You ever fall for someone and it leaves you in a strange place...talk to me about it.

Problem: You have no idea how weird my situation is...not terrible but confusing. I get caught in between the good and bad with this person and every time I just want to let him go I find it almost impossible, something pulls me back to him. It's stupid and crazy, but I get caught up in the moments we have together. I am better then this and I give advice on this type of stuff...but for some reason I am just irrational. Those big brown eyes catch me and I buy what he is selling...which ain't much considering he seems to be avoiding dating me, and he caught up at the moment. I know I'm stupid...but considering my past I think it make sense...lol.

Solution: I guess the best way to handle this is to let him go, just walk away. IDK if I can do that, but it does sound good right?

Truth: I guess I'm too stubborn for my own good. I'm afraid of giving up and finding myself in a "what if situation"...I hate those situations. I want to live life without regrets if I can help it. Yet, I guess one of my close friends put it best "make sure you are your 1st priority!" That's a weird concept for me, I figure when I look back at my life so far I never really fought for myself as much as I should've...I wanted to make other people happy. I wanted to be mommy and fix other people's problems, conform to their needs and wants. It wasn't till college that I started figuring out what I wanted, who I wanted to be. I fought for people all my life, fought for recognition and even in moments like this I am still fighting. I am fighting for this boy to pay attention to what is right in front of him, me....why should I keep fighting? YouTube: Never Ever

New Observation: What am I really doing here? Waiting for a boy for 3 years to notice me, to date me...that's a laugh I guess cuz after 3 years I think anyone reasonable enough whould've seen it as a lost cause...not me, cuz as we discovered earlier I am not reasonable...lol. Regardless, I deserve better then this, I know I have a great heart and a great personality to back it up. I am not perfect, but I know that I got a lot to like about me, yet he don't see it. It's a shame really, but what can I do?...Nothing. I think the hardest thought for me is that if I let go there won't be anyone else (my deepest fear). It sucks being THAT girl, I want more then that, but I don't want to be alone...confusion :/