Poetry In Motion

"You might get lost in the rhythm, you might get lost in the rhyme, but if you keep the flow your passion will never die."-me

I know it sounds crazy and almost weird, but just in the past hour everything is coming together for me. I'm falling into place and finding some comfort with everything (not sure how long it will last, but...yea lol). I am feeling my life right now is poetry in motion.

Let me break it down: The way I see it, sometimes you can get into the rhythm, feeling yourself when reading or reciting poetry, but when you write it sometimes it is so hard to get started. For me when its something I haven't done in a while or never done at all it is even more pressure and fear.  Once you get past the starting gate though the words just come to life and they flow off the page.

Currently my life has been like that, I have all these fears with starting all these new things: choreographing, dancing, writing lessons, teaching. I mean there is just a lot going on and I have been feeling so overwhelmed. So overwhelmed in fact that I have been questioning what I am doing and if it is really for me. I want to do well not just for me, but so many other people in my life in one way or another, so I figure that's where the fear comes from. I fear that I am making the wrong decisions and in turn going to let people down. My life has been through more ups and downs then one can imagine. I keep all the crazy tailored back so know one can see it or realize how much of a mess I am. I am trying to be strong and deal with all this fear and frustration.

Yet, I found peace today...I danced my hardest and felt amazing. Yes, I need practice and get it down more before saturday, but you know what...that's life. Dance is my poetry. I may pick up on most the steps and fear the ones I can't remember or don't have down perfectly, but that's what practice is for. I am on a practice cycle with life right now. I am learning how to be a teacher and I won't be perfect, same thing with choreographing...I'm gonna learn and get better. The poem isn't over it is still being written, I'm feeling it out and trying to find the right words.
Here's Hoping I remember this and don't freak out!

Love Fell Out With Me...

"Falling in Love with Love is falling for make-believe!
Falling in Love with Love is playing the fool!
Caring too much is such a juvenile fancy!
Learning to trust is just for children in school.
I fell in Love with Love one night when the moon was full
I was unwise with eyes unable to see!
I fell in Love with Love with love ever-lasting.
But Love fell out, with me!!! "

Well I took the lyrics from the Cinderella movie, but I guess it kinda makes sense. Don't assume I am writing this out of anger or sadness because in reality I am pretty happy right now being free and single. I guess I just got this song stuck in my head and kinda related. I feel like I fall in love with people now and in the past who in turn let me down or at least make me feel stupid. It is hard to trust people after everything I have been through, but I keep trying. I just wish things got easier or people were more reliable. I end up feeling like a fool with all these people who turn their back on me when I never turn my back on them. I have so much respect for love and its power. I guess that's where the little girl in me comes out. I look at love as this amazing, beautiful, and wondrous thing. I fight for the people I love and I don't back down, but not everyone looks at love that way. Some people don't feel its worth the fight or they are not even open enough to love. I guess I can say I am one of the lucky ones because I have been in love, even though the love did not last. I know what it feels like, I know the challenges, and yet I'm still hoping to find love again. My problem is lately I have fallen for the wrong people as may of us do. I fall in love with who people CAN be and they break my heart with who they ARE. I see the good in people and the amazing strength, resilience, and heart that they have even if they don't show it or see it in themselves. It tears me in two sometimes because I fall and fight for this person I see when this person can be a jerk, stubborn, or hurtful to me. I guess what bothers me about it now is that I feel I deserve more. I deserve to be cared about in the same way I have cared so much about others. I should never be hurt on purpose or brought to tears. I am finally realizing that I can have it all because I deserve it. I might not be a super model or  an insanely amazing athlete, but I am beautiful and so is my heart. One day someone will see this and love will find its way back to me again....but until then I am going to have fun and be crazy, funny, adventurous me! Here's Hoping Love Finds It Way To You Too!

The Road Less Traveled

There is something about the road less traveled, or at least not traveled by me, that is scary and at the same time intriguing. Where does it go? What will happen while your on it? These are questions that go unanswered if you don't take a chance and travel down the road. We all get so caught up in our lives and our own routines, sometimes you have to take a chance and branch out. I've been trying to do that for a month now and have been having some success at it. I guess I question if I am following a different, maybe better path or if I am forcing myself down a path that truly is pushing it. I know I want to take risks and be someone different, but at the same time I'm not sure if I am pushing who I am. I want to uncover a stronger side to myself, be a better, wiser person. I guess I just want to branch out and try and be more like the people I am around, yet I still struggle slightly with who I have been forever. I've put myself in this box for so long that it is hard to do anything different. In some ways it is at least comforting to know that I am surrounding myself with people I trust, people that will watch out for me and hopefully protect me from falling too hard. I guess I'm just at a weird place in that I don't know if I should continue this large step out of my comfort zone or travel down my familiar path. So when you are thinking about the road less traveled consider it isn't as simple as it seems, there are no guarantees, and people are all quite different. I know personally the road less traveled is confusing and making me wonder if I made the right choice. Here's Hoping!!!

Driving Myself Crazy

So far so good, not only am I taking 3.5 credits and struggling to keep up with stuff I am observing in a 1st grade classroom. I know I am just stressing because it is a busy term for me, but still. I got to juggle things better. At least I have done better with keeping myself happy. I tried out for Terp and made it into 2 dances which is exciting. I began working out again and I basically go almost everyday if I can. So besides driving myself crazy I am running like crazy too....lol. I think I need the workout just to keep my sanity though lol. It calms me and makes me feel good about myself so I guess I can't complain. There is something about working out that gives me the meditation I need. I love seeing myself in the mirror and I am actually proud of myself and how I look now. As far as I know I'm doing pretty well in all my classes and some how maintaining a grip on reality. I guess that would more have to do with the "dark" weekends that allow me to blow off steam with my favorite people. I'm making it through this term one weekend at a time! lol

In other news: I have really stuck to me resolution this year, beyond the workout thing. I have let go...I'm not chasing anyone or wanting anything besides respect and trust from those closest to me. I am strong and powerful beyond measure. One day someone will see that, but today...tomorrow...the rest of my college existence I'm not expecting much. I'm just going to enjoy myself, laugh as much as possible, and be around all those amazing people who make my life fun. I'm taking on new adventures and loving it...mind you I am still nervous and shy, but you might be surprised what this girl will get herself into. Here's Hoping I keep it up!!!

New Year Begins 2012

So what is your New Years Resolution?
I use to not make them, but hey I think its good to make goals now...even if they don't always turn out as planned.
My Resolutions: My main one is to exercise more. I realize this year that it is something that I enjoy and keeps me zen. I also am going to to just "do". This might not make a whole lot of sense, but to me it does. I want to just do more, say yes more, be adventurous. I did that more this summer and I want to keep it up if I can. You never know...might make some road trips this summer. I guess the last thing goes without saying if you know me, but as good as I have been over break I want to be even better. I need to get myself figured out, find some peace, and find some solid friends. I don't know if I can break some ties, but depending how things go I might have no other choice.
My hope for this new year is a lot less headaches and a lot more fun for everyone. Life can get you down believe me and it can drive you crazy, but you have to know that things can always get better and life takes time. I'm slowly learning this. For all my friends know that no matter what happens and no matter where you are I'm here for you. If you want to have fun hit me up, but if you ever need to talk about anything I am here too. Enjoy tonight and Here's Hoping we have an Amazing New Year!!!

Picking up and Heading Back

So I realize break once again kinda flew by and I'm not ready to leave. I have a lot of unfinished business to deal with at school that I am not looking forward to, nor do I really want to. Yet I can't stop the clock and so the packing begins. Nothing makes me feel more like a girl then packing. I always try to cut down on what I bring, but its always a lot. I know I am definitely bringing more back to school then I brought home. I can't really help it. I mean I got some things that are important like winter boots, an electric blanket....I mean I can't leave home without my new waffle maker! LOL Ok yea the waffle maker isn't needed but its sooooooooo kewl! My backpack is even heavy with my new books for the term. I look around at the things I pack and its hard to cut corners...I mean the whisky has to come with! :P
Regardless I have to finish packing and then pack the car for my 3 hour road trip to the great college in the middle of no where. Can't really complain I mean I get to blast my ipod and jam out driving for three hours, that's my meditation. As much as I love hanging out with people I guess I find real solace in being alone sometimes. Just me and the road, I can't screw anything up and I am too busy singing to think deeply lol. Its kinda funny thinking about it now cuz it is kinda like my life. I go from one group of people to another with a bunch of lonely moments in between. Those moments seem to last forever sometimes and I try to avoid them, but I feel like that's just where I am meant to be. I have to stop basically "begging" people to hang out because I want to have fun and let it go. If people really want to be there, really want to hang out then they will just have to find me. No telling if I can actually stick to this, but hey it sounds good...lol. So here's to packing and my last two days!

Mirror, Mirror...

I look in the mirror and I realize I don't know who I'm and it frightens me. I have tried to be perfect all my life and that is no way to live. I know my flaws by far and in high school and especially coming to college I realized that I am far from perfect. I am instead a girl trying to do the best she can under a massive mix of circumstances. I guess it worries me because I have come to a point where I question who I am and where I am going amongst so many people who are so sure of themselves. What made me go down this path I am on? All I can think of is my fear of disappointment, doing what is expected, and my goal of helping people. All the "what ifs" pop in my head and I wonder if I made a mistake some where. I am not sure if its just the fear that comes along with making a solid commitment or just the nerves of my education coming to a close in a year. The sad part is that I know that there is not one person out there who can give me the right answer. Not even my mirror...lol

Then there comes the more important dilemma...who am I?
I guess no person can really answer this question fully or completely get at 21...but I guess I'm desperate for some answers. Here's what I got...let me know if you disagree or have something to add!
I am a daughter, sister, granddaughter, and friend. I am a woman, though I call myself a girl...its habit lol. I'm a hard worker, dancer, artist, and lover. I am a girl that has so much trouble looking in the mirror and liking what I see. I have a long history that I try to not let affect me, but I realize it affects my life everyday. I'm a survivor and a fighter that has moments of pure exhaustion. Please understand I say all this to admit my imperfection to those of you who read and also to myself. I am far from the perfect daughter I appear to portray, but I do the best I can. I don't like what I see in the mirror so its time for me to change it. If can overcome my faults, my history to become better then I will, I have no choice if I want to move forward. Here's Hoping after a lot of work things will get better!

Hi my name is Megan and I'm an addict.

Ok calm down people I was just talking about my shoes!!!!!
Look I like shopping like most girls and for some reason shoes are my downfall. I know I have way too many, but I paid for most out of my own money, most were on sale, and I wear them all I swear. I just find it funny that there are so many of us shoe addicts out there. Also, may I say I went to high school with some of you boys and y'all got the same problem getting all types of ones. My point is that its definitely not just girls buying up all the shoes...lol.
People have funny little "obsessions" so to speak that can be as obvious as shoes or shopping to crazy stuff. I like to figure out how people tick and I realize I analyze people a lot...but what can I say its fun lol. What I see a lot is that people have little things like working out ALL the time, being super excited about a video game, being a sports fan, or even just being in love with a band/ artist. Everyone has something that they really love or like that gets them happy.

So I ask you to think about what makes you tick and what you really enjoy, feel free to share it with me. But I also ask you to think about this: do you have a bad obsession? Is there something in your life that doesn't make you happy, but you can't go with out or avoid getting rid of...consider letting it go, I know I am :)
Here's Hoping!

Pride

We all have pride...some of us show it more then others, I'm talking to you Capricorns lol. Heck everyone falls victim to it at some point. I have encountered pride on two main levels one being "ego". Not surprisingly, as much as I love you, the boys I find in and around my life either portray large egos or actually have them. Its funny sometimes and I tend to poke fun at them almost instigating them to maintain their ego, my real reason behind it though is to keep them grounded. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy ego, having good self esteem is what everyone should have or at least strive for. Yet, people need to understand limits, know that they are not invincible, and be grounded enough to recognize what/ who is around them. Pride can be a person's down fall in a number of ways, but I think the main one is missing out on something. This leads to the other level of pride, pride in terms of putting yourself on a pedestal of some sort there by making you impossible to reach. No matter how amazing a person is if they have too strong of pride there is no way "reason" can get to them, not to mention they miss out. Pride can tear you from a grounded sense of reality and keep you from a so much more.

I didn't mean for the first part to sound like a service announcement against pride. The whole reason I bring it up to begin with because in a weird way I think I am attracted to it. I tend to find myself, at least looking at my past, falling for guys who have intense pride in themselves and what they do. I find it weird because I am not by any means extremely prideful. So I wonder, knowing a little bit about myself, if the fact that I am self conscious ties into this little phenomenon. Its silly I know, but there is something about a guy and their ego that draws me in. Maybe its the fun of it all with my jokes and pokes at who they think they are, but it could also be that I see it as a challenge. I see something in this strong, ridiculous jerk, possibly that he isn't so bad if he climbs down from the pedestal.

No one is perfect and I am far from it. I'm also not saying that pride is an evil thing nor that it is some crazy thing guys do that make girls go crazy. I guess I am writing this not only to get my thoughts out about pride and why it interests me, but also because I kind of want to ground some people. If you have prideful moments or are one of those strong ego people I just want to say: There are amazing people in your life who you will never notice if you don't come down to earth once in a while.

Fighting a Loosing Fight

Ok so I realize I'm crazy and weird...always my attempt is in a fun, laughter creating way. Yet, the past couple days all I can think about is what people have said to me. People that I am friends with saying things like: "you got to be good to yourself", "you get worked up to much", "you still have somethings to workout about yourself". I get that I'm a mess in some ways, but I don't want to let that get in the way of any friendships or relationships in my life. Regardless of whether you see me as strong or not I know I am after all I have been through and deal with. I say this with pride because I actually believe it now. I am strong woman always fighting some battle coming close, but never close enough. It gets so frustrating striving to be all I can be, fighting for someone or something (an idea, person, moment, my place) yet I'm never any closer. I wear my heart on my sleeve and regardless of my issues with trust I keep hoping things change, or that they are different this time. It hasn't got much better...I wonder if I am fighting for the wrong people? How do I know who to fight for?

I wish I could answer those questions, but I can't. I keep having faith in people who hurt me because I know how beautiful their soul truly is and I don't want to let go of that person. I've put so much of myself out there to walk away seems like failure. Not to mention everyone thinks I'm completely messed up and they don't want to deal with that. I was up late last night questioning if I will ever get what I have been fighting for or if it will always be out of reach. Being hurt, messed up me is hurting my chances of ever being "good enough" and I don't know how to fix it. I want peace and happiness, but everyone who looks at me seems to see a broken doll weak and fragile or a mess they don't want to help clean up. I'm at odds as always trying to hold my head high and be what I can for myself and others. Yet, it never seems good enough. I don't know what enough is, but I can promise you I have given it all. Here's Hoping Someone Realizes This!!!

The Squirrels

FYI This is a fun post!!!

I LOVE squirrels...lol. Ok don't take it the wrong way I am not like crazy about them, but I guess that's my animal bond so to speak. As my dad would say, "If Meg was an animal she would be a squirrel cuz she is a little nuts, not to mention do you see how crazy she is about peanut butter?" Ok yes I think they are awesome...you can't really deny it from that photo either. Regardless, I grew up around them, they were the first animal me and my dad would sit and watch outside. They are so funny and seeing them at school everyday cracks me up because they are not really scared of people. I literally had an awkward moment on the sidewalk with one where we were trying to pass each other. Squirrels are full of personality and I can't help but adore them. So a take a moment to watch the squirrels and laugh, trust me its worth it. :)
P.S. There is a squirrel mafia so watch out!!!

Moving Forward

I admit I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I just know that I have a good heart and personality. With that being said I have had to deal with a lot this past term. In return I have had the good sense to think some things out and relax this winter break. So far I have come to some conclusions. One being that there are definitely a number of people in my life who don't really need to be there. I say this because after examining some things I feel like those people pretend to be close, but if they were really they would value the friendship a little more then they do. I also guess I have a terrible sense of bad luck because I can't seem to find true happiness for very long...I always find a way to screw it up. Lastly, I think the most amazing thing that I have found out about myself is that I am stronger then I appear. Yes, this past term I fell deep on weakness, but it took quite some time for me to break my strength. If I was truly weak I would've fallen a long time ago, but I remained strong. I admit I have done a lot of things I am not proud of, but at the time they seemed like the best ideas. Many of my decisions have been made out of love or pain, not the best idea acting on emotion yet it seemed to give my decisions more creditability. I've long been known as a romantic or sorts, I follow my heart more then my head. It has gotten me into trouble a time or two, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My heart's desire, my hearts choice is what allows my conscious to be clear at night and for me to have little regret.

Now its time for me to make some hard choices in how I am going to deal with things. For one I have to find peace in some way. This can be found a number a ways and for me the main two are going to be talking to people and being my artsy self. Call it Art Therapy, but I am back to writing and drawing again. In the moments I am working on a piece I am focused, thinking only of my work and away from the crazy pain I struggle with sometimes. It calms me and in the end I have something I am proud of. I need to separate myself from the people I can't trust and surround myself with those I can. Life isn't easy, but I find time is best spent around those who matter.

*Note for those who matter: I often look to you for help and talk you ear off sometimes, but you know I am there for you the same way if you need me. I regret sometimes if I bug you, but I promise its out of love. I want you to understand that I truly appreciate you and all that you do. You lift my spirit and pull me out of my house. You make me recognize what I lack to see in myself. Thank you for being there, thank you for your honesty, thank you for your trust, It means the world to me.

In closing there is a shift being made in me, a new stronger me is rising so watch out. I'm not running, I'm gonna stand and fight. I am worth it and if you don't think so there is the door. I'm putting this to rest in this post, I am moving forward with those I trust into the future I create.

Fear of Movies

Ok so I realized after to talking to some friends and writing this stupid Anso paper that I have fears of ridiculous things. The main one that I guess might make no sense to most people is my fear of going to the movies. Its not so much a fear as I just don't like it at all. I have nothing but bad experiences when I go to a movie theater and I figure I could better use my time. I'm also cheap and don't want to pay so much to see it, if I wait it will come out on cable, or DVD if I really want to see it over and over again. I guess this whole problem stems from jus having bad experiences and being lazy as all hell...lol.

The bad experiences:
1) Being at the movies with my sister is too much. She be extra loud and laughing, I can't even hear whats going on.
2) Always had to see what she wanted to see. Yes, that meant that I had to see Thomas the Train instead of Laura Croft (...And before you all get started, yes I liked Thomas the Train...when I was 5, but at 12 that was a shitty movie).
3) Went to the movies for my bff's bday expecting, as I was told, other people were coming. No one showed up besides her then bf...lets just say its awkward as all hell and made me pissed that she wanted to sit right next to me.
4) Had my bday and went the movies, told all my friends, no one could make it :(
.....Bad things just happen there, so I'm not a fan...not to mention I have like a problem with sitting still that long. I don't care how crazy that makes me, there are other ways of having fun...if you don't believe that we need to talk.

What Dance Means to Me

There is nothing like being on stage. Having the light shining down on you and knowing people have come to see you preform. All the energy that is on that stage in those few moments you can't explain. Its a beautiful feeling that I love. When I dance I just feel the music and move. Its expression and passion rolled into one. I have danced with injuries and anger, but it only makes the feeling that much more powerful. Apart of me wishes I took dance more seriously when I was younger and got more training, but regardless I still love to dance. In a moment you can express something without any words and feel the most beautiful connection with your body. When I freestyle it is almost like my mind turns off and I just go. I respect anyone who is a dancer and those who do it professionally. It is immensely hard at times and takes training to perfect any style. Dance is a sport and I will kick some one's ass if they disagree. We train just as hard and deserve to be seen a professional athletes as well as performers. I know I am still training myself every time I dance under a different instructor/ choreographer. My hope is before I graduate I can actually choreograph a piece to perform here at college. It will be one of the hardest and most challenging things that I have ever done. I am hoping it comes out amazing though, because dance is something that I have loved since I was able to walk. It is apart of me and no matter what happens in life I will continue to dance. Here's Hoping!

Figuring Things Out...Checking In

I am at odds...

Recap, I have been back on campus a minute and been having sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much fun till sadly classes started...but hey that is why I am here. Regardless I realized this week that my life from now on will be dull and boring. :(
Ok that's a lie, when is my life truly boring...I will never let this come to pass!!! Classes have me freaked out a bit just because of the amount of work required, but like I said this is what I am here for and I will get it done!...hopefully ;)
I am observing/ working at a school in town for 3 hours straight. This teacher is gonna use me to her full advantage, which I have no problem with considering this is what I want to do for a living. I am back interning at the lovely preschool with a whole new class that I already adore! They are so sweet and oddly quiet in comparison to the class last year.
My Bday is this week! Turning 21 and I just can't wait!!! So I apologize in advance for all the crazy things that might happen, cuz I know me and I know they will...bahahahaha
In other news: I guess I am trying to work on me, as always. Been working out more and I am feeling good about myself. I am by far more social this year and tryin to meet new people and get involved in other things. My friends are growing in numbers and this makes me sooooooooooo happy, not like I didn't have friends before but the more diverse my friends are the better I feel and the more I get pushed into attending things/joining things. Sometimes I need a little push to get out...lol
I am using this house to my advantage and have cooked quite a bit already and I bought more pasta today so I know there will be cooking in my future...maybe in real close future cuz I am getting hungry.

So as you may have noticed this entry is titled "Figuring Things Out...Checking In"....well I did the checking in part now to explain the 1st part. I am trying to figure out a lot this term/ year. I don't know how long it is gonna take, but I guess I will find out. I have to figure some stuff out with certain people here and at home. I am personally at odds with a friend at home and well...we will see how this goes. As for people here, I know one friend for sure I need to talk to, but considering where I am I have no idea if I can do it. I just get so mad and sad and I try really hard not to let my emotions hit me like that, but it just happens. Its really hard to be the good friend and to feel hurt at the same time...beyond that idk. I will figure all the things out, I always do. Here's Hoping!

Catching up and Getting Caught Up...

Catching up:
So its been sometime since I got on here last. I went on vacation to the most amazing place...wait for it....Wisconsin Dells...ok pretty ordinary but to a girl like me who doesn't get to travel, well ever, it was awesome. I really had a nice time and I love swimming so there was no down side...besides getting a boat load of bruises and getting a cut on my foot. I am really not complaining though cuz I would do it again in a heart beat. I loved just bonding with my sister for the first time in ever and swimming all day. We did play a round of miniature golf though which was really trippy being that it was black light and you wore 3D glasses. With that said, I can assume miniature golf and drugs not the best combination. I drove out of Wisconsin though toner, with a wine glass,and a shot glass. Cheers! LOL
My family and I spent the last days of vacation at home shopping. We basically picked up some left over school supplies/ clothes. I have to say though I found the cutest dress and am so glad I got it...best purchase to date :)
 I have basically compiled a list of things I have to do in the next week before I head back to school...there are so many things. I have taken care of some, but I have to pack, wash dishes, do laundry, and get my hair cut. It seems like "all the things"...lol...but it will all get done. I just have to take each day as it comes and not stress out, its not worth it. Most people are either back to school or about to head back so I am kinda alone for the next week, which makes me even more pumped to head back. Its kinda sad to see the summer end, I may not have been as adventurous as I wanted, but I think I truly grew and did things differently. All in all summer was good and one of the strongest I've had. There are some things I will miss...

Caught Up:
So....Disregard the last post about guys. I think I am caught up in a guy who I care very much about. I know just what I need right, lol. Its hard cuz there is no sense of security with this. I can't control it though. I'm falling for him and I think he knows it, but the timing isn't great. I guess I will have to have patience or move on...which seems unthinkable cuz I'm so caught up :-/
Here's Hoping!

Not All that Glitters is Gold

So I guess by the title you can figure out that maybe I haven't had the best couple of days. I did come to a realization about some things. I realize I don't know what I want right now and I have no business looking for something. Why should I go looking for a relationship when I don't even know that is what I need? I came to this realization in the worst way possible; I stood up someone on a date. Yes, I know how rude, but I got scared and freaked out. Then it hit me...maybe I am not ready for this, this whole relationship thing as much as I think I am. In my mind it was something I have been longing for and waiting for, but now that I started really looking around I feel like there is no one in my life right now worth my heart. What is the point of making due...besides the feeling lonely sometimes and all the benefits that come with a relationship...but besides that...lol. I just feel that someone has to be out there worth my heart, otherwise all the drama and pain I have had to deal with was for nothing. Its hard thinking that its gonna take time for this person to show up, but as much as I hate waiting I can't put myself through more heartache and drama for something that last for a minute. The glitter of a quick way out of loneliness is not worth the pain of being in one that fails miserably. I want more and I think I have finally realized I am worth more...with that being said if some guy comes by and he is cute....well there are loopholes, lol (I'm through with guys, they all tell lies, they break your heart and make you cry. Loving guys is such a sin.......ooh! check out that guy that just walked in! )
I just need to work on me some more before I attempt anything. Here’s Hoping!
P.S. This song got me in the mood to write this!!! So Click The Link!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlxB9zGH8GU&feature=BFa&list=FLCM828QP0aNE&index=16

Need You Now

Ok so I am listening to this song by Lady Antebellum. I am sure you have probably heard it even if you didn't realize it. Here's a link just in case though: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

Any who I guess my point is that I completely relate to this song.
"Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause
I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now"

I guess the phone calls are the guys in my life I think I need or I cling to and call drunk or sober. I make the mistake when I am alone to cling to these boys instead of trying to busy my mind in other ways. When I'm bored I spend too much time thinking or if I'm alone I do the same thing. I hate the loneliness and the quiet day after day, so I end up calling boys who don't much care either way what happens to me. A part of me wishes these guys felt the same way I feel about them and really did care enough to be there for me as a friend at least, but I guess I ask too much. Nonetheless, I call the guys I try to avoid talking to all day and it normally goes down hill from there. Regardless of the time I loose control and try to have polite conversation with people who don't need me as much as I feel like I need them. I know I am better then that and at school I am fine, but being home with none of my college friends near its hard. I end up talking to old friends and people who are no good for me, but what is a social girl to do? I guess I would rather deal with the crap they throw at me then be alone, locked up in my room like a modern day Rapunzel. IDK

Looking Back

Ok, so I so happened to look through a yearbook today and let me tell you 2 things: 1) I don't miss high school. & 2)Time gives you a different perspective....if you doubt any of this I dare you to look back at your own yearbook, you might be surprised. I know that when I looked at it I realized how at the time you are so focused on everything surrounding high school: relationships, class, reputation, activities, friends, cliques, how you dress...all these things make up your world in these 4 years and you feel like you are being judged on all these things. You are in this high school bubble that you really don't grow out of till you graduate. Some people don't really grow out of that in college either, depending how they choose to act. I know that I was wrapped up in the high school bubble and didn't see the outside possibilities. I was given limited freedom in high school and college was just a whole different experience. I remember high school being a place of either great highs or epic lows, no middle ground really. I had friends and boyfriends, but I look back and wished I did somethings different. Not getting hung up on a boy who didn't deserve my attention for one and making more close friends would have been a start. I can't go back now though, I can only go forward. I started off college trying to fit, but I realized quickly I just have to be me. But who am I? In high school all I ever tried to be was the good friend, I never really looked at myself. College aloud me, almost forced me, to figure out who I am...mind you I am still working on it, but I have a direction. One thing I know now is there are gonna be people who dislike me and I am going to dislike certain people because of my personal thoughts, feelings, and values. Its gonna happen, but at least I am standing up for myself and for something instead of falling for everything (yes I stole that quote,but it fit perfectly). I am finding myself and trying to better myself as a whole person now. Finding true friends and people I connect to more so then I did before. High School is like another world to me now. I know some people look back and think of high school as this amazing time, but to me it was just a step. The amazing times are still to come, high school isn't my peak. I am looking up and out, I am optimistic!

Super Behind

Its been a while...time to catch up. Ok, so I finished my book and I have yet to commit to another one, so if you know an amazing read let me know. Also, work has been...interesting...I have learned a lot about myself and children just based on this group of ten 6&7 year olds. These kids are great most of the time, but other times I wonder...lets just say some are hard of hearing. Nonetheless I am getting paid and doing something that I wanted to do, work with kids. Overall, my day consists of me entertaining them and getting them from one place to another, I am a babysitter for 3 hours twice a week. I am not complaining, but I feel like a babysitters job is harder then that of a teacher, in the sense that the children expect to have fun with you and basically make them happy while still doing what you have to do. As a teacher kids understand that school is a different environment where they come to learn and they know there are rules and consequences. The worst punishment they can get at camp is a time out...which doesn't do much, especially for the emotional kids. Idk, some days this job is great and other days I wonder what I got myself into, wonder if this will work and if I am even doing a good job. Time will tell...

In other news I went to the taste for the first time last weekend. Spent the Saturday driving up to my friends house and leaving there with myself and three friends of mine to take the CTA (another 1st for me). We walked the taste and shared amazing food, of course we went on the hottest day known to man, but hey...it happens. I would say I spent a good a good 4 hours there and then it just got too hot for me so me and a friend took the Metra home (this was not a 1st, but I now understand how the Metra works and what train I get on). No, I am not Chicagoan by far but maybe I am getting there...I know for sure that this is one mark in my book of experience and adventure so cheers to that.
Currently I am planning a zoo trip with some friends and possibly going to see some over the weekends. I have been so tired and my sleep cycle has been so weird that I just haven't worked out like I was, but I getting back to that. Trying to plan things for myself for the coming year, but if I learned one thing, nothing is for certain. Here's hoping best is to come!