Pride

We all have pride...some of us show it more then others, I'm talking to you Capricorns lol. Heck everyone falls victim to it at some point. I have encountered pride on two main levels one being "ego". Not surprisingly, as much as I love you, the boys I find in and around my life either portray large egos or actually have them. Its funny sometimes and I tend to poke fun at them almost instigating them to maintain their ego, my real reason behind it though is to keep them grounded. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy ego, having good self esteem is what everyone should have or at least strive for. Yet, people need to understand limits, know that they are not invincible, and be grounded enough to recognize what/ who is around them. Pride can be a person's down fall in a number of ways, but I think the main one is missing out on something. This leads to the other level of pride, pride in terms of putting yourself on a pedestal of some sort there by making you impossible to reach. No matter how amazing a person is if they have too strong of pride there is no way "reason" can get to them, not to mention they miss out. Pride can tear you from a grounded sense of reality and keep you from a so much more.

I didn't mean for the first part to sound like a service announcement against pride. The whole reason I bring it up to begin with because in a weird way I think I am attracted to it. I tend to find myself, at least looking at my past, falling for guys who have intense pride in themselves and what they do. I find it weird because I am not by any means extremely prideful. So I wonder, knowing a little bit about myself, if the fact that I am self conscious ties into this little phenomenon. Its silly I know, but there is something about a guy and their ego that draws me in. Maybe its the fun of it all with my jokes and pokes at who they think they are, but it could also be that I see it as a challenge. I see something in this strong, ridiculous jerk, possibly that he isn't so bad if he climbs down from the pedestal.

No one is perfect and I am far from it. I'm also not saying that pride is an evil thing nor that it is some crazy thing guys do that make girls go crazy. I guess I am writing this not only to get my thoughts out about pride and why it interests me, but also because I kind of want to ground some people. If you have prideful moments or are one of those strong ego people I just want to say: There are amazing people in your life who you will never notice if you don't come down to earth once in a while.

Fighting a Loosing Fight

Ok so I realize I'm crazy and weird...always my attempt is in a fun, laughter creating way. Yet, the past couple days all I can think about is what people have said to me. People that I am friends with saying things like: "you got to be good to yourself", "you get worked up to much", "you still have somethings to workout about yourself". I get that I'm a mess in some ways, but I don't want to let that get in the way of any friendships or relationships in my life. Regardless of whether you see me as strong or not I know I am after all I have been through and deal with. I say this with pride because I actually believe it now. I am strong woman always fighting some battle coming close, but never close enough. It gets so frustrating striving to be all I can be, fighting for someone or something (an idea, person, moment, my place) yet I'm never any closer. I wear my heart on my sleeve and regardless of my issues with trust I keep hoping things change, or that they are different this time. It hasn't got much better...I wonder if I am fighting for the wrong people? How do I know who to fight for?

I wish I could answer those questions, but I can't. I keep having faith in people who hurt me because I know how beautiful their soul truly is and I don't want to let go of that person. I've put so much of myself out there to walk away seems like failure. Not to mention everyone thinks I'm completely messed up and they don't want to deal with that. I was up late last night questioning if I will ever get what I have been fighting for or if it will always be out of reach. Being hurt, messed up me is hurting my chances of ever being "good enough" and I don't know how to fix it. I want peace and happiness, but everyone who looks at me seems to see a broken doll weak and fragile or a mess they don't want to help clean up. I'm at odds as always trying to hold my head high and be what I can for myself and others. Yet, it never seems good enough. I don't know what enough is, but I can promise you I have given it all. Here's Hoping Someone Realizes This!!!

The Squirrels

FYI This is a fun post!!!

I LOVE squirrels...lol. Ok don't take it the wrong way I am not like crazy about them, but I guess that's my animal bond so to speak. As my dad would say, "If Meg was an animal she would be a squirrel cuz she is a little nuts, not to mention do you see how crazy she is about peanut butter?" Ok yes I think they are awesome...you can't really deny it from that photo either. Regardless, I grew up around them, they were the first animal me and my dad would sit and watch outside. They are so funny and seeing them at school everyday cracks me up because they are not really scared of people. I literally had an awkward moment on the sidewalk with one where we were trying to pass each other. Squirrels are full of personality and I can't help but adore them. So a take a moment to watch the squirrels and laugh, trust me its worth it. :)
P.S. There is a squirrel mafia so watch out!!!

Moving Forward

I admit I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I just know that I have a good heart and personality. With that being said I have had to deal with a lot this past term. In return I have had the good sense to think some things out and relax this winter break. So far I have come to some conclusions. One being that there are definitely a number of people in my life who don't really need to be there. I say this because after examining some things I feel like those people pretend to be close, but if they were really they would value the friendship a little more then they do. I also guess I have a terrible sense of bad luck because I can't seem to find true happiness for very long...I always find a way to screw it up. Lastly, I think the most amazing thing that I have found out about myself is that I am stronger then I appear. Yes, this past term I fell deep on weakness, but it took quite some time for me to break my strength. If I was truly weak I would've fallen a long time ago, but I remained strong. I admit I have done a lot of things I am not proud of, but at the time they seemed like the best ideas. Many of my decisions have been made out of love or pain, not the best idea acting on emotion yet it seemed to give my decisions more creditability. I've long been known as a romantic or sorts, I follow my heart more then my head. It has gotten me into trouble a time or two, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My heart's desire, my hearts choice is what allows my conscious to be clear at night and for me to have little regret.

Now its time for me to make some hard choices in how I am going to deal with things. For one I have to find peace in some way. This can be found a number a ways and for me the main two are going to be talking to people and being my artsy self. Call it Art Therapy, but I am back to writing and drawing again. In the moments I am working on a piece I am focused, thinking only of my work and away from the crazy pain I struggle with sometimes. It calms me and in the end I have something I am proud of. I need to separate myself from the people I can't trust and surround myself with those I can. Life isn't easy, but I find time is best spent around those who matter.

*Note for those who matter: I often look to you for help and talk you ear off sometimes, but you know I am there for you the same way if you need me. I regret sometimes if I bug you, but I promise its out of love. I want you to understand that I truly appreciate you and all that you do. You lift my spirit and pull me out of my house. You make me recognize what I lack to see in myself. Thank you for being there, thank you for your honesty, thank you for your trust, It means the world to me.

In closing there is a shift being made in me, a new stronger me is rising so watch out. I'm not running, I'm gonna stand and fight. I am worth it and if you don't think so there is the door. I'm putting this to rest in this post, I am moving forward with those I trust into the future I create.