Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Poetry In Motion

"You might get lost in the rhythm, you might get lost in the rhyme, but if you keep the flow your passion will never die."-me

I know it sounds crazy and almost weird, but just in the past hour everything is coming together for me. I'm falling into place and finding some comfort with everything (not sure how long it will last, but...yea lol). I am feeling my life right now is poetry in motion.

Let me break it down: The way I see it, sometimes you can get into the rhythm, feeling yourself when reading or reciting poetry, but when you write it sometimes it is so hard to get started. For me when its something I haven't done in a while or never done at all it is even more pressure and fear.  Once you get past the starting gate though the words just come to life and they flow off the page.

Currently my life has been like that, I have all these fears with starting all these new things: choreographing, dancing, writing lessons, teaching. I mean there is just a lot going on and I have been feeling so overwhelmed. So overwhelmed in fact that I have been questioning what I am doing and if it is really for me. I want to do well not just for me, but so many other people in my life in one way or another, so I figure that's where the fear comes from. I fear that I am making the wrong decisions and in turn going to let people down. My life has been through more ups and downs then one can imagine. I keep all the crazy tailored back so know one can see it or realize how much of a mess I am. I am trying to be strong and deal with all this fear and frustration.

Yet, I found peace today...I danced my hardest and felt amazing. Yes, I need practice and get it down more before saturday, but you know what...that's life. Dance is my poetry. I may pick up on most the steps and fear the ones I can't remember or don't have down perfectly, but that's what practice is for. I am on a practice cycle with life right now. I am learning how to be a teacher and I won't be perfect, same thing with choreographing...I'm gonna learn and get better. The poem isn't over it is still being written, I'm feeling it out and trying to find the right words.
Here's Hoping I remember this and don't freak out!

Monday, March 19, 2012

End of Rapunzel's Spring Break

So this is my last day of Spring Break. Tomorrow I drive back to school and waste time till Wednesday when class starts and life begins. Its funny how when you first go to college how everything is a challenge, heck even making it to that point is stressful. You feel like you are just not even smart enough to be there and you keep making baby steps term by term. Every class feels harder then the one before it and  then you get to this point in your junior year...I realize now how far I have come and how much further I still need to go. Becoming an adult is right there, not only can I see it I know it scares the crap out of me. All I want to do is run, but I know that I won't...I know what is expected of me in the next year or so and I have a lot of things to do and people to take care of. I can't back down now.

Yet, what I wanted this break that I still haven't found is freedom. I crave the freedom to do what I want, to have fun, to have adventure. The closest I get to this feeling is when I am at school. I have the freedom to make choices and define my life. I get to go out and hang out with friends with out feeling pressured to be home and take care of people. Its funny how when you are away from home you miss your family, but when you come home you remember why you don't want to stay. At home there is nothing to do, no one to really see, but all the responsibility and headaches that come with my family. Don't get me wrong I LOVE them to pieces, but sometimes you need some stress relief, some fun. Sadly, there is nothing to do and no where to go, call me Rapunzel locked in a tower. Imprisoned by a protective family and responsibility to all. Here's Hoping It Gets Better!!!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Love Fell Out With Me...

"Falling in Love with Love is falling for make-believe!
Falling in Love with Love is playing the fool!
Caring too much is such a juvenile fancy!
Learning to trust is just for children in school.
I fell in Love with Love one night when the moon was full
I was unwise with eyes unable to see!
I fell in Love with Love with love ever-lasting.
But Love fell out, with me!!! "
Well I took the lyrics from the Cinderella movie, but I guess it kinda makes sense. Don't assume I am writing this out of anger or sadness because in reality I am pretty happy right now being free and single. I guess I just got this song stuck in my head and kinda related. I feel like I fall in love with people now and in the past who in turn let me down or at least make me feel stupid. It is hard to trust people after everything I have been through, but I keep trying. I just wish things got easier or people were more reliable. I end up feeling like a fool with all these people who turn their back on me when I never turn my back on them. I have so much respect for love and its power. I guess that's where the little girl in me comes out. I look at love as this amazing, beautiful, and wondrous thing. I fight for the people I love and I don't back down, but not everyone looks at love that way. Some people don't feel its worth the fight or they are not even open enough to love. I guess I can say I am one of the lucky ones because I have been in love, even though the love did not last. I know what it feels like, I know the challenges, and yet I'm still hoping to find love again. My problem is lately I have fallen for the wrong people as may of us do. I fall in love with who people CAN be and they break my heart with who they ARE. I see the good in people and the amazing strength, resilience, and heart that they have even if they don't show it or see it in themselves. It tears me in two sometimes because I fall and fight for this person I see when this person can be a jerk, stubborn, or hurtful to me. I guess what bothers me about it now is that I feel I deserve more. I deserve to be cared about in the same way I have cared so much about others. I should never be hurt on purpose or brought to tears. I am finally realizing that I can have it all because I deserve it. I might not be a super model or  an insanely amazing athlete, but I am beautiful and so is my heart. One day someone will see this and love will find its way back to me again....but until then I am going to have fun and be crazy, funny, adventurous me! Here's Hoping Love Finds It Way To You Too!