Divine Chaos

Its over...after four years and what feels like the longest rollercoaster in history has ended! College is done and its time for a new chapter. This College Girl has made it through the longest, best, and most confusing four years of my life. I am a proud graduate and with that I say goodbye to this blog. I am moving forward in life and this was only for my college chapter. I realize looking back you all have been a part of my heart aches and struggles but also my moments of joy and clarity. I know I don't have it all figured out and the journey ahead is going to be long, but I think I am ready to take on what life has in store. Who knows what is next, but one thing's for certain you all can be on my journey for that too. I am starting a new blog: Divine Chaos will soon be up in running. This blog will be to share my whole new journey and the wisdoms I find along my way. Wish Me Luck!!!

Returning Home!

Welcome Back! lol
I feel like I have been away for quite a while and I am returning stronger then ever. There is a weird feeling in the air knowing that I only have 3 months or so left until this chapter of my life ends and another, bigger chapter begins. I can't lie, I'm scared....but this is not the time for that talk. I have 3 months that are going to be the most amazing and fun times yet. This term is one in which I am taking a class or two...but seriously I will be in school. More importantly I am dancing my heart out and ending the year with my passion. I have 3 dances that made it into the CW show and (fingers crossed) I will be choreographing and dancing in Terp. Yep...why am I making commitments? lol I expect to see my roommates napping while I'm running from one practice to the next...but I guess its worth it and I don't like sitting still long anyways. This term should be amazing so long as the weather gets better. Not to mention Flunk Day is around the corner so you never know what might happen. I guess I'm finally ready to make good and be happy, enjoy the time I got. So if I'm not smiling this term its probably cuz I'm tired because mark my words this girl isn't going to frown. There is too much good in front of me that I can't ignore nor would I want to. Here's Hoping this term is as amazing as I wish it to be!

Destined

Some people are destined for greatness while others are destined to do great things. I feel like I am destined to be a fighter. I never had it easy and I don't think I ever will. I watch people have an easy time or get what they want while I struggle to get by. The struggle makes us stronger they say, well I should be winning strong men competitions by now in that case. I wish some days things would get easier and maybe go my way, but I know that that isn't my destiny. I have a lot on my plate the next month or so with applying for jobs, finishing classes, and figuring out where I want to start my life. Clearly, I'm just a little stressed...lol. I guess the idea of actually starting completely fresh can scare someone even as strong as me. With that said, I know that I have to be strong and be the fighter I have always been to get what I want...in this case a job. I'm a woman with knowledge and ambition regardless of what disappointment comes I have to keep fighting because someone will eventually recognize that right? I mean we can only hope because I have no clue what my future holds for me. There is no certainty in life and as scary as that is it only makes me want to fight harder. No one is going to fight for me, I already know that, plus making it easy wouldn't make a difference in the end. Easy wouldn't make all this worth it or make me the fighter that I am. So my destiny is different than most, but still one that I rise to follow. I am a fighter no matter what and I will keep fighting for what I want, what I deserve, and those I love till the end. It may be stressful and frustrating at times, but with a little patience there might be something beautiful waiting for this fighter in the end. Here's Hoping!!!

Serenity Falling

When all else fails pray for serenity.

We can't win every battle and some of us can't win any, but truth be told the fighting is what makes us truly powerful. I recently felt like I have been fighting a loosing battle with life and what it decides to throw at me. I am blessed in ways, but been thrown to the sharks in others. In a funny way I am doing better, but better is still not fulfilling any sort of stability in my life. Maybe I am looking in the wrong places or hanging with the wrong people, but I am finding myself questioning friendships and choices I never found reason to before. Life has been playing ball with me for years, throwing curve balls when you least expect them and watching me work so hard just to strike out. I just question when my work will really matter, when all this good will be given a fair fight, a fair chance. I'm not sure when or where life will give me a chance, but until then I am Serenity Falling.
What does this mean? Well me having faith and knowing the serenity prayer that asks for wisdom to know the difference between what I can and can't change in my life is falling. This guidance and belief that serenity calms me is disappearing with the constant acceptance of striking out, of loosing people, of lack of trust. I'm not going to sit here and say that I have no good moments, truth is that I am blessed to have moments I would never take back, but at the same time I am struggling with accepting the same things constantly. That constant acceptance and idea of serenity with these things is making me jaded and numb. When you don't see anyway out or any change over time is there really going to be much hope of it getting better? My serenity is falling away in certain areas of my life. When you have dealt with so much bad, where is the good? Mind you this fall is not affecting the other layers, the parts of me that I strive to improve everyday and the people that I am blessed to call true friends and family. I am still a passionate person who is dancing her heart out and keeping her nose in the books. Yet, there is this feeling of peace being overshadowed that just gets to me time and time again. Here's Hoping Serenity stays around a little longer!

Priorities

 

 

The idea of priorities is something a college student struggles with daily. I personally am trying to figure out mine. I mean I am a student so yes classes and work are priorities, but what else. In my own way I guess I am making myself a priority. I am taking the rest of this year and watching my diet and working out till I bleed. Why? you may ask...because being healthy, feeling healthy, and loosing weight makes me happy. If anything I know being happy is what I need to focus on and make a priority. I just need to do what I can and be happy because in the end there is no one who is going to care about me like I should. I need to find peace and just be a lone soldier on the path to make myself a priority.

On another note the quote above means so much to me because it makes sense. I guess I live my life by the golden rule and in my mind I do for others because I would hope they would be there for me if I ever needed. I guess one thing I have learned is that its not always the case...honestly it rarely is. Yet, I still have this unwavering faith that this person might be different, that this time someone might make time for me. I can not make people care, I can't make people want to give, and I can't make people see. I am far from perfect and I am not one to judge. I guess I just hope for something more in life and with those I surround myself with. I don't think I will ever loose my faith and hope, I'm not sure I would ever want to....but I know that as tired as I am waiting for someone to be there and make time I will never not be there for those I hold close. You have to be the change you wish to see in the world as Gandhi said and I want people to not be afraid to trust. I want people to not be afraid to give of themselves, give of there time. As much as I need to be selfish I think being selfish is at times second to giving back. That's my opinion and your don't have to agree, but here's hoping it makes you think about your priorities as I'm constantly reevaluating mine.

I Am Enough

 

 

"I just want to be good enough." This is something I have said a million times or more. I just wanted to be enough for my parents, friends, for a love. Its silly and stupid to some, but I just wanted to be someone who was good enough. I have been good and done well but I always felt I came up short in comparison to certain people or just in peoples minds. It's hard to think you are good enough when you have been burned, broken, and rejected. It's funny how I know so many close friends of mine can't connect because they have been blessed with opportunities and lack of the word "no" being used towards them..lol. 

I am fighter with a past that has made me more cautious and realistic about life and love because life isn't fair. You can be a good person with a good heart and still get hurt, and still not be good enough. You are wiser and stronger they say and all I ever wanted was to be is good enough. What is good enough though? I mean if I knew then maybe I would figure out why I don't fit. Then I would try...try to change myself to fit...but why? A wise guy told me that you shouldn't change yourself for someone else, especially if you are you. I guess I wanted to fit so bad I was willing to change me...but the way I see it I have nothing to change. I have a good heart and a great personality, I'm not perfect but even in the imperfections I have plenty of beauty. Someone should see that right? If they don't then they aren't that someone...lol. As for the people closest to me they must see it, even if its not all the time, otherwise they wouldn't be there. I am good enough for me. I am still growing, learning, and getting better every day, but I am enough. I would hope I am good enough for you too regardless of my shortcomings and lack of confidence at moments. I am a fighter and I will stand my ground regardless of all those who pass me by or put me down. My hope is to remind not only myself , but you that you are good enough. Here's Hoping you stand your ground too!

I'm Back...

 

 

Back to school and classes, only kinda weird. I mean to go from teaching everyday to being taught is a little different. I know I have gotten to the Senioritus point now, not like I didnt have it before, but now I am just really over classes and I just want to pass and be done. Still scared of this stupid Cognitive Psychology class, but hoping it goes well (fingers crossed). Everything else so far has been good. This winter term is going to be oddly different for me and I feel that already. I mean I might just have time do accomplish things and do something new. I have working out everyday almost in my schedule, work, class, and currently I have time for studying and stuff. We will see how much dance I have time for. This term is just full of possibility...but to be honest im not really making plans. I mean of course I am going to class and keeping a schedule with stuff, but I'm gonna try and live each day as it comes, adventures and all. Senior Meetings will be had, so will parties, but as long as I get to spend time with all my friends before we part ways this year will be one to remember.

Currently I am just trying to keep my head above water and suppress this stupid cold. I am trying to eat better and branch out in all directions. The frightening thing is just the fact that adulthood is right there...I can see it and I know I have to get my resume perfected and sent out in order to feel more at ease. I guess there is no breaks for me no matter how sick I may be and honestly if I wasn't running around like crazy I don't know if people would recognize me.
Hope you all have started the year and the term on the right foot!

I'm Stubborn

 

So after having an amazing lunch with my brother and an awesome friend I feel kinda off. I mean it was a really good talk and it made me think a lot about life and myself. I guess its just the feeling that has always bugged me...I mean the idea of being good enough for someone or just finding a person in general. What I basically got out of this conversation was that Mr. Right is out there some where and if your lucky you might find him right under your nose. I think my problem is that I keep looking, that and apparently I don't get out enough...lol. I mean I'm social I just don't always have the push to go at it alone.

The other thing that has me thinking is that I am easy to read. I mean to say that if I like you, you know it. I'm not really a hard to get type of girl. I give until it hurts and ask for nothing in return but time. I guess this makes me easy: easy to walk past, easy to use, and easy to hurt. I am one thing besides easy though, I am stubborn. I'm not use to boys chivalry because I am too busy proving to them that I am just as tough, just as strong, and I can do anything that they can. I am so stubborn when it comes to my strength and my feelings. Sometimes I say things I don't mean like "It's fine." because I'm so concerned about looking weak if I say it hurt or no I'm angry. Heck I am so stubborn when it comes to boys, some would even say blind. I don't give up on people and I don't give up on hope, like the hope of something more. I have been known to ask about how someone feels about me and in that moment that they say I am a really great friend all I want to do is cry, but I hold my ground and smile and say ok cool. Its hard to trust people and let people in and watch that hope fall through the cracks. I can love somebody with all my heart, and I have and I would, but it doesn't mean they will love me back. Today I guess I just questioned my approach. Maybe I am too nice or give too much. Maybe I fall for the wrong ones or have too much hope. But that's me and as hard as it is to deal with I wouldn't change it. I love my heart and I love making people happy. Whether it is a friends birthday or grandmas Christmas gift I love seeing their faces smiling because of something I did or said. I figure I will get stepped on and used till the end. It will hurt and kill me but I'm a giver and a lover and fighter all wrapped in one. You better be certain that I will fight for what I love no matter what because I am stubborn and when I trust you and give my heart to you as a friend or more that love is real to me and worth fighting for. Here's Hoping I find someone who is willing to fight for me!