Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Year Begins 2012

So what is your New Years Resolution?
I use to not make them, but hey I think its good to make goals now...even if they don't always turn out as planned.
My Resolutions: My main one is to exercise more. I realize this year that it is something that I enjoy and keeps me zen. I also am going to to just "do". This might not make a whole lot of sense, but to me it does. I want to just do more, say yes more, be adventurous. I did that more this summer and I want to keep it up if I can. You never know...might make some road trips this summer. I guess the last thing goes without saying if you know me, but as good as I have been over break I want to be even better. I need to get myself figured out, find some peace, and find some solid friends. I don't know if I can break some ties, but depending how things go I might have no other choice.
My hope for this new year is a lot less headaches and a lot more fun for everyone. Life can get you down believe me and it can drive you crazy, but you have to know that things can always get better and life takes time. I'm slowly learning this. For all my friends know that no matter what happens and no matter where you are I'm here for you. If you want to have fun hit me up, but if you ever need to talk about anything I am here too. Enjoy tonight and Here's Hoping we have an Amazing New Year!!!

Picking up and Heading Back

So I realize break once again kinda flew by and I'm not ready to leave. I have a lot of unfinished business to deal with at school that I am not looking forward to, nor do I really want to. Yet I can't stop the clock and so the packing begins. Nothing makes me feel more like a girl then packing. I always try to cut down on what I bring, but its always a lot. I know I am definitely bringing more back to school then I brought home. I can't really help it. I mean I got some things that are important like winter boots, an electric blanket....I mean I can't leave home without my new waffle maker! LOL Ok yea the waffle maker isn't needed but its sooooooooo kewl! My backpack is even heavy with my new books for the term. I look around at the things I pack and its hard to cut corners...I mean the whisky has to come with! :P
Regardless I have to finish packing and then pack the car for my 3 hour road trip to the great college in the middle of no where. Can't really complain I mean I get to blast my ipod and jam out driving for three hours, that's my meditation. As much as I love hanging out with people I guess I find real solace in being alone sometimes. Just me and the road, I can't screw anything up and I am too busy singing to think deeply lol. Its kinda funny thinking about it now cuz it is kinda like my life. I go from one group of people to another with a bunch of lonely moments in between. Those moments seem to last forever sometimes and I try to avoid them, but I feel like that's just where I am meant to be. I have to stop basically "begging" people to hang out because I want to have fun and let it go. If people really want to be there, really want to hang out then they will just have to find me. No telling if I can actually stick to this, but hey it sounds So here's to packing and my last two days!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Mirror, Mirror...

I look in the mirror and I realize I don't know who I'm and it frightens me. I have tried to be perfect all my life and that is no way to live. I know my flaws by far and in high school and especially coming to college I realized that I am far from perfect. I am instead a girl trying to do the best she can under a massive mix of circumstances. I guess it worries me because I have come to a point where I question who I am and where I am going amongst so many people who are so sure of themselves. What made me go down this path I am on? All I can think of is my fear of disappointment, doing what is expected, and my goal of helping people. All the "what ifs" pop in my head and I wonder if I made a mistake some where. I am not sure if its just the fear that comes along with making a solid commitment or just the nerves of my education coming to a close in a year. The sad part is that I know that there is not one person out there who can give me the right answer. Not even my

Then there comes the more important dilemma...who am I?
I guess no person can really answer this question fully or completely get at 21...but I guess I'm desperate for some answers. Here's what I got...let me know if you disagree or have something to add!
I am a daughter, sister, granddaughter, and friend. I am a woman, though I call myself a girl...its habit lol. I'm a hard worker, dancer, artist, and lover. I am a girl that has so much trouble looking in the mirror and liking what I see. I have a long history that I try to not let affect me, but I realize it affects my life everyday. I'm a survivor and a fighter that has moments of pure exhaustion. Please understand I say all this to admit my imperfection to those of you who read and also to myself. I am far from the perfect daughter I appear to portray, but I do the best I can. I don't like what I see in the mirror so its time for me to change it. If can overcome my faults, my history to become better then I will, I have no choice if I want to move forward. Here's Hoping after a lot of work things will get better!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Hi my name is Megan and I'm an addict.

Ok calm down people I was just talking about my shoes!!!!!
Look I like shopping like most girls and for some reason shoes are my downfall. I know I have way too many, but I paid for most out of my own money, most were on sale, and I wear them all I swear. I just find it funny that there are so many of us shoe addicts out there. Also, may I say I went to high school with some of you boys and y'all got the same problem getting all types of ones. My point is that its definitely not just girls buying up all the
People have funny little "obsessions" so to speak that can be as obvious as shoes or shopping to crazy stuff. I like to figure out how people tick and I realize I analyze people a lot...but what can I say its fun lol. What I see a lot is that people have little things like working out ALL the time, being super excited about a video game, being a sports fan, or even just being in love with a band/ artist. Everyone has something that they really love or like that gets them happy.

So I ask you to think about what makes you tick and what you really enjoy, feel free to share it with me. But I also ask you to think about this: do you have a bad obsession? Is there something in your life that doesn't make you happy, but you can't go with out or avoid getting rid of...consider letting it go, I know I am :)
Here's Hoping!


We all have pride...some of us show it more then others, I'm talking to you Capricorns lol. Heck everyone falls victim to it at some point. I have encountered pride on two main levels one being "ego". Not surprisingly, as much as I love you, the boys I find in and around my life either portray large egos or actually have them. Its funny sometimes and I tend to poke fun at them almost instigating them to maintain their ego, my real reason behind it though is to keep them grounded. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy ego, having good self esteem is what everyone should have or at least strive for. Yet, people need to understand limits, know that they are not invincible, and be grounded enough to recognize what/ who is around them. Pride can be a person's down fall in a number of ways, but I think the main one is missing out on something. This leads to the other level of pride, pride in terms of putting yourself on a pedestal of some sort there by making you impossible to reach. No matter how amazing a person is if they have too strong of pride there is no way "reason" can get to them, not to mention they miss out. Pride can tear you from a grounded sense of reality and keep you from a so much more.

I didn't mean for the first part to sound like a service announcement against pride. The whole reason I bring it up to begin with because in a weird way I think I am attracted to it. I tend to find myself, at least looking at my past, falling for guys who have intense pride in themselves and what they do. I find it weird because I am not by any means extremely prideful. So I wonder, knowing a little bit about myself, if the fact that I am self conscious ties into this little phenomenon. Its silly I know, but there is something about a guy and their ego that draws me in. Maybe its the fun of it all with my jokes and pokes at who they think they are, but it could also be that I see it as a challenge. I see something in this strong, ridiculous jerk, possibly that he isn't so bad if he climbs down from the pedestal.

No one is perfect and I am far from it. I'm also not saying that pride is an evil thing nor that it is some crazy thing guys do that make girls go crazy. I guess I am writing this not only to get my thoughts out about pride and why it interests me, but also because I kind of want to ground some people. If you have prideful moments or are one of those strong ego people I just want to say: There are amazing people in your life who you will never notice if you don't come down to earth once in a while.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Fighting a Loosing Fight

Ok so I realize I'm crazy and weird...always my attempt is in a fun, laughter creating way. Yet, the past couple days all I can think about is what people have said to me. People that I am friends with saying things like: "you got to be good to yourself", "you get worked up to much", "you still have somethings to workout about yourself". I get that I'm a mess in some ways, but I don't want to let that get in the way of any friendships or relationships in my life. Regardless of whether you see me as strong or not I know I am after all I have been through and deal with. I say this with pride because I actually believe it now. I am strong woman always fighting some battle coming close, but never close enough. It gets so frustrating striving to be all I can be, fighting for someone or something (an idea, person, moment, my place) yet I'm never any closer. I wear my heart on my sleeve and regardless of my issues with trust I keep hoping things change, or that they are different this time. It hasn't got much better...I wonder if I am fighting for the wrong people? How do I know who to fight for?

I wish I could answer those questions, but I can't. I keep having faith in people who hurt me because I know how beautiful their soul truly is and I don't want to let go of that person. I've put so much of myself out there to walk away seems like failure. Not to mention everyone thinks I'm completely messed up and they don't want to deal with that. I was up late last night questioning if I will ever get what I have been fighting for or if it will always be out of reach. Being hurt, messed up me is hurting my chances of ever being "good enough" and I don't know how to fix it. I want peace and happiness, but everyone who looks at me seems to see a broken doll weak and fragile or a mess they don't want to help clean up. I'm at odds as always trying to hold my head high and be what I can for myself and others. Yet, it never seems good enough. I don't know what enough is, but I can promise you I have given it all. Here's Hoping Someone Realizes This!!!

The Squirrels

FYI This is a fun post!!!

I LOVE Ok don't take it the wrong way I am not like crazy about them, but I guess that's my animal bond so to speak. As my dad would say, "If Meg was an animal she would be a squirrel cuz she is a little nuts, not to mention do you see how crazy she is about peanut butter?" Ok yes I think they are can't really deny it from that photo either. Regardless, I grew up around them, they were the first animal me and my dad would sit and watch outside. They are so funny and seeing them at school everyday cracks me up because they are not really scared of people. I literally had an awkward moment on the sidewalk with one where we were trying to pass each other. Squirrels are full of personality and I can't help but adore them. So a take a moment to watch the squirrels and laugh, trust me its worth it. :)
P.S. There is a squirrel mafia so watch out!!!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Moving Forward

I admit I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I just know that I have a good heart and personality. With that being said I have had to deal with a lot this past term. In return I have had the good sense to think some things out and relax this winter break. So far I have come to some conclusions. One being that there are definitely a number of people in my life who don't really need to be there. I say this because after examining some things I feel like those people pretend to be close, but if they were really they would value the friendship a little more then they do. I also guess I have a terrible sense of bad luck because I can't seem to find true happiness for very long...I always find a way to screw it up. Lastly, I think the most amazing thing that I have found out about myself is that I am stronger then I appear. Yes, this past term I fell deep on weakness, but it took quite some time for me to break my strength. If I was truly weak I would've fallen a long time ago, but I remained strong. I admit I have done a lot of things I am not proud of, but at the time they seemed like the best ideas. Many of my decisions have been made out of love or pain, not the best idea acting on emotion yet it seemed to give my decisions more creditability. I've long been known as a romantic or sorts, I follow my heart more then my head. It has gotten me into trouble a time or two, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My heart's desire, my hearts choice is what allows my conscious to be clear at night and for me to have little regret.

Now its time for me to make some hard choices in how I am going to deal with things. For one I have to find peace in some way. This can be found a number a ways and for me the main two are going to be talking to people and being my artsy self. Call it Art Therapy, but I am back to writing and drawing again. In the moments I am working on a piece I am focused, thinking only of my work and away from the crazy pain I struggle with sometimes. It calms me and in the end I have something I am proud of. I need to separate myself from the people I can't trust and surround myself with those I can. Life isn't easy, but I find time is best spent around those who matter.

*Note for those who matter: I often look to you for help and talk you ear off sometimes, but you know I am there for you the same way if you need me. I regret sometimes if I bug you, but I promise its out of love. I want you to understand that I truly appreciate you and all that you do. You lift my spirit and pull me out of my house. You make me recognize what I lack to see in myself. Thank you for being there, thank you for your honesty, thank you for your trust, It means the world to me.

In closing there is a shift being made in me, a new stronger me is rising so watch out. I'm not running, I'm gonna stand and fight. I am worth it and if you don't think so there is the door. I'm putting this to rest in this post, I am moving forward with those I trust into the future I create.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Fear of Movies

Ok so I realized after to talking to some friends and writing this stupid Anso paper that I have fears of ridiculous things. The main one that I guess might make no sense to most people is my fear of going to the movies. Its not so much a fear as I just don't like it at all. I have nothing but bad experiences when I go to a movie theater and I figure I could better use my time. I'm also cheap and don't want to pay so much to see it, if I wait it will come out on cable, or DVD if I really want to see it over and over again. I guess this whole problem stems from jus having bad experiences and being lazy as all

The bad experiences:
1) Being at the movies with my sister is too much. She be extra loud and laughing, I can't even hear whats going on.
2) Always had to see what she wanted to see. Yes, that meant that I had to see Thomas the Train instead of Laura Croft (...And before you all get started, yes I liked Thomas the Train...when I was 5, but at 12 that was a shitty movie).
3) Went to the movies for my bff's bday expecting, as I was told, other people were coming. No one showed up besides her then bf...lets just say its awkward as all hell and made me pissed that she wanted to sit right next to me.
4) Had my bday and went the movies, told all my friends, no one could make it :(
.....Bad things just happen there, so I'm not a fan...not to mention I have like a problem with sitting still that long. I don't care how crazy that makes me, there are other ways of having fun...if you don't believe that we need to talk.

Monday, October 10, 2011

What Dance Means to Me

There is nothing like being on stage. Having the light shining down on you and knowing people have come to see you preform. All the energy that is on that stage in those few moments you can't explain. Its a beautiful feeling that I love. When I dance I just feel the music and move. Its expression and passion rolled into one. I have danced with injuries and anger, but it only makes the feeling that much more powerful. Apart of me wishes I took dance more seriously when I was younger and got more training, but regardless I still love to dance. In a moment you can express something without any words and feel the most beautiful connection with your body. When I freestyle it is almost like my mind turns off and I just go. I respect anyone who is a dancer and those who do it professionally. It is immensely hard at times and takes training to perfect any style. Dance is a sport and I will kick some one's ass if they disagree. We train just as hard and deserve to be seen a professional athletes as well as performers. I know I am still training myself every time I dance under a different instructor/ choreographer. My hope is before I graduate I can actually choreograph a piece to perform here at college. It will be one of the hardest and most challenging things that I have ever done. I am hoping it comes out amazing though, because dance is something that I have loved since I was able to walk. It is apart of me and no matter what happens in life I will continue to dance. Here's Hoping!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Going For It

I am putting myself out there and trying to take some control of myself at the same time. It sounds funny, but life has got me spinning. Yes, I am in control of myself, but sometimes I need to do what is best for me and not others so I am gonna take that step in being a little more selfish. I have to do me and I have been trying to do that without compromise. I am feeling stronger and happier in a way. I have to stop doing what I think others want from me because in the end I am only there for myself. I have to be strong for me, not you. If you think that playing with me and my feelings is helpful to this process....memo to you: Its NOT!, but with this said I'm not gonna let you hurt me any more. I'm basically writing a goodbye letter to you and your games and walking away. Its time for me to go for it and walk blindly forward. I have no idea what will be in front of me, but I know it will be better then what I left behind me. I am gonna try and be strong and go forward in this unknown frontier. I know I am may falter, but in the end as long as I keep pushing forward I know I am doing what is best for me. Here's Hoping!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Figuring Things Out...Checking In

I am at odds...

Recap, I have been back on campus a minute and been having sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much fun till sadly classes started...but hey that is why I am here. Regardless I realized this week that my life from now on will be dull and boring. :(
Ok that's a lie, when is my life truly boring...I will never let this come to pass!!! Classes have me freaked out a bit just because of the amount of work required, but like I said this is what I am here for and I will get it done!...hopefully ;)
I am observing/ working at a school in town for 3 hours straight. This teacher is gonna use me to her full advantage, which I have no problem with considering this is what I want to do for a living. I am back interning at the lovely preschool with a whole new class that I already adore! They are so sweet and oddly quiet in comparison to the class last year.
My Bday is this week! Turning 21 and I just can't wait!!! So I apologize in advance for all the crazy things that might happen, cuz I know me and I know they will...bahahahaha
In other news: I guess I am trying to work on me, as always. Been working out more and I am feeling good about myself. I am by far more social this year and tryin to meet new people and get involved in other things. My friends are growing in numbers and this makes me sooooooooooo happy, not like I didn't have friends before but the more diverse my friends are the better I feel and the more I get pushed into attending things/joining things. Sometimes I need a little push to get
I am using this house to my advantage and have cooked quite a bit already and I bought more pasta today so I know there will be cooking in my future...maybe in real close future cuz I am getting hungry.

So as you may have noticed this entry is titled "Figuring Things Out...Checking In"....well I did the checking in part now to explain the 1st part. I am trying to figure out a lot this term/ year. I don't know how long it is gonna take, but I guess I will find out. I have to figure some stuff out with certain people here and at home. I am personally at odds with a friend at home and well...we will see how this goes. As for people here, I know one friend for sure I need to talk to, but considering where I am I have no idea if I can do it. I just get so mad and sad and I try really hard not to let my emotions hit me like that, but it just happens. Its really hard to be the good friend and to feel hurt at the same time...beyond that idk. I will figure all the things out, I always do. Here's Hoping!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

What is Romance?

To each person this is a different answer. Some people expect romance to be over the top, to some little things matter, and others don't believe it exists. Any girl raised among the Disney Princess movies would probably believe in romance and the wonder of its beauty (I know I do lol). Regardless though romance can be a wonderful and confusing thing.

1. a novel or other prose narrative depicting heroic or marvelous deeds, pageantry, romantic exploits, etc., usually in a historical or imaginary setting.
2. the colorful world, life, or conditions depicted in such tales.
3. a medieval narrative, originally one in verse and in some Romance dialect, treating of heroic, fantastic, or supernatural events, often in the form of allegory.
4. a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration or fanciful invention.
5. a romantic spirit, sentiment, emotion, or desire.
Its funny how even the definition says it's "made-up". I guess logically it doesn't make sense and to an academic it is just a silly piece of fiction...but what if that romantic spirit is more then that. It very well could be irrational yet it still exists because of a feeling. Romance and love go hand in hand, neither are really definable, though we all try and make our own definitions. They are apart of human nature and our need to connect to people.
Romance to me is simple and pure, its not the crazy big things. A boy can, and has, swept me off my feet by talking to me and telling me something personal. Opening up to me is huge as well as being a gentleman. Its not about gifts, dates, or anything huge...its the small kiss on the neck or forehead that shows that you care, the reminder that you have my back, the moments where he holds my hand or hugs me while he looks into my eyes. I can't speak for everyone, but to me that's romance, that's how I get caught up. It's such a funny thing, but so beautiful because in those moments I can soar beyond cloud nine and I never want to come down.
For logic's sake I am gonna try to keep my feet on the ground for a while...Here's Hoping!!!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Catching up and Getting Caught Up...

Catching up:
So its been sometime since I got on here last. I went on vacation to the most amazing place...wait for it....Wisconsin Dells...ok pretty ordinary but to a girl like me who doesn't get to travel, well ever, it was awesome. I really had a nice time and I love swimming so there was no down side...besides getting a boat load of bruises and getting a cut on my foot. I am really not complaining though cuz I would do it again in a heart beat. I loved just bonding with my sister for the first time in ever and swimming all day. We did play a round of miniature golf though which was really trippy being that it was black light and you wore 3D glasses. With that said, I can assume miniature golf and drugs not the best combination. I drove out of Wisconsin though toner, with a wine glass,and a shot glass. Cheers! LOL
My family and I spent the last days of vacation at home shopping. We basically picked up some left over school supplies/ clothes. I have to say though I found the cutest dress and am so glad I got purchase to date :)
 I have basically compiled a list of things I have to do in the next week before I head back to school...there are so many things. I have taken care of some, but I have to pack, wash dishes, do laundry, and get my hair cut. It seems like "all the things" it will all get done. I just have to take each day as it comes and not stress out, its not worth it. Most people are either back to school or about to head back so I am kinda alone for the next week, which makes me even more pumped to head back. Its kinda sad to see the summer end, I may not have been as adventurous as I wanted, but I think I truly grew and did things differently. All in all summer was good and one of the strongest I've had. There are some things I will miss...

Caught Up:
So....Disregard the last post about guys. I think I am caught up in a guy who I care very much about. I know just what I need right, lol. Its hard cuz there is no sense of security with this. I can't control it though. I'm falling for him and I think he knows it, but the timing isn't great. I guess I will have to have patience or move on...which seems unthinkable cuz I'm so caught up :-/
Here's Hoping!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Not All that Glitters is Gold

So I guess by the title you can figure out that maybe I haven't had the best couple of days. I did come to a realization about some things. I realize I don't know what I want right now and I have no business looking for something. Why should I go looking for a relationship when I don't even know that is what I need? I came to this realization in the worst way possible; I stood up someone on a date. Yes, I know how rude, but I got scared and freaked out. Then it hit me...maybe I am not ready for this, this whole relationship thing as much as I think I am. In my mind it was something I have been longing for and waiting for, but now that I started really looking around I feel like there is no one in my life right now worth my heart. What is the point of making due...besides the feeling lonely sometimes and all the benefits that come with a relationship...but besides I just feel that someone has to be out there worth my heart, otherwise all the drama and pain I have had to deal with was for nothing. Its hard thinking that its gonna take time for this person to show up, but as much as I hate waiting I can't put myself through more heartache and drama for something that last for a minute. The glitter of a quick way out of loneliness is not worth the pain of being in one that fails miserably. I want more and I think I have finally realized I am worth more...with that being said if some guy comes by and he is cute....well there are loopholes, lol (I'm through with guys, they all tell lies, they break your heart and make you cry. Loving guys is such a sin.......ooh! check out that guy that just walked in! )
I just need to work on me some more before I attempt anything. Here’s Hoping!
P.S. This song got me in the mood to write this!!! So Click The Link!!!!!!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Feeling Good

Nina Simone- Feeling Good
Muse- Feeling Good
Jennifer Hudson- Feeling Good
Michael Buble- Feeling Good

Above are links to the same song done by 4 different people. I love this song and each artist brings something different to it. The 1st one is more raw and blues like. The second one has a rock edge to it. The third one is soul and R&B at its best. The last one is the one I first heard and I love his sound no matter what he sings, but his take on the song is more dramatic as a crooner would be.

All these different takes on the song i love and kinda admire. Someone had the guts to hear this song and say I want to put my twist onto it. That takes a lot of confidence to take something on that is already good and change it. I guess the whole reason of the post today is to share this song and give a version to each person depending on what they like. Its all about feeling good, even if things don't work out you just got to remember
"It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good"

Here's Hoping your Feeling Good!!!

P.S. Funny Bonus Video

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Random Chatter

So....this coming Monday is my last day of work. I am kinda sad and happy at the same time. I know its been rough because this was a new thing for me and I had no clue what I was doing, but I know I learned a lot. I learned about myself and how to handle certain situations, plus I got to meet a bunch of amazing kids. So now I am more aware which is good and I have a month to devote to doing what I want till I head back to school.

 I got one thing accomplished with putting together this bookshelf and putting away all my books, who knew a bookshelf could make me so happy. My room looks bigger and it feels nicer. Yet, it's still cluttered with college stuff and things I don't need. My goal is to get it some what cleaned up before I leave. So there is one project for the next month.

In other news I am kinda sad that Borders is going out of business. I know they are expensive, but my library doesn't have much of a selection and Borders was a place where I could find anything I was looking for. I went to the one in Orland yesterday and just walked around, found gifts for my dad and sister which was good. My hope is that I can go back and scoop up clearance books for my own reading. I have sooooooooo many books and so many that I haven't read yet. I just haven't had time and when school starts I can't really read for fun at all. So maybe I will try and get one book finished before I head back. I feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I feel bored, but yet there is plenty to do. I guess I am just weird like that. Here's Hoping for Clarity!

P.S. Since I am so enchanted with my own bookshelf I decided to post a picture of the library from Beauty and the Beast...o childhood

Monday, July 18, 2011

Cleaning House

So I am finally cleaning my room today. Mind you that it isn't that dirty, just cluttered with all the college boxes I have refused to unpack. Most of it is going back to school with me in a month so I just don't see the point. But yesterday I got a new, taller bookshelf for my room and since I have no patience I have begun cleaning out the space so I can put up my new bookshelf. With this new handy bookshelf my dreams of becoming the Disney Princess Belle is finally coming true (she was the one who had the whole library and was a book worm in case you weren't aware). Nonetheless I am happy to have more storage for all my books and things. I just need to clean up whats left in my room and maybe one day I will get the desk I dream day. Any who I realize how much I just don't want to clean my room, I feel like I make little to know progress when I try. I admit I have way too much stuff. I need to get rid of a lot of it and I am trying. Currently I am working on donating things so that way I don't feel bad about getting rid of them. My closet is one thing that I know I need to go through, but its so hard to get rid of things, idk maybe I am weird but I just don't know when I might need something. I feel like its harder now because I am starting to get more nice clothes I can wear to school for observation and eventually student teaching. My closet is just overwhelmed. I really need to just purge my room of all the things I don't use so I can just have the basics. Eventually my room will be where I want it, but with the constant moving in and out of my room its hard to keep up. I know once I get it where I want it, it will be time to leave. Just thinking about it is exhausting. Time for a, I wish.

I do have a question though, why is it so hard to get rid of things. I find that I put so much into objects that is is so hard to part with them. Take for example stuffed animals, while some girls have two or three I have a bunch sitting on a futon in my room. I can't really part with them because they all have names and have a story, but its not like I play with them. They just sit in my room collecting dust and only a chosen two sit in my bed. How do you get rid of things like that, things you develop close attachments to but no longer enjoy as you once did? I think the saddest one I have isn't even a stuffed animal, its a hoodie. A boys hoodie that sits on a high shelf in my closet folded that I haven't worn since high school. It has good memories tied to it and I personally can't find the strength to throw it away or donate it and he won't take it back. I don't wear it because I feel a disconnect since I am no longer his girlfriend and he moved on, but for some reason every time I come across it I can't get rid of it.........................idk why........maybe its the memories, maybe its the pain of letting go, maybe its the fear that you won't remember...

P.S. I loved the book above when I was a kids, mainly because it reminded me of my

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Need You Now

Ok so I am listening to this song by Lady Antebellum. I am sure you have probably heard it even if you didn't realize it. Here's a link just in case though:

Any who I guess my point is that I completely relate to this song.
"Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause
I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now"

I guess the phone calls are the guys in my life I think I need or I cling to and call drunk or sober. I make the mistake when I am alone to cling to these boys instead of trying to busy my mind in other ways. When I'm bored I spend too much time thinking or if I'm alone I do the same thing. I hate the loneliness and the quiet day after day, so I end up calling boys who don't much care either way what happens to me. A part of me wishes these guys felt the same way I feel about them and really did care enough to be there for me as a friend at least, but I guess I ask too much. Nonetheless, I call the guys I try to avoid talking to all day and it normally goes down hill from there. Regardless of the time I loose control and try to have polite conversation with people who don't need me as much as I feel like I need them. I know I am better then that and at school I am fine, but being home with none of my college friends near its hard. I end up talking to old friends and people who are no good for me, but what is a social girl to do? I guess I would rather deal with the crap they throw at me then be alone, locked up in my room like a modern day Rapunzel. IDK

Friday, July 8, 2011

Looking Back

Ok, so I so happened to look through a yearbook today and let me tell you 2 things: 1) I don't miss high school. & 2)Time gives you a different perspective....if you doubt any of this I dare you to look back at your own yearbook, you might be surprised. I know that when I looked at it I realized how at the time you are so focused on everything surrounding high school: relationships, class, reputation, activities, friends, cliques, how you dress...all these things make up your world in these 4 years and you feel like you are being judged on all these things. You are in this high school bubble that you really don't grow out of till you graduate. Some people don't really grow out of that in college either, depending how they choose to act. I know that I was wrapped up in the high school bubble and didn't see the outside possibilities. I was given limited freedom in high school and college was just a whole different experience. I remember high school being a place of either great highs or epic lows, no middle ground really. I had friends and boyfriends, but I look back and wished I did somethings different. Not getting hung up on a boy who didn't deserve my attention for one and making more close friends would have been a start. I can't go back now though, I can only go forward. I started off college trying to fit, but I realized quickly I just have to be me. But who am I? In high school all I ever tried to be was the good friend, I never really looked at myself. College aloud me, almost forced me, to figure out who I am...mind you I am still working on it, but I have a direction. One thing I know now is there are gonna be people who dislike me and I am going to dislike certain people because of my personal thoughts, feelings, and values. Its gonna happen, but at least I am standing up for myself and for something instead of falling for everything (yes I stole that quote,but it fit perfectly). I am finding myself and trying to better myself as a whole person now. Finding true friends and people I connect to more so then I did before. High School is like another world to me now. I know some people look back and think of high school as this amazing time, but to me it was just a step. The amazing times are still to come, high school isn't my peak. I am looking up and out, I am optimistic!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Super Behind

Its been a while...time to catch up. Ok, so I finished my book and I have yet to commit to another one, so if you know an amazing read let me know. Also, work has been...interesting...I have learned a lot about myself and children just based on this group of ten 6&7 year olds. These kids are great most of the time, but other times I wonder...lets just say some are hard of hearing. Nonetheless I am getting paid and doing something that I wanted to do, work with kids. Overall, my day consists of me entertaining them and getting them from one place to another, I am a babysitter for 3 hours twice a week. I am not complaining, but I feel like a babysitters job is harder then that of a teacher, in the sense that the children expect to have fun with you and basically make them happy while still doing what you have to do. As a teacher kids understand that school is a different environment where they come to learn and they know there are rules and consequences. The worst punishment they can get at camp is a time out...which doesn't do much, especially for the emotional kids. Idk, some days this job is great and other days I wonder what I got myself into, wonder if this will work and if I am even doing a good job. Time will tell...

In other news I went to the taste for the first time last weekend. Spent the Saturday driving up to my friends house and leaving there with myself and three friends of mine to take the CTA (another 1st for me). We walked the taste and shared amazing food, of course we went on the hottest day known to man, but happens. I would say I spent a good a good 4 hours there and then it just got too hot for me so me and a friend took the Metra home (this was not a 1st, but I now understand how the Metra works and what train I get on). No, I am not Chicagoan by far but maybe I am getting there...I know for sure that this is one mark in my book of experience and adventure so cheers to that.
Currently I am planning a zoo trip with some friends and possibly going to see some over the weekends. I have been so tired and my sleep cycle has been so weird that I just haven't worked out like I was, but I getting back to that. Trying to plan things for myself for the coming year, but if I learned one thing, nothing is for certain. Here's hoping best is to come!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Life and Other things

Today was my first day of work!!! I am excited and nervous all at the same time to actually be a counselor and work with the kids next was just meet and great and training. It was a super long day waking up at 6:45 and at the park district till 2pm, having all this information thrown at me. The other counselors seem nice enough that I should get by and learn from them. Only time will tell for sure though...but at least I am CPR/AED certified for 2 years! Go Me :)

In other news: I am super involved in this book I am reading. The Last Olympian, the last book of the Percy Jackson series is really interesting. I know its a teen book, but it really just captures my imagination and is really interesting. I suggest the series to anyone who just wants to sit down with a book and go to another world. It truly is a quick moving series and it basically places you in America, but with Greek twists. Just pretend for a minute that all the Greek myths and gods were real and place all the settings in the US. Its pretty interesting, but I always liked Greek mythology.
I am also trying to read some/ most of the books I have lying around my room...trying to educate myself I guess and have more random info in my head. Its interesting how every summer I always have this amazing list of things I want to accomplish and yet I never seem to make much of an impact on the list. I am really going all out this summer though. I am working, reading, working out, and cleaning...not to mention I want to get out and DO things. Really get out and have new experiences and meet new people. I am excited and nervous at the same time. Some moments I am afraid I won't get enough done or really make any progress, but I just hope for the best and keep trucking. I miss all my Knoxy Friends!!! Here's hoping I see some soon!!!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Today in Science: Heart is a Confusing Thing

You ever fall for someone and it leaves you in a strange to me about it.

Problem: You have no idea how weird my situation is...not terrible but confusing. I get caught in between the good and bad with this person and every time I just want to let him go I find it almost impossible, something pulls me back to him. It's stupid and crazy, but I get caught up in the moments we have together. I am better then this and I give advice on this type of stuff...but for some reason I am just irrational. Those big brown eyes catch me and I buy what he is selling...which ain't much considering he seems to be avoiding dating me, and he caught up at the moment. I know I'm stupid...but considering my past I think it make

Solution: I guess the best way to handle this is to let him go, just walk away. IDK if I can do that, but it does sound good right?

Truth: I guess I'm too stubborn for my own good. I'm afraid of giving up and finding myself in a "what if situation"...I hate those situations. I want to live life without regrets if I can help it. Yet, I guess one of my close friends put it best "make sure you are your 1st priority!" That's a weird concept for me, I figure when I look back at my life so far I never really fought for myself as much as I should've...I wanted to make other people happy. I wanted to be mommy and fix other people's problems, conform to their needs and wants. It wasn't till college that I started figuring out what I wanted, who I wanted to be. I fought for people all my life, fought for recognition and even in moments like this I am still fighting. I am fighting for this boy to pay attention to what is right in front of him, me....why should I keep fighting? YouTube: Never Ever

New Observation: What am I really doing here? Waiting for a boy for 3 years to notice me, to date me...that's a laugh I guess cuz after 3 years I think anyone reasonable enough whould've seen it as a lost cause...not me, cuz as we discovered earlier I am not Regardless, I deserve better then this, I know I have a great heart and a great personality to back it up. I am not perfect, but I know that I got a lot to like about me, yet he don't see it. It's a shame really, but what can I do?...Nothing. I think the hardest thought for me is that if I let go there won't be anyone else (my deepest fear). It sucks being THAT girl, I want more then that, but I don't want to be alone...confusion :/

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

1 Down...

I got a Job!!!! What does this mean? I am not hopeless. I am not gonna be broke. I finally succeed at attaining a summer job after what seems like forever. I will be a day camp counselor for a month...I am sooooooo excited. I feel that I am more excited then nervous to be honest, maybe because after the blog I wrote yesterday I am really feeling the adventurous side of myself. I want to really go into this job and do the best I can, but not be scared. Yes, this is a new experience , but I can only learn from it....or at least that is what I keep telling myself. This job thing has really made me feel a lot more confident in the last couple hours since I got the news. I honestly feel whole in a way I can't explain. I am contributing to my life and going outside of this protective four walls I have just allowed to restrain me, now I finally can just DO something...anything. I also look at is as a way to start paying it forward, make an impact on my loans or dues...I am even thinking about increasing my work hours at school just so I can have more money to devote to these things. Its time I spread my wings, took on more things (like a crazy person) and let the chips fall where they may. I don't know who I will be at the end of this summer, not sure where I will end up either...what I do know is the Megan I was before and the Megan I am now are so different from one another. I have grown so much from high school till now, here's hoping I keep getting better!!!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Lost in Summer

Ok catch up I made it through the peer teaching with an A-...Yay!!! I also almost failed out of a class...Yay :(    IDK, I had a hard time with a ten page paper which I hope I fixed and worked on enough to raise my grade. I still don't know my grades, but it might take another week before I know anything. O well, all I can do is hope I did well and push forward. Currently I am clustered in a house, surrounded by "stuff". There really is no other way to put it, there is my stuff that I need to put away, but part of me feels like it is pointless considering in 3 months I am gone again. Once again I am prone to cleaning this house and making things nice, yet part of me really wants to be adventurous this summer. I might actually go to the taste for once in my life, ride the train for the second time, and be crazy. I have all these big dreams and crazy notions. I just want to experience life!!!

So here I am lost in summer! I have no clue where this summer may take me or who might even be on the journey with me, but I know I need to roll down the windows, go places I have never been, and find me. Yet, I know when im home I will be cleaning, working on sorority stuff, and reading (if I get a chance after the first two)...o and btw I need to work out. All the Things!!!! Heres hoping I gain something from this summer and maintain my sanity!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Saturday, April 2, 2011


So I am an elementary education I shouldn't be freaked out by having to do a 20min lesson right? Think Again. I am freaked the heck out! I LOVE kids and teaching/ helping them like I did at the preschool last term. I know that I love teaching, though I don't have a full grasp of how yet. My biggest fear is that I screw this project up and get told that I just don't have it in me to be a teacher. Honestly, I think I would cry. More then anything I want this; I have the patience and the passion. My fear is that I don't have the skills. I know as I said in my last post: live one day at a time, but I'm still a little worried about this because I know this assignment is coming up soon. I know I can talk in front of a class, but it still is a nerve recking thing especially if it is my peers. To me teaching them is scarier then any kindergartner because these guys will have no trouble knowing if I am wrong or realizing my mistakes. Regardless I have to do this to become a teacher and I will get through it...some how I will no matter how nervous I maybe. Practice makes perfect I guess. In other news I start my fieldwork at one of the schools in town on Monday. I am kinda excited to be working with kids again mixed with a little nerves because I don't know what to expect. Here's Hoping it all goes well!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Balancing Act

And on the tight rope we have the lovely, sorry couldn't help myself. Here I am once again trying to balance so many things at once and I see some friends struggling. The truth is that I feel their pain and I am struggling too, I am just good at hiding it. I realize I am not super woman, but I have to stay, as much as I can, on top of things, not to mention I have to take it one day at a time. I can't think too hard about the future because you never know what will happen and you have to live and do things for the moment. I spend time working out and socializing on the weekends for me and I work for class and my sorority on the week days. Life is stressful and I know I am going from early morning to mid afternoon most days that working out to my favorite songs or watching TV helps me just breath. You can't let life bog you down and make you feel overwhelmed because then you will never really live. I feel like I am juggling more then I ever did in high school, even though I don't participate so much in a bunch of clubs like I did back then. Yet, I am gaining more from what I do with school, work, sorority, preschool and just having fun. I have the hard task of having to balance all these things and though it first seemed impossible when I was a freshmen here I feel like this term I am getting it right...I just need to keep it up. Here's Hoping!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Spring Break

Spring Break was way too short. I realize most people know this and that I am reflecting on this a week later, but regardless it is a fact. I spent the majority of my break hanging out with my family, shopping, and eating. I always enjoy homemade food that is always sooooo good. My personal requested favorite of the week was BBQ, I just wanted a hot dog and sausage with some grill marks, nothing really tastes better then a piece of meat with grill marks. I know that might sound weird, but that's just me. I love me BBQ and hopefully over the summer me and my dad will make our amazing ribs. Beyond that I realize every time I leave home how much I miss it. I love my family and for years you grow up in a house where you kinda are trapped. At least for me I never felt independent for real because I always had to come home or follow my parents some where. The amazing thing about college is that once you get here you have all the freedom you could really ask for. You think at first this is amazing and then after trips home and vacations you realize how important your family is and how just hanging out with them means so much. I made sure to spend time with everyone when I went home for that reason and as I pulled away from my house on Tues morning I realized how much I wish I could just be asleep in my own bed and have donuts with my sister before she heads for school. I miss home so much in those moments, but that doesn't stop me from living my life here at college. When I get here I try not to think about it and there is so much living I have to do that I really don't have the time to focus on it. Yet, you can guarantee I call home twice a week and talk about everything under the sun. I feel like its only made my parents and I so much closer!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Been A Long Time...I'm Back!!!

So a lot has happened to me over the last few months. I have dealt with a lot of problems that I have basically been ignoring for some time now and I feel so much better about it. I also am newly single and trying to figure that all out (with that said know that me and my ex are best of friends). I am trying to build on me and make me better. I know what I need and who I need in my life and with that knowledge I can only move forward. I am currently trying to work harder in school and spend some free time at the gym. I love how working out makes me feel, regardless of what people may think of me I feel good when I work out and I feel better about myself so there :P  lol. I'm nervous about my classes this term seeing how they are harder then stuff I have taken before and I am taking classes that are more seriously apart of my major and my minors. I just get that overwhelming feeling that I need to do well in all my classes so as to keep my head above water as I get more invovled in my studies. This is especially true for my Education class this term, I want to teach and I know I can do it, but something about having to teach my class and having to be recorded makes it that much more intense and nerve recking. In brighter news I will hopefully have a job at a summer camp this summer getting more experience with children and learning new things to do with them. I am super excited for the weather to get warmer and sun to shine as much as possible. Here's hoping for a great new term!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

So here is my story...take it as you will

***Tell Me What You Think!!!

To Lose Everything and Still Remain Strong

By: Megan Lee

To Love is to be lost in a dream. To be lost in a place where everything is serene and they can’t see the pain and drama sprouting around them. I have felt the most amazing love and the most amazing pain in the entire world at such a young age, not by choice, but by destiny. To love is to lose control, to throw out reason and logic and accept the path one’s heart has decided to travel. The problem I have encountered with such love is that it is followed by such pain; pain that causes ever flowing tears until one can’t cry any more because they are all dried up. My first love has put me through such emotions, but yet I know in the end I have no regrets, for without going through all the ups and downs I would have never found out how strong I really am.

I look back and see all the good times, all the moments that I could never forget, even if I tried. I recall the first kiss and how I could have lit up a room with all the joy and bashfulness that flowed through me. I remember the phone calls that would last forever and end with, “I love you.” The little things like walking me home, holding me tight, and kissing me goodnight are the things that I will walk away with but still hold close to my heart. After having nine months of such joy and rapture, to be caught up in love and to have it all taken away made it hard for me to understand and accept. No matter how hard a breakup is said to be, no one can understand unless they themselves have gone through it. I personally didn’t see it coming, for the relationship was going so well and there didn’t seem to be a problem in sight.

I remember the day vividly, the day when he broke my heart. I came to school with a smile on my face and love in my heart, love for one boy. He met me at my locker as usual and we talked about some funny things that happened to us. His smile was so big and white I couldn’t help but smile too. He hugged me and we went to class. I never thought from the morning that we had that my own personal heaven was going to end. I continued through the day like any other, I went from class to class, stopping at his locker every once in a while up until lunch. At lunch I sat next to him like I did everyday and joked around with him, the stupid kind of jokes that only we would find humor in. I couldn’t tell what was coming, for he acted just like he did every other day we were together. He was very laid back, caring, but still a boy in that he made jokes and played around. These traits made me fall in love with him to begin with and to think I was so blinded by love that I couldn’t see what was in store for me. Nonetheless, after lunch we talked by the lockers and he gave me a kiss before we proceeded to enrichment. Every time he kissed me I couldn’t help but light up, glow from the inside out as it were. He could always put a smile on my face and make me feel gorgeous even if I looked terrible. I remember smiling as I went to class, so naive to the thought that he still loved me; that he still cared.

The day went on as usual with no definite sign of the pain that would befall upon me, not that I was looking for one. When the end of the day finally came he pulled me away to the side, at the bottom of the stair when no one else was around. I figured he was going to sneak a kiss before going home, but how wrong I came to be. He looked in my eyes and I couldn’t look away. His big, beautiful brown eyes sucked me in and I knew nothing good would come from what ever he had to say to me. He said the words that left me dumbfounded, “I think that we should breakup.” In one instance these words shattered my heart and brought me to tears. I couldn’t understand how one moment everything could be fine and the next everything that we had was destroyed. The tears ran down my face as fast as my eyes could make new ones. I was at a loss for words, but my thoughts overwhelmed me. I couldn’t grasp what reasons he may have for such a drastic decision. Through my tears, I begged him for an answer. The reasons he gave didn’t make sense; they seemed so trivial, but yet who am I to argue? The pain and anger overwhelmed me and out of spite I gave him his ring back - the ring he gave me on our six-month anniversary, which in a way was a promise ring. He promised me he would never drop me; never let me go. Well he broke his promise and ended up dropping me quite hard. I figured if I gave him the ring back he would realize what a mistake he made and change his mind. Instead he just walked away and didn’t look back. The next day I saw no emotion in his face as if I mattered very little to him, as if my presence wasn’t missed.

My tears trailed on for a couple of weeks, but then I was all cried out. I had no more tears to cry for him or for me. After the tears were gone all I had was myself. I had to do what I feared; I had to stand-alone and look at myself. I hate being alone and having to look inside myself because I am my own worse critic. Without him there giving me complements I felt ugly and unimportant. It took sometime, but eventually I could face myself and see my inner beauty. I realized that to have a boyfriend is a great thing, but no boy defines me. More importantly, I am an independent, strong woman who can stand tall with respect for myself. I don’t regret my time with him in the least because he was a great guy and he treated me like a princess. I will never forget the good times we shared and thinking about them now brings a smile to my face. The heartache I went through was only an obstacle that I had to overcome in order to grow as a stronger person. With out heartache one does not know what true love is, the love of one’s self.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Back in Action

Back to school and back to work. I have been at school for two days and I already have so much to do. I have been to all my classes and even started back working. My schedule is really crazy and I am pretty much gonna be filled with work considering I am taking reading and writing intensive classes. I like them all though which helps, but it doesn't take the pressure off. Working early mornings is not bad...just the getting up part. I made it through with hot chocolate in hand. I am hopefully gonna make it through my classes and get all the work done...even if it kills me. I actually am happy to report that I will have an internship soon at the preschool in town....I am sooooooooo excited. Another reason to wake up at 8am YAY!!! LOL I am excited though...I will just be more excited when the weekend comes so I can waste the day reading my school books and enjoying a comfy bed. So until then I have things to do, homework to finish, books to read, and exercises to do...oh how the time flies when you are having fun. Well here's hoping I make it to the weekend!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Year!!!

Brand new year and a brand new start. A chance for me to get things right with myself and with others. I plan on doing what I have been doing with work, school, and my activities while trying to make myself better. I want to be happy with how I look and keep my energy level up. So here comes the hard part for me...I have to eat better and workout this term. I know I can do it, but its just that I have to keep my motivation up with all the other things going on. My life is such a balancing act and no matter what I do something is gonna fall, but I just have to make sure to pick it up again. I know that prior I dropped some of my friends, meaning I didn't spend a lot of time with them. My hope is that I some how manage to hang out with everyone and still work, volunteer, and get school work done. I think I can do it as long as I stay organized and energized. On a sadder note I leave for school tomorrow. I am excited to get back, but I know I am gonna miss my family and my friends. I just started to get relax at home and having fun and now I have to go back. Well I will be back in March for a week which will be fun I'm sure. Until then studying, reading, and working seem to be a large part of my life. Here's hoping that this new year brings happiness and amazing new changes!