Monday, May 14, 2012

Given the World

On this wonderful Mother's Day I thought of a million different things. One is how much I would love to be home, but I gave up that chance to do something for my family. I made the sacrifice of not being home to be the first person in my immediate family to graduate from a 4 year college and go into a career of my choosing. So because of this I don't get to go home that much and I work my butt off everyday to be someone my parents can be proud of. They worked so much and gave up so much for my sister and I that I can't help but respect them and want to be like them. My mother and father worked so hard and took shifts raising us. My dad made the sacrifice of giving up his world, his home, and his job for love and for us. He is a blue collar worker who worked nights to be home with me and my sister during the day. My dad was there for my sister and I all day taking care of us and running us to school, practices and home again. My mom worked mornings and afternoon at a good job to make money for our family. She pushed us to succeed and got us involved in things like dance and softball. The way my mother handled things and her example is what I took the most from her. She is fully determined and always had such pride in herself. Her nature and belief has been passed down to me, especially the mentality of if you think I can't do something watch me prove you wrong. I am a child born to two parents who wanted to give me the world and in some way they have. They have given me roots and now I have little wings. I have parents who inspire and create the woman that I am today and I love them so much for all they have given me. With out them the person that I am today wouldn't be as
Love You!!!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

A Wise Guy Said...

A wise guy once told me something...he said he couldn't dance but he could...that's another story though.
This wise guy said something that made me actually believed that he cared about me, but also allowed me the challenge of thinking through something I have been doing for way to long. He said, "just don't see why not having a lot of options should allow someone to treat you bad."

I legit stopped and read that line over and over again before responding. I don't think I have ever heard or read a line so powerful, though I can't really explain why. To me it was a question that I never thought about and never tried to answer before. I have told people time and again that I "pick them good" so to speak, but I never tried to figure out more. I basically looked at the situation as I just don't bring much to the table and people don't necessarily want what is out there so options are slim to none. I end up with the few who don't care, especially those who don't care about sh*t. This one message though rang loud and clear: It's not ok!

I have power to just let people go and throw them back in to the big ocean. In my mind for way to long it has been ok with accepting sh*t, but it has become way more clear as to why this is. I want to be " a girl/ woman". I want a person to make me feel special and hold me, heck even the worst guys I've met could do that. I guess I fall for people who show interest because it gets tiring carrying the world on your shoulders and never letting down your guard. Many people know I have been through hell and back and I am still here. I go day to day with a smile on my face and being strong/ tough in order to protect myself and take care of everyone else...sometimes I just want to let go and have someone take care of me. I don't necessarily mean pamper me with massages and things, but it feels good to have someone make sure you get home safe at night, hold you when your freezing, or tell you everything will be ok when your upset. I don't want to be seen as weak so instead of being comforted and relaxing I stand firm and keep walking. Think of it this way: Picture in your mind someone carrying baggage, a couple heavy duffles and two heavy rolling bags. If there face looks painful you more likely to stop and help....but if they are smiling even though they are walking super slow you might walk by thinking they can handle it. Well, sometimes I can't handle it....but you didn't hear that from me.

So yes I make poor choices for no good reason, but at least I can answer that question now.

This post is dedicated to a wise guy who made me think and truly I owe much thanks to over the past term.

*Extra!!! (Bringing back an old poem I seemed to fit)

I Pick Them Good
I think back on all my heartache,
I wonder what went wrong.
Feeling like a tired verse,
In an outdated song.
I think about their faces,
And how they swept me off my feet.
Yet they all ended up dropping me,
Really hard on cold concrete.
My life has been like a broken record,
Spinning round and round.
I try to pick the guys who are different,
Yet I always feel so bound.
Bound by the laws of attraction I guess,
These feelings deep inside.
These guys seem so perfect,
Yet they have so much that they hide.
They have great personalities,
They know just what to say.
But yet what they have put me through,
Would make any girl run away.
There seems to be a pattern,
Though I would hate to admit.
The guys I end up falling for,
Hurt me bit by bit.
It hurts so much,
Cuz I love them so.
But yet they don't feel the same,
Because they let me go.
I guess I should've seen it coming,
Like any girl would.
But what can I say,
I pick them good.

1 Month Later

Taking in the sights and sounds of life. One month or so since my last post and a lot has gone on. My life has gone up and down, but I think I've grown from it all. I some how made it through teaching the whole morning of 1st grade for some odd weeks now. I have managed to not kill anyone and make an amazing dance with my partner in crime Mac. Flunk Day (day of debauchery and no classes) finally happened and I got to cross off some serious mini goals. The weather has gone up and down and so has my mood. I guess its the stress of getting ALL THE THINGS done and still surviving this term. It seems easier said then done by far, but I will pull through. I know the other thing I have to stress about is waiting for me with open arms at home. Nothing says summer like family issues and cleaning :)

In other news I think I'm just going to let my mind go and type some nonsense...
I guess I have been thinking too much again, but at the same time I feel like I have gotten into a mess of sorts. I have managed to open so many doors and follow so many paths that I am getting dizzy. I can't commit to just one because I guess I am scared...that is except for one path. I been crawling on this path for what feels like forever, but I can't turn back. It is like I see the light more and more. I know it just as well could be an illusion, but I just want it to be real so bad. So I guess this is were questions come into play: If you have been waiting for something so long should you continue to wait? Am I crazy for wanting to, for caring so much about something that may never be?

I probably am, but its hard especially if what you are waiting on is a person. In someways a person is worse then anything else because they are never truly yours and they are so complicated. For example, if I look at myself I get so confused with people and life, but still have moments of clarity. I know if someone hurts you that they should be gone, especially those who use you, but I guess sometimes things hold me back from letting go. At times its my warped idea of love and maybe not truly loving someone, but caring about a part of them or who you think you see. (More To Come!!!!)