New Year Begins 2012

So what is your New Years Resolution?
I use to not make them, but hey I think its good to make goals now...even if they don't always turn out as planned.
My Resolutions: My main one is to exercise more. I realize this year that it is something that I enjoy and keeps me zen. I also am going to to just "do". This might not make a whole lot of sense, but to me it does. I want to just do more, say yes more, be adventurous. I did that more this summer and I want to keep it up if I can. You never know...might make some road trips this summer. I guess the last thing goes without saying if you know me, but as good as I have been over break I want to be even better. I need to get myself figured out, find some peace, and find some solid friends. I don't know if I can break some ties, but depending how things go I might have no other choice.
My hope for this new year is a lot less headaches and a lot more fun for everyone. Life can get you down believe me and it can drive you crazy, but you have to know that things can always get better and life takes time. I'm slowly learning this. For all my friends know that no matter what happens and no matter where you are I'm here for you. If you want to have fun hit me up, but if you ever need to talk about anything I am here too. Enjoy tonight and Here's Hoping we have an Amazing New Year!!!

Picking up and Heading Back

So I realize break once again kinda flew by and I'm not ready to leave. I have a lot of unfinished business to deal with at school that I am not looking forward to, nor do I really want to. Yet I can't stop the clock and so the packing begins. Nothing makes me feel more like a girl then packing. I always try to cut down on what I bring, but its always a lot. I know I am definitely bringing more back to school then I brought home. I can't really help it. I mean I got some things that are important like winter boots, an electric blanket....I mean I can't leave home without my new waffle maker! LOL Ok yea the waffle maker isn't needed but its sooooooooo kewl! My backpack is even heavy with my new books for the term. I look around at the things I pack and its hard to cut corners...I mean the whisky has to come with! :P
Regardless I have to finish packing and then pack the car for my 3 hour road trip to the great college in the middle of no where. Can't really complain I mean I get to blast my ipod and jam out driving for three hours, that's my meditation. As much as I love hanging out with people I guess I find real solace in being alone sometimes. Just me and the road, I can't screw anything up and I am too busy singing to think deeply lol. Its kinda funny thinking about it now cuz it is kinda like my life. I go from one group of people to another with a bunch of lonely moments in between. Those moments seem to last forever sometimes and I try to avoid them, but I feel like that's just where I am meant to be. I have to stop basically "begging" people to hang out because I want to have fun and let it go. If people really want to be there, really want to hang out then they will just have to find me. No telling if I can actually stick to this, but hey it sounds good...lol. So here's to packing and my last two days!

Mirror, Mirror...

I look in the mirror and I realize I don't know who I'm and it frightens me. I have tried to be perfect all my life and that is no way to live. I know my flaws by far and in high school and especially coming to college I realized that I am far from perfect. I am instead a girl trying to do the best she can under a massive mix of circumstances. I guess it worries me because I have come to a point where I question who I am and where I am going amongst so many people who are so sure of themselves. What made me go down this path I am on? All I can think of is my fear of disappointment, doing what is expected, and my goal of helping people. All the "what ifs" pop in my head and I wonder if I made a mistake some where. I am not sure if its just the fear that comes along with making a solid commitment or just the nerves of my education coming to a close in a year. The sad part is that I know that there is not one person out there who can give me the right answer. Not even my mirror...lol

Then there comes the more important dilemma...who am I?
I guess no person can really answer this question fully or completely get at 21...but I guess I'm desperate for some answers. Here's what I got...let me know if you disagree or have something to add!
I am a daughter, sister, granddaughter, and friend. I am a woman, though I call myself a girl...its habit lol. I'm a hard worker, dancer, artist, and lover. I am a girl that has so much trouble looking in the mirror and liking what I see. I have a long history that I try to not let affect me, but I realize it affects my life everyday. I'm a survivor and a fighter that has moments of pure exhaustion. Please understand I say all this to admit my imperfection to those of you who read and also to myself. I am far from the perfect daughter I appear to portray, but I do the best I can. I don't like what I see in the mirror so its time for me to change it. If can overcome my faults, my history to become better then I will, I have no choice if I want to move forward. Here's Hoping after a lot of work things will get better!

Hi my name is Megan and I'm an addict.

Ok calm down people I was just talking about my shoes!!!!!
Look I like shopping like most girls and for some reason shoes are my downfall. I know I have way too many, but I paid for most out of my own money, most were on sale, and I wear them all I swear. I just find it funny that there are so many of us shoe addicts out there. Also, may I say I went to high school with some of you boys and y'all got the same problem getting all types of ones. My point is that its definitely not just girls buying up all the shoes...lol.
People have funny little "obsessions" so to speak that can be as obvious as shoes or shopping to crazy stuff. I like to figure out how people tick and I realize I analyze people a lot...but what can I say its fun lol. What I see a lot is that people have little things like working out ALL the time, being super excited about a video game, being a sports fan, or even just being in love with a band/ artist. Everyone has something that they really love or like that gets them happy.

So I ask you to think about what makes you tick and what you really enjoy, feel free to share it with me. But I also ask you to think about this: do you have a bad obsession? Is there something in your life that doesn't make you happy, but you can't go with out or avoid getting rid of...consider letting it go, I know I am :)
Here's Hoping!

Pride

We all have pride...some of us show it more then others, I'm talking to you Capricorns lol. Heck everyone falls victim to it at some point. I have encountered pride on two main levels one being "ego". Not surprisingly, as much as I love you, the boys I find in and around my life either portray large egos or actually have them. Its funny sometimes and I tend to poke fun at them almost instigating them to maintain their ego, my real reason behind it though is to keep them grounded. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy ego, having good self esteem is what everyone should have or at least strive for. Yet, people need to understand limits, know that they are not invincible, and be grounded enough to recognize what/ who is around them. Pride can be a person's down fall in a number of ways, but I think the main one is missing out on something. This leads to the other level of pride, pride in terms of putting yourself on a pedestal of some sort there by making you impossible to reach. No matter how amazing a person is if they have too strong of pride there is no way "reason" can get to them, not to mention they miss out. Pride can tear you from a grounded sense of reality and keep you from a so much more.

I didn't mean for the first part to sound like a service announcement against pride. The whole reason I bring it up to begin with because in a weird way I think I am attracted to it. I tend to find myself, at least looking at my past, falling for guys who have intense pride in themselves and what they do. I find it weird because I am not by any means extremely prideful. So I wonder, knowing a little bit about myself, if the fact that I am self conscious ties into this little phenomenon. Its silly I know, but there is something about a guy and their ego that draws me in. Maybe its the fun of it all with my jokes and pokes at who they think they are, but it could also be that I see it as a challenge. I see something in this strong, ridiculous jerk, possibly that he isn't so bad if he climbs down from the pedestal.

No one is perfect and I am far from it. I'm also not saying that pride is an evil thing nor that it is some crazy thing guys do that make girls go crazy. I guess I am writing this not only to get my thoughts out about pride and why it interests me, but also because I kind of want to ground some people. If you have prideful moments or are one of those strong ego people I just want to say: There are amazing people in your life who you will never notice if you don't come down to earth once in a while.

Fighting a Loosing Fight

Ok so I realize I'm crazy and weird...always my attempt is in a fun, laughter creating way. Yet, the past couple days all I can think about is what people have said to me. People that I am friends with saying things like: "you got to be good to yourself", "you get worked up to much", "you still have somethings to workout about yourself". I get that I'm a mess in some ways, but I don't want to let that get in the way of any friendships or relationships in my life. Regardless of whether you see me as strong or not I know I am after all I have been through and deal with. I say this with pride because I actually believe it now. I am strong woman always fighting some battle coming close, but never close enough. It gets so frustrating striving to be all I can be, fighting for someone or something (an idea, person, moment, my place) yet I'm never any closer. I wear my heart on my sleeve and regardless of my issues with trust I keep hoping things change, or that they are different this time. It hasn't got much better...I wonder if I am fighting for the wrong people? How do I know who to fight for?

I wish I could answer those questions, but I can't. I keep having faith in people who hurt me because I know how beautiful their soul truly is and I don't want to let go of that person. I've put so much of myself out there to walk away seems like failure. Not to mention everyone thinks I'm completely messed up and they don't want to deal with that. I was up late last night questioning if I will ever get what I have been fighting for or if it will always be out of reach. Being hurt, messed up me is hurting my chances of ever being "good enough" and I don't know how to fix it. I want peace and happiness, but everyone who looks at me seems to see a broken doll weak and fragile or a mess they don't want to help clean up. I'm at odds as always trying to hold my head high and be what I can for myself and others. Yet, it never seems good enough. I don't know what enough is, but I can promise you I have given it all. Here's Hoping Someone Realizes This!!!

The Squirrels

FYI This is a fun post!!!

I LOVE squirrels...lol. Ok don't take it the wrong way I am not like crazy about them, but I guess that's my animal bond so to speak. As my dad would say, "If Meg was an animal she would be a squirrel cuz she is a little nuts, not to mention do you see how crazy she is about peanut butter?" Ok yes I think they are awesome...you can't really deny it from that photo either. Regardless, I grew up around them, they were the first animal me and my dad would sit and watch outside. They are so funny and seeing them at school everyday cracks me up because they are not really scared of people. I literally had an awkward moment on the sidewalk with one where we were trying to pass each other. Squirrels are full of personality and I can't help but adore them. So a take a moment to watch the squirrels and laugh, trust me its worth it. :)
P.S. There is a squirrel mafia so watch out!!!

Moving Forward

I admit I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I just know that I have a good heart and personality. With that being said I have had to deal with a lot this past term. In return I have had the good sense to think some things out and relax this winter break. So far I have come to some conclusions. One being that there are definitely a number of people in my life who don't really need to be there. I say this because after examining some things I feel like those people pretend to be close, but if they were really they would value the friendship a little more then they do. I also guess I have a terrible sense of bad luck because I can't seem to find true happiness for very long...I always find a way to screw it up. Lastly, I think the most amazing thing that I have found out about myself is that I am stronger then I appear. Yes, this past term I fell deep on weakness, but it took quite some time for me to break my strength. If I was truly weak I would've fallen a long time ago, but I remained strong. I admit I have done a lot of things I am not proud of, but at the time they seemed like the best ideas. Many of my decisions have been made out of love or pain, not the best idea acting on emotion yet it seemed to give my decisions more creditability. I've long been known as a romantic or sorts, I follow my heart more then my head. It has gotten me into trouble a time or two, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My heart's desire, my hearts choice is what allows my conscious to be clear at night and for me to have little regret.

Now its time for me to make some hard choices in how I am going to deal with things. For one I have to find peace in some way. This can be found a number a ways and for me the main two are going to be talking to people and being my artsy self. Call it Art Therapy, but I am back to writing and drawing again. In the moments I am working on a piece I am focused, thinking only of my work and away from the crazy pain I struggle with sometimes. It calms me and in the end I have something I am proud of. I need to separate myself from the people I can't trust and surround myself with those I can. Life isn't easy, but I find time is best spent around those who matter.

*Note for those who matter: I often look to you for help and talk you ear off sometimes, but you know I am there for you the same way if you need me. I regret sometimes if I bug you, but I promise its out of love. I want you to understand that I truly appreciate you and all that you do. You lift my spirit and pull me out of my house. You make me recognize what I lack to see in myself. Thank you for being there, thank you for your honesty, thank you for your trust, It means the world to me.

In closing there is a shift being made in me, a new stronger me is rising so watch out. I'm not running, I'm gonna stand and fight. I am worth it and if you don't think so there is the door. I'm putting this to rest in this post, I am moving forward with those I trust into the future I create.