Thursday, December 8, 2011

Fighting a Loosing Fight

Ok so I realize I'm crazy and weird...always my attempt is in a fun, laughter creating way. Yet, the past couple days all I can think about is what people have said to me. People that I am friends with saying things like: "you got to be good to yourself", "you get worked up to much", "you still have somethings to workout about yourself". I get that I'm a mess in some ways, but I don't want to let that get in the way of any friendships or relationships in my life. Regardless of whether you see me as strong or not I know I am after all I have been through and deal with. I say this with pride because I actually believe it now. I am strong woman always fighting some battle coming close, but never close enough. It gets so frustrating striving to be all I can be, fighting for someone or something (an idea, person, moment, my place) yet I'm never any closer. I wear my heart on my sleeve and regardless of my issues with trust I keep hoping things change, or that they are different this time. It hasn't got much better...I wonder if I am fighting for the wrong people? How do I know who to fight for?

I wish I could answer those questions, but I can't. I keep having faith in people who hurt me because I know how beautiful their soul truly is and I don't want to let go of that person. I've put so much of myself out there to walk away seems like failure. Not to mention everyone thinks I'm completely messed up and they don't want to deal with that. I was up late last night questioning if I will ever get what I have been fighting for or if it will always be out of reach. Being hurt, messed up me is hurting my chances of ever being "good enough" and I don't know how to fix it. I want peace and happiness, but everyone who looks at me seems to see a broken doll weak and fragile or a mess they don't want to help clean up. I'm at odds as always trying to hold my head high and be what I can for myself and others. Yet, it never seems good enough. I don't know what enough is, but I can promise you I have given it all. Here's Hoping Someone Realizes This!!!

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