A Wise Guy Said...(Part 2)

A Wise guy once said that...well he said a lot of things and I can't possibly share them all. Mind you this wise guy occasionally has some less wise moments so he could really be called the occasional wise guy, but that just doesn't have the same ring to it...but I have sidetracked myself.

This wise guy said something that has made me think, "You have to make time."

Hmmm, make time you say....make time for what? "Anything, if you want it bad enough you will make time."

I see and this works for you? "I'm working on it." lol

Ok but seriously he has a point. If you want something bad enough you have to make time, no excuses. If you want to loose weight or work out you have to make time to do it. If you want to learn or do something new you have to make time. Heck if you want someone to be your friend you have to make time for them in your life. Life is really about time and how we spend it. We can be glued to a tv of a computer screen or we can get out and do things. We can do things for others or solely for ourselves. Think for a minute about your day and how you choose to waste it or use it, if you use more then you waste then I would say your doing good. But what does waste really mean? Heck I might waste time watching tv instead of being productive or making time for something more important, but other times watching tv is not a waste but instead a moment to unwind and breath. Waste and use are just terms that can change depending on the situation. Regardless, we all have to learn that time is precious and we need to make time. Sometime that means slow down and breath, give back to others, or do something for ourselves. In my case I need to make time for myself, in my friends case he needs to make time for others. It just depends.

I just thought I would share this with you before the new year. You might want to start realizing what you need to make time for in your life and start the new year on the right foot.

I Open at the Close

That Awkward Moment when you realize that as ready as you are to start the new year your scared of the future.

I mean you can't blame a girl right? This is a start of a new year in a couple days. People gather among family and friends, watch a ball drop, drink, kiss, or just make some noise to ring in a new year at midnight. In that moment everything is suppose to change, your world starts over, your ledger is wiped clean in an instant and its your choice to decide what you will do in the coming year. Will you change for the better? Will you take a new path? Accomplish a new goal? Or will you just push on with the same old song? So many choices and decisions...funny how on New Years we see them all.

Ahead of me I see goals and dreams I want to set into motion like working out more and loosing more weight, choreographing a piece or two, take an art class , and just enjoy the last year I have here among my friends the best way I know how. But even though I see the beginning of something great, my last who rah with everyone, there is a lingering sense of fear, maybe more so nerves. I'm nervous about the close of this chapter and the start of a new. I have a realm of the unknown waiting for me after graduation which is both exciting and nerve recking. I am free to choose my own path and my own future, figuring out where I might end up and who might be with me. Yet, there is trepidation in the fact that I don't know if I will choose the right path, find the right home, and find my way in a place I have never found myself before. There is comfort in knowing most of my friends are on the same path, but we are all on our own in the end. I have confidence in that I have done well, so I can do well, I can be a good teacher, but will someone else see that I am not sure. I know that I want to be fearless this year and just be as gutsy as I can be, fight for my independence and break away if I can. I want to go places and meet people, heck this girl might even fall in love...but no matter what happens I just want to live. I always try to live life with no regrets. That means fighting for what I believe in, who I believe in, doing things that are new, different, fun, following my heart, and just being me. I will stumble and fall and make a fool of myself, but I won't regret it. No matter the consequences, good or bad, I will have learned and lived something that I hadn't before. Here's Hoping you Live this year too!

Season of Giving

 



So Christmas is the time of year for giving and I'm feeling the giving part, but very little else. Maybe its because I am avoiding the belief that break will be coming to a close or that very soon I'm going to be super busy decorating a tree and baking like crazy. Regardless the Christmas season has not fully taken hold of me. I'm just relaxed and at peace. I got all my Christmas shopping done which is huge, but I will find out tomorrow if we still have things to buy for the rest of the family. I have to say the gifts I have gotten together are pretty great. I can't wait to watch the owners open them, I can't really explain the feeling it gives me to surprise someone and make them happy. I honestly sit back and just like watching people unwrap their gifts before I open my own. My gifts are great this year because I basically picked them all out. I picked out some epic clothes, great books, and have even got to play
Just Dance 4. I can't wait to get the crown jewel though: iphone5...soon lol.

Just as soon I have to start the baking line with my dad and make all the amazing cookies and candies. A list probably including: Chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies, snicker doodle cookies, oatmeal butterscotch cookies, peanut butter balls, toffee, fudge, cake balls, and maybe even pie. Yes I know we are crazy, but we do it every year and its become a tradition. Traditions like my sister and I exchanging one gift on Christmas Eve and us bringing down the tree with the million ordiments we own. Speaking of ornaments, that the other tradition in which my sister and I get a new ornament every year...this year mine is a squirrel. Its very me if I say so myself. This house can be suffocating and also rejuvenating during the holiday season. It can bring out the good and the bad, but family is like that. I like having a home I can go to, but I also like having my own space...so my hope for this new year is to find a place of my own outside of my home, for my sanity I need it.  Here's hoping Santa can bring this Christmas Miracle to pass.

Smiling

Hmmm so this holiday weekend has been one of the best I have experienced in a while. I got to eat plenty with family and feel more than comfortable in my own skin. Nothing like it if you ask me and a long time coming. Heck I even got my uncle, health nut himself, asking how I lost the weight. He was so sweet telling my mom I looked so good which only made me happier. Then I got the great job of waking up early and going Black Friday shopping with the family. I mean a girl needs new clothes after loosing weight and feeling good right? I would say great food and awesome Christmas shopping would make any weekend great but I got a little more than that.

For one I got one of my closest friends back. Its weird to think that I lost her, but hey life works like that and we forgive and forget. I had the best time texting her and talking about all the awesomeness that is our lives...lol, realistically its all the craziness and boredom. She is truly an amazing person and I am so happy she is back around, not saying it hasn't been weird, but I couldn't think of a year at school without her...that's my boo lol. The Dynamic Duo is back and I doubt anyone is ready for that!!!

Second, I have the best roommates in the world!!! They have been nothing but awesome and its hard to think one of them won't be returning in January. Its not goodbye though cuz she will return!!!  Regardless this break is nothing but awesome with their crazy text messages and kewl tumblr posts. They are AWESOME!!! lol (I guess I am making a love letter to all these people at this point but my intention I swear is to tell what has been what lately.) These two have kept me smiling with random messages, supportive words, and my favorite is the flashbacks to crazy apartment times from this past term. Its funny how close we have all gotten, funny to me because I have only known them for a 1.5 years, but that being said I wouldn't change it for the world. When you click with people it just works and we all just work in an awesome way. As different as we are we all kinda balance each other and I know these will be my girls forever!

Lastly, speaking of clicking I guess I have to bring to light the fact that everything seems to be clicking into place for me. Its weird and I don't want to speak to soon (knock on wood) but I am happier then I have ever been. I am happy in terms of feeling comfortable with myself and who I have become. I think it shows in my smile and my choices. I am smiling for me, for the person I am becoming, for the things I have accomplished and will accomplish, for the amazing friends I have, for the way someone makes me feel...lol. Mind you I am not saying things are perfect, but I am just perfectly happy with the imperfections. Life is what you make it and I'm living mine and taking chances...even falling into things I never thought possible. Here's Hoping you stay smiling too!

Fresh View and Parting Potatoes



Ok so its been quite a while since my last post so I guess I need to recap people on my life. I student taught for an amazing 10 weeks or so. I couldn't have more amazing students and my co-operating teacher was more than I could ask for. I really have grown as a teacher and feel confident in myself now which is a huge improvement from where I was. I have interest in staying in the area to teach, but we will see where life takes me. I have no idea about my future or where I am going to find a home. I am basically just a growing tree that has so many branches...but I want to find some roots too. I guess I am finding bits and pieces of myself and what I deserve. Its funny how things just started going really well when I take on the biggest adult challenge of my life, but I guess life works in funny ways. I meet amazing people and find like a pure happiness that I haven't really had before. Yet, I have to watch each step I make, I can't just fall because as my mother warns me the bottom falls when you least expect it. If you fall into bliss its likely things are too good to be true and the bottom won't be there to catch you. You have to stay grounded no matter how you feel inside...even if I want to jump and scream with pure happiness lol. To be honest this journey has been a rough one, but I am so glad I went on it and the amazing people I have met on the way have made it worth it.

Some of those amazing people are leaving to follow their own paths though which brings me to my goodbye letter to the amazing friends who have graduated and moved on. It hurts me to say goodbye not because this is the end of our friendship, but because I don't know how long it will be before I see your smiling face again. Too be honest any length of time beyond a day is weird to think about and way to long for me. I know you are off to do amazing things and be awesome as always, but its hard for me to know my family is leaving. Each of you have played an amazing, important role in my Knox family even if you don't realize it. I couldn't have had as much fun with out you or grown as much with out you. Each of you pushed me and helped me find me, but you also showed me so much love on so many occasions that I could fill a book. Before you leave this place know that regardless of the papers, classes and hours of partying done here that you made a difference and are part of something larger than you know. I will always be here for you and I hope regardless the reason that I can still call you and bug you for hours...even if it's on a potato phone. Much Love and Keep Smiling!! Here's Hoping You Find What You Need!

New Beginnings

So I made it back to Knox and I moved in only to run straight to the school I am teaching at this term ASAP for a meeting with a parent. I basically spent the whole day moving and got up to do the same. I'm not complaining because I chose this career, but it just makes this all too real too fast. I have always been a person who grew up too fast and wanted to be older...in some cases I had to be the adult and take care of things that I shouldn't have. In this situation though I know this is my last year of school and the closing of one door and the opening of another. Its scary to start something new and go out into the "real" world. Its hard for me to wrap my head around it right now so I am just trying to live in the moment and try not to look too far ahead. Student teaching makes it hard though because it makes it all to real the path I have chosen and the fact that I am going on my last easy year. Life is going to get hard fast and I have a lot of responsibility falling on me if I am ready or not. I guess it worries me that I'm not ready or that things might not go well when I'm the stand alone teacher, but I guess I will just have to find out. There is no turning back and regardless of the fear I don't think I would want to. I have followed the path to become a teacher the last 3 years, but it wasn't until last term I could say with certain that this is what I wanted to do...more importantly that this is what I want to be. This term is going to test me and be different then anything I have ever faced, but I'm going to face it with grace. I know I'll be stressed and freaked out....ehhh whats the worst that could happen right? lol
Here's hoping it all goes well!

Love is Love

When I found this picture I fell in love with it because this is how I feel completely. If you fall in love then it shouldn't matter who its with. I guess I connect to this in a number of different ways, but one thing that I have been thinking about lately is the acceptance of certain relationships. Life is too short to judge people and the choices they make, if its not your life and the choices you would make then I'm sorry, but it is what it is...move on. The only person you can control is yourself and you should just learn to accept everyone else.

I guess what gets me and isn't on this picture, but seems affect me the most is the problems people have with interracial relationships. I have been apart and have no problem with interracial relationships, but other people can have serious problems with it. It may not be the main topic of discussion today and some people may think this country is past that type of racism well...to put it gently that's BS. There is still this fear and separation that occurs and its gonna take open minded people to change that. To be honest its kinda sad to think that you would waste time out of your day to be angry about things you can't control, about two people who are happy, living their lives and not bothering you in the least.

I have loved men who were strong, caring, funny, passionate, driven, and just amazing people, I loved them for who they are and what they did. They treated people with respect and worked their ass off to do what they could for themselves and their families. I ain't gonna lie, I admire these men and my love for them runs deep to this day. It just astonishes me to know that no matter how much love two people can have for each other and no matter how amazing a person is people will judge. See the reason that they judge me at least is that I am white and the men that I speak of...well they aren't, they are mostly black.

I didn't seek it out, like I said I fell for the people that they were, it was actually surprising to me how people responded. There were some people who couldn't get past the outside color of he and I for whatever reason. I have had to face many two faced people because of my heart. People including family members on both sides that will look at your face and smile, but want nothing more then the relationship to end. There will always be those who stare, make faces of disgust, or do double takes to which I don't even pay attention to anymore.  You have to have a thick skin and a strong, fighting heart to be in an interracial relationship. Just like any other it takes work its just that sometimes it takes a little bit more work then most. With that being said not everyone will put up a fight about relationships because I know a whole generation is more open minded then the last. Personally my friends have always been supportive.

I never regret following my heart even if it has gotten broken and I will continue to follow it no matter where it leads. Love is Love no matter who it is with. Even if you feel challenged know that if this person makes you happier then you ever been then its worth the fight. Following your heart takes courage, following your heart down a different path takes guts. Not everyone is strong enough to put it all out there and follow their heart where ever it leads so take pride in that. I just thought I would share my story and speak my mind on this.

So here's hoping you keep following your heart no matter where it leads!

Lack of Open Mind

What do I treasure the most, I guess in people that would be an open mind. I was raised under the golden rule: "Do onto others as you would want them to do onto you." I guess I always took that to heart and never pushed my thoughts onto other people. I always listened with an open heart and mind, I would like to think I still do. There is a definite part of me that doesn't judge and tries to be open, but the truth is after attending college judging occasionally occurs lol. I guess I can't get past certain things or at least I realize I would never do them. As far as I have found this generation is more open minded then the past and that can never be a bad thing. I try and surround myself with open minded people, but sometimes you can't avoid the differences or those who can't open their mind. This truly is made even harder when the people you are suppose to be closest to, well disagree.

I was told disagreement makes your brain work, makes you think about what you may have never considered. This to be honest is true, but in some cases...well its just best to accept each others opinions as they are and move on, there will be no changing them. Everyone has that road block conversation at least once where neither side is making any progress...I ran into one last night. It is truly the most frustrating thing. You may ask yourself what could have possibly have been discussed that could frustrate a calm, innocent thing like me...ok maybe I'm not calm and innocent but I'm passionate darn it! lol Well truth is it doesn't take much, at least not with certain people who may not be as open minded, for me to get frustrated.

I've lived for 21 years now and I have had my ears open listening to people and making up my own mind about things. I have a drive to just be me and do what makes me happy. I have been blessed with a backing of values and morals to guide me in my life. It just gets frustrating to have those who gave me these values and morals disagree with my choices. Regardless I will keep fighting for my open minded life even if its tiring and frustrating sometimes. If I find happiness then why should I give it up and be miserable because of other peoples perceptions of how my life should go? Its just sad to know the people I want to make proud can't accept something that makes me happy, like someone I love. Inhale....exhale...

I'm strong, but like most people I have weak moments. There are points where words get to me and the feeling of failure and disappointment run me ragged, but I still get up. I fight in my own way because I feel that what I am fighting for is worth it. Here's Hoping You Stay Open Minded and Never Stop Fighting!

What You Can Learn From The Movies...

There are so many things that the movies teach us...like don't go around the dark scary corner, happy people don't kill people, cars can be aliens, vampires sparkle (Abe Lincoln could spot them easier), be careful what you wish for...like a talking teddy bear or Channing Tatum shirtless. The funny thing is that you can find the funniest and truest lessons in the strangest places. So this is where this movie I watched comes in...it was rated only one star, can't see why....regardless its this movie called She's Out of My League. I basically watched it because it has been playing constantly on E! for the past couple weeks. Its just a silly movie that puts a girl considered a 10 with a guy who considers himself a hard 5 when it comes to looks and everything. I guess your wondering what I could have possibly got out of this movie besides a waste of two hours, well there was a nice ending to be honest. The guy throughout the movie was told and felt like this girl was out of his league, that he was a hard 5 while she was a perfect 10. At the end there is this overwhelming realization so to speak that it's not that he isn't good enough for this girl, but he isn't good enough for himself.

This kinda is true though if you think about it. I mean I'm not gonna lie I have had those feelings before that I just was not good enough for someone. It's funny really because if you take the time to think about it that person wouldn't be talking to you or with you if they felt that was the case. People can have bad experiences or made to feel not worthy which can change the way they view themselves. I for one never got much attention from boys besides on the soccer field or dealing with homework so I got down on myself. You set restrictions or give yourself a number to avoid getting your hopes up and getting hurt. The truth is your only hurting yourself because the people you push away may very well like you and see you clearer then you see yourself. I'm getting use to this idea more and more over the past year and I'm still working on it. You have to see the beauty in yourself for someone else to see it in you. It is all about being comfortable and confident!

So this leads me to my summer goal. Some of you may know that I have been trying to workout more and loose weight. The great thing is that for once I am actually doing it and succeeding. I have always felt uncomfortable and I have been less then confident in my body, well I am happy to report a turn around. After hard work and eating right I have gained a lot more confidence and comfort with myself, I would go as far to call it pride. In total at this point I have dropped 20 lbs this year, which is a lot and I'm still pretty far from my goal. Hopefully (fingers crossed) I will be at goal weight by the end of the year. Regardless I feel amazing and I know it shows based on how much I've been smiling and how much fun I had at the club last weekend. One thing I know now more then ever is that I am good enough...for myself, if you don't like it there's the door.
Here's Hoping I Keep it Going and Keep Smiling!

Starting Over

So first I want to apologize for all the kinda depressing posts...my bad...lol. Being locked up for a long time, bed rest, oh and being home can have a strange effect on me, sorry bout that. Now I plan on starting over...hi I'm Megan how are you? lol Seriously though I guess I'm trying to turn over a new leaf like always. I seem to be on a quest for the right leaf, never seems to find it though.

In other news I have truly made an effort to at least clean house in the literal and figurative sense. Not only is my house a lot cleaner (with the exception of my room which is a work in progress) I have made some big girl decisions about who should be in my life. I deleted some numbers and I'm being brave not knowing where life is gonna take me, but knowing certain people are not gonna be on the journey with me. I told a friend about it and we kinda laughed. See maybe its just us and being stubborn, but we held on to people longer then we should've, 4 years to be exact. Our thinking being that we loved them and though we may not be together that friendship was worth hanging on to for all its worth...but it wasn't. Now I have no hard feelings, but its kinda sad and hard to cut ties with someone you were so close to. My friend pointed out it was much needed though because after a while the friendship was one sided and not a strong as it was before. You just have to press on and know that some people are not meant to be there forever even if you want them to be. So I did it, I let go and surprisingly I am still alive lol.

Alive enough to work at my new desk, clean up my stuff and try and organize myself some before the end of the month...when I have to pack up again to head back to school. In the meantime I've been trying to workout and play Just Dance as much as possible....with the exception of when I get distracted by Pinterest...lol

Here's Hoping for Many More Bright Days! (Not too bright, can't stand this 110 Degrees Thing)

New Music Suggestions

I'm posting some singers that I recently found that's music is really good, they have all been singing for a while, but they might be new to you so check them out!

Tony Lucca- Tony was on The Voice this past season, but he has been singing for a while. He got to the finals of the voice and came in 3rd. He became a favorite of mine so I looked up more of his work. He has a nice voice that has some grit to it and he can pretty much sing anything. Tony has made a few records and keeps to a blues, rock type music. I posted two links one an awesome version he did of Britney Spear's "Baby One More Time" on the show, which give the song a manly edge lol. The other link is of a song he did before the show called Pretty Things, its really beautiful so take a listen.
Tony "Baby One More Time"
Tony "Pretty Things"

Cher Lloyd- Cher came out on the X-Factor in Britain not long ago and sang Turn My Swag On the Keri Hilson version. She was impressive from the beginning and based on the amount of videos I found of her she was eliminated, but she lasted a long time on the show. Her style is a mix of pop and hiphop and is actually pretty good. I just like her voice and her songs are pretty catchy. Below is a link to one of her videos...I think her second single. If you like her check out "Superman" or "Love Me For Me" (I have these two stuck in my head).
Cher "With Your Love" feat Mike Posner

Max Milner- Another british artist who made his big screen debut on The Voice Britain. He has a grit to his voice as well...hmmm maybe there is a pattern there..lol. I found him looking for mashups and watched his voice audition, check the link below, which was amazing. He apparently made it pretty far, but didn't win. Max played with a band before the show and has a voice that kinda reminds me of The Script.
Max's Voice Audition

AHMIR- These boys I was shown freshmen year at Knox and they are really really good. They have amazing harmony and sing just about anything. I actually really liked their rendition of a Taylor Swift song...which is surprising because I don't really like her music that much. They have done tours and continue to post new videos mixing songs together or just singing it their way. If you like the link below check out their Channel on Youtube.
AHMIR "You Da One" feat Alexis Goddard

If you got any new music suggestions add a comment!

Getting Rain in this Drought!

Finally today it rained here at home. We were needing it too because it was pretty much a heat wave mixed with a drought. It got me thinking about things. For one I love rain so I chilled under the gazebo as long as I could, but it got me thinking about...and go with me on this...sustainus. What it is that makes us survive and feel good? Everyone clearly needs water and food to live, but there are things we all individually need based on who we are. I for one need people, I love being social and I know plenty of people who are the same. Other people might need a camera, canvas, chocolate, music, or the great outdoors. Each person has something that they love that makes them happy so much so that it becomes apart of them. Whatever it is you have to have it to survive, to be you. So I guess I am just writing this because it made me think about what makes me, me. Its funny how rain can make you see things differently. It clears things up in a way. So do what makes you happy, feed yourself with whatever it is that makes you tick because you should never live in a drought for long.
Here's Hoping The Rain Clears Your Sight Too!

A Girl's Best Friend

Yes... the correct answer is normally diamonds, but in my case diamonds are little compared to man's best friend...in other words I want a dog! lol
Ever since I was a little girl I wanted a pet, to the point that I would go to the library and read how to take care of them and all the different types. I have always loved animals and always thought about working with them when I was younger. When I got older my parents basically told me that our house was a mess (which hasn't changed) and there is no way we were ever going to get one. This broke my heart because I wanted an animal to pet, take for walks, and play with. I sadly have to live through others, mainly my cousins and their pets. There is something about the connection you can have with an animal and the happiness that comes with that. One day, I hope soon, I can make this dream come true and have my own dog. I am not super picky and wouldn't mind any dog...but I really want a Lab (center) or Samoyed (right). The nice thing about having one now is that it would give me something to do like go for walks or go to the park with someone so I won't be alone in this house. Here's Hoping Someday I Will Get My Best Friend!

Pushing People Back

Its funny how life can spin you around. I have said time and again how I hate to be alone. It truly is a fear of mine, maybe because it is hard to sit with myself day after day or watch others happy with friends or their lovers. Regardless, I find myself being counterproductive. I push people away, mainly to save them. I push away people I love and care about because I fear they will never love me back or shouldn't have to deal with me. Underneath the smile is a girl who has deep scars and no one worth salt would probably want to deal with or help with that. I have a few people in my life who stick around and even then I try not to put too much on them, its not fair to them...yet there are plenty of people who walk straight out of my life which hurts me more then anything.

I have sat in this bed with little to do besides think and I have thought both the good and the bad. I guess I wished I would stop falling for people who end up hurting me or think very little of me. I am so use to that game though that I look for little else. It is funny how being single can not only liberate, but scare you. I have had so much fun and done what I please, but the thought of a relationship almost scares me. There is a fear of getting caught in the same trap I have been in before, another failure or painful place. How am I suppose to believe I can factor more from a relationship other then lies, needs, and scars. Not one person has truly made me think that there could be something else out there, someone who cares enough about me as I care about them. (That is a lie, there is one person, but....that is another story that I am still unsure of.) Everyone else has really left me with a lack of confidence in myself or the whole idea of love. How can I believe I am worth more then I am given? How can I believe there is happiness and peace out there for me when all I have been apart of is flimsy use and stupid lies? I guess I push away people because I am trying to protect myself, keep myself safe from the heartbreak and the use. I just want someone to look at me and instead of seeing the scars and running away they realize I am a fighter. I want someone who calls just to talk or comes to see me because they want to and miss me. Is it too much to ask for someone to want me, silly old stupid me, for all that I am and have to offer? Or maybe I'm not worth more then a text or the occasional call beyond a need. Here's hoping someone will change my mind on that!

Disney

Oh Disney how you have steered me wrong...lol
Ok so I was raised among the best Disney movies if I say so myself. I mean there were so many amazing Disney movies the came before my generation, but you can't deny the amazingness of The Lion King. Any who I realize that most Disney movies relay some lies such as happy endings, prince charmings, oh and dreams can come true. Don't get me wrong these are beautiful stories that I still get lost in even at 21, but I can't deny that life is far from a fairy tale. Things don't always work out and life sadly is hard. There is no fairy godmother to grant your wishes and make dreams come true, honestly that's on you. If you are not happy with something it is up to you to change it. Great advice given by a true hypocrite, but the message is still right and true.

I am still trying to make my life my own and live each day for what it is. Everyday is a challenge with all the outer and inner turmoil going on, but I still get up every morning and do it again. There is something about the Disney stories that children and adults a like get lost in and I think it is the beautiful ending. My life might not have a happy ending at the end of the day, but these characters triumph over evil villains and live happily ever after. In the end that's what we all want, we all want to make it through the day and have that victory at the end, the happiness that makes the day to day stuff worth while...even if it doesn't always happen. We each have our own personal goal or dream...mine: true love wouldn't be at all bad...lol. I guess one day I will find it, but it won't happen like the movies I'm sure. I have yet to meet a prince charming that sweeps me off my feet, at the very least a guy who cares enough about me not to hurt/ use me. Yet, like I said before maybe that's on me. I am taking on life and I have set backs with everything, but I am trying to move forwards and make things better. Work on the things I don't like and be happy with what I have. I'm no Cinderella and my Prince ain't coming so I might as well smile and go about my day. That being said I will always be a die hard Disney fan and though they may have me dreaming about things that will never come true it is still a nice get away from the craziness around me.

Make-up and Me

So I have never been a truly girly girl. I never was the one to pick up make-up or talk about smackers lip gloss during recess, instead I was the tomboy who wanted to play soccer with the guys instead. In a way I haven't really grown out of that because I still run with the boys and to be honest I prefer it most of the time. With that being said I never really wore make-up unless it was for a dance recital and my mom typically put it on making sure my lips and eyes stood out on stage. This changed as I got older in terms of covering pimples and under eye circles with concealer. Now I have gotten a little more comfortable with make-up but not much. This year started out like most where make-up was on of the last things that came to mind in my morning routine. I was basically all natural until I had a discussion with a guy friend and I guess I changed my tune. I started wearing make-up to I guess attracted people's attention to my eyes and just give my face color.

Currently, I guess I am finally finding the perks of make-up. Yes, I still am putting on stage make-up and dancing my heart out, but I guess I am finding my way into using it on a daily basis. I am trying to get better at putting it on, but I really don't know what I am doing...thanks to some awesome friends though I have gained some knowledge and some new make-up. I don't think that make-up is the number one priority and makes a girl that much better, yet its fun and a great way to make you blend or stand out. I have a great heart and personality...make-up just helps me feel pretty :)

That being said if you know how to do make-up or have tips hit me up because I am struggling to figure it out lol. I would love to be someones blank canvas or at least have some lessons. Here's hoping I figure it out soon so I don't look like a raccoon...lol

Never Show Your Tears

"And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I'm, in this condition
And I've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry"

Rihanna-Cry

Before we get started let me caution this with saying I'm not trying to make this a sad or upsetting post...just had an experience I wanted to share.

Its funny how music always seems to tie to life. Its the poetry that can speak for a moment better then our own words at times. I had a moment where this was more true then I can even explain. The other night I had one of the most honest and serious conversations with a friend about defining our relationship...meaning what was going on between us. As we talked and had long, epic pauses this song played. I never heard it before this night but listening to every word I couldn't relate more to this song in this moment. I'm literally sitting in a car parked in front of my house listen to the lyrics of this song while a friend basically is considering walking away from me. Mind you his reason was to save my heart from getting hurt and toyed with, but regardless the idea cut so deep. I have watched people come and go unsure of what I did that made them leave. It is the most painful thing to watch someone you have trusted and cared about walk out on you as if you mean nothing. This year I feel like I basically watched one of my other friends do the same and I have come to terms with that, he wasn't worth it. Yet, having gone through this many times before has made me cautious about sharing and trusting people. I will fight for people and be there regardless, I know this is true because regardless of how I am treated I follow through. This song came to life this night for me for this reason and hit on this fear of being walked out on and left hurt like I have so many times before.

As for the title it comes close to the last line of the lyrics posted. No matter what happens or how you make me feel I won't cry in front of you. I have emotions, but some people shouldn't see them or deserve to see them. I know that this past year I cried more then I ever wanted to and regretted it more then I can explain. I hate showing tears and letting people affect me that way. To me it is a sign of weakness, maybe the leftover feeling reinforced by my dad ("What are you crying about? Too emotional"). I'm strong and I refuse to let certain people realize they have that power over me any more. If you don't care enough about me to stay in my life you don't deserve tears let alone a piece of my heart. Call it cold, but maybe to survive you have to be a little cold otherwise you will get thrown around, used, abused in every way possible. In the end all you have is you so you better be strong enough to keep going alone. 

Out of Style

So I am cleaning my room and really going through my closet and I realize I have clothes that I keep that I don't really wear any more. The main reason they stay around is sentimental attachment, the memories or the idea that I will wear it again. I have no room for this in my closet or in my life. I have talked about letting go when it comes to people for forever now and clothes is not the same, but I know I can do it. I have had enough. I tossed so much that just wasn't worth keeping because I have so much stuff that I actually wear and use on the daily it seems pointless to keep what is just laying/hanging there. It just reminded me of life in that once you leave home you take things you are going to miss and try and keep things you like close. As you grow and change so does your style and who is in your life. Sometimes you have to clean out the closet and get fresh air.

I'm not saying I'm going to pitch him away or anyone for that matter, but I am not running after anyone either. If they want me they know where to find me.

As for clothes and cleaning the room is slowly evolving in my free time. There is progress, but I have a lot to clean and get rid of. At this point if I don't really use it, it is probably gone. Same thing goes with my life. Its like a late spring cleaning! LOL I collect so much random stuff and that in itself collects dust and dirt...lets just say its time for it all to go. This stuff is not my style, I am too old for it, or it is useless to have, regardless I have goals and this stuff has to go. My goal? A desk. Yes I want a legit desk in my room to put my school supplies in and on, a place for my computer and printer, and just an all around place for me to work on things.
So here's hoping I can see this goal come to light this summer!

Let Summer Begin!

Here's To Summer and all the craziness that I expect to go with it! lol

Welcome Home! Came back last Wednesday and things have been up and down. I am not fully complaining, but home isn't always what you remember it being. When you are away from something for so long you often miss the good things. In this case I missed my family, good food, a couple of friends...then you show up and things are not as nice as you remember them being. I know my family is on rocky times, but I got two months and I really don't want to deal with it. Somethings I understand and will help with anyway I can...yet my sister is a whole different problem that I don't even want to look at. I love my sister I truly do even if she doesn't believe it, yet some of the things coming out of her mouth make me want to slap her silly. But like I said: Not my problem.

On the brighter side I have been trying to stay busy and get out more. I of course went to visit one of my close guy friends the moment I got back because I did miss him (even though I ain't suppose to say that cuz he weird). I got to visit my grandma, go shopping, and even catch up with my friend Blair who I haven't seen in 3 years. I realize talking to him how much I have grown and how I really am coming into myself this last year: both the good and the bad. I dropped the bad and am watching myself to make sure it doesn't get bad. As for the good I am just doing things that I enjoy and making adventures for myself regardless because that's what I want. I truly want to evolve and grow this summer. I want to spend my time around friends that I love, traveling, doing things I haven't, and helping my family. I seem to always have these goals, but accomplishing a lot of my mini goals this year really has me thinking I can make this happen :)
So...here's hoping I have more crazy stories and adventures this summer then all those before. If you want to be a part of it hit me up and we can make it happen, otherwise I will keep you posted...lol

Given the World

On this wonderful Mother's Day I thought of a million different things. One is how much I would love to be home, but I gave up that chance to do something for my family. I made the sacrifice of not being home to be the first person in my immediate family to graduate from a 4 year college and go into a career of my choosing. So because of this I don't get to go home that much and I work my butt off everyday to be someone my parents can be proud of. They worked so much and gave up so much for my sister and I that I can't help but respect them and want to be like them. My mother and father worked so hard and took shifts raising us. My dad made the sacrifice of giving up his world, his home, and his job for love and for us. He is a blue collar worker who worked nights to be home with me and my sister during the day. My dad was there for my sister and I all day taking care of us and running us to school, practices and home again. My mom worked mornings and afternoon at a good job to make money for our family. She pushed us to succeed and got us involved in things like dance and softball. The way my mother handled things and her example is what I took the most from her. She is fully determined and always had such pride in herself. Her nature and belief has been passed down to me, especially the mentality of if you think I can't do something watch me prove you wrong. I am a child born to two parents who wanted to give me the world and in some way they have. They have given me roots and now I have little wings. I have parents who inspire and create the woman that I am today and I love them so much for all they have given me. With out them the person that I am today wouldn't be as great...lol
Love You!!!

A Wise Guy Said...

A wise guy once told me something...he said he couldn't dance but he could...that's another story though.
This wise guy said something that made me actually believed that he cared about me, but also allowed me the challenge of thinking through something I have been doing for way to long. He said, "just don't see why not having a lot of options should allow someone to treat you bad."

I legit stopped and read that line over and over again before responding. I don't think I have ever heard or read a line so powerful, though I can't really explain why. To me it was a question that I never thought about and never tried to answer before. I have told people time and again that I "pick them good" so to speak, but I never tried to figure out more. I basically looked at the situation as I just don't bring much to the table and people don't necessarily want what is out there so options are slim to none. I end up with the few who don't care, especially those who don't care about sh*t. This one message though rang loud and clear: It's not ok!

I have power to just let people go and throw them back in to the big ocean. In my mind for way to long it has been ok with accepting sh*t, but it has become way more clear as to why this is. I want to be " a girl/ woman". I want a person to make me feel special and hold me, heck even the worst guys I've met could do that. I guess I fall for people who show interest because it gets tiring carrying the world on your shoulders and never letting down your guard. Many people know I have been through hell and back and I am still here. I go day to day with a smile on my face and being strong/ tough in order to protect myself and take care of everyone else...sometimes I just want to let go and have someone take care of me. I don't necessarily mean pamper me with massages and things, but it feels good to have someone make sure you get home safe at night, hold you when your freezing, or tell you everything will be ok when your upset. I don't want to be seen as weak so instead of being comforted and relaxing I stand firm and keep walking. Think of it this way: Picture in your mind someone carrying baggage, a couple heavy duffles and two heavy rolling bags. If there face looks painful you more likely to stop and help....but if they are smiling even though they are walking super slow you might walk by thinking they can handle it. Well, sometimes I can't handle it....but you didn't hear that from me.

So yes I make poor choices for no good reason, but at least I can answer that question now.

This post is dedicated to a wise guy who made me think and truly I owe much thanks to over the past term.

*Extra!!! (Bringing back an old poem I wrote...it seemed to fit)

I Pick Them Good
I think back on all my heartache,
I wonder what went wrong.
Feeling like a tired verse,
In an outdated song.
I think about their faces,
And how they swept me off my feet.
Yet they all ended up dropping me,
Really hard on cold concrete.
My life has been like a broken record,
Spinning round and round.
I try to pick the guys who are different,
Yet I always feel so bound.
Bound by the laws of attraction I guess,
These feelings deep inside.
These guys seem so perfect,
Yet they have so much that they hide.
They have great personalities,
They know just what to say.
But yet what they have put me through,
Would make any girl run away.
There seems to be a pattern,
Though I would hate to admit.
The guys I end up falling for,
Hurt me bit by bit.
It hurts so much,
Cuz I love them so.
But yet they don't feel the same,
Because they let me go.
I guess I should've seen it coming,
Like any girl would.
But what can I say,
I pick them good.

1 Month Later

Taking in the sights and sounds of life. One month or so since my last post and a lot has gone on. My life has gone up and down, but I think I've grown from it all. I some how made it through teaching the whole morning of 1st grade for some odd weeks now. I have managed to not kill anyone and make an amazing dance with my partner in crime Mac. Flunk Day (day of debauchery and no classes) finally happened and I got to cross off some serious mini goals. The weather has gone up and down and so has my mood. I guess its the stress of getting ALL THE THINGS done and still surviving this term. It seems easier said then done by far, but I will pull through. I know the other thing I have to stress about is waiting for me with open arms at home. Nothing says summer like family issues and cleaning :)

In other news I think I'm just going to let my mind go and type some nonsense...
I guess I have been thinking too much again, but at the same time I feel like I have gotten into a mess of sorts. I have managed to open so many doors and follow so many paths that I am getting dizzy. I can't commit to just one because I guess I am scared...that is except for one path. I been crawling on this path for what feels like forever, but I can't turn back. It is like I see the light more and more. I know it just as well could be an illusion, but I just want it to be real so bad. So I guess this is were questions come into play: If you have been waiting for something so long should you continue to wait? Am I crazy for wanting to, for caring so much about something that may never be?

I probably am, but its hard especially if what you are waiting on is a person. In someways a person is worse then anything else because they are never truly yours and they are so complicated. For example, if I look at myself I get so confused with people and life, but still have moments of clarity. I know if someone hurts you that they should be gone, especially those who use you, but I guess sometimes things hold me back from letting go. At times its my warped idea of love and maybe not truly loving someone, but caring about a part of them or who you think you see. (More To Come!!!!)

Labels

Who are you? How do you define yourself?

I feel like when you go to small schools all your life its easy to fall into the pit of labels. You get labeled, you label others, some where them with pride, while other hide them in shame. Mistakes can get you labeled, but so can personal beliefs. Labels are so messy and confusing it really shouldn't be used, but I don't know if that day will ever really come. I say that because as open minded as I am I know I label too, its difficult to not do.

Looking at myself I know I get labeled so many different things, some I wear with pride, while some I worry people take the wrong way. I think half the problem with labels is that people are assuming so much about a person with out really knowing them or trying to understand the truth. I really dislike word of mouth, I would rather go right to the source...though people might not always be willing to discuss something at least I asked, at least I attempted to get the truth.

Labels can cause a lot of pain and sometimes people don't realize a good thing can be bad too. I know it doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. I guess to me lately my life has come into perspective and the idea of being labeled an "awesome friend" has both benefits and frustrations. Don't get me wrong I love being a friend to people and helping them out when they need me...I just worry I get labeled that too much.

Why would this be a problem? Good question.
For one it opens me up to get taken advantage of, used because people can count on me and know I will be there regardless. The one that's kinda bugged me lately is the fact that I get labeled as this friend, when sometimes I want to be more. I would love to eventually have a relationship or at least be able to talk to someone, which is hard to do when people just don't look at you that way at all. Not much I can do about I know, but heck it gets frustrating sometimes. I am content right now being single I just wished people actually saw more in me...I mean I see it. (Maybe these people need glasses? lol) I think to other frustration is I can't catch a break, this really has nothing to do with anyone else but me. I just feel that every person I get close to runs me over or plays me hard. Whoever I'm suppose to be with is out there just not sure where right now...lol, I guess I hope he doesn't pass me up because of my friend label...Here's Hoping!!!

Poetry In Motion

"You might get lost in the rhythm, you might get lost in the rhyme, but if you keep the flow your passion will never die."-me

I know it sounds crazy and almost weird, but just in the past hour everything is coming together for me. I'm falling into place and finding some comfort with everything (not sure how long it will last, but...yea lol). I am feeling my life right now is poetry in motion.

Let me break it down: The way I see it, sometimes you can get into the rhythm, feeling yourself when reading or reciting poetry, but when you write it sometimes it is so hard to get started. For me when its something I haven't done in a while or never done at all it is even more pressure and fear.  Once you get past the starting gate though the words just come to life and they flow off the page.

Currently my life has been like that, I have all these fears with starting all these new things: choreographing, dancing, writing lessons, teaching. I mean there is just a lot going on and I have been feeling so overwhelmed. So overwhelmed in fact that I have been questioning what I am doing and if it is really for me. I want to do well not just for me, but so many other people in my life in one way or another, so I figure that's where the fear comes from. I fear that I am making the wrong decisions and in turn going to let people down. My life has been through more ups and downs then one can imagine. I keep all the crazy tailored back so know one can see it or realize how much of a mess I am. I am trying to be strong and deal with all this fear and frustration.

Yet, I found peace today...I danced my hardest and felt amazing. Yes, I need practice and get it down more before saturday, but you know what...that's life. Dance is my poetry. I may pick up on most the steps and fear the ones I can't remember or don't have down perfectly, but that's what practice is for. I am on a practice cycle with life right now. I am learning how to be a teacher and I won't be perfect, same thing with choreographing...I'm gonna learn and get better. The poem isn't over it is still being written, I'm feeling it out and trying to find the right words.
Here's Hoping I remember this and don't freak out!

End of Rapunzel's Spring Break

So this is my last day of Spring Break. Tomorrow I drive back to school and waste time till Wednesday when class starts and life begins. Its funny how when you first go to college how everything is a challenge, heck even making it to that point is stressful. You feel like you are just not even smart enough to be there and you keep making baby steps term by term. Every class feels harder then the one before it and  then you get to this point in your junior year...I realize now how far I have come and how much further I still need to go. Becoming an adult is right there, not only can I see it I know it scares the crap out of me. All I want to do is run, but I know that I won't...I know what is expected of me in the next year or so and I have a lot of things to do and people to take care of. I can't back down now.

Yet, what I wanted this break that I still haven't found is freedom. I crave the freedom to do what I want, to have fun, to have adventure. The closest I get to this feeling is when I am at school. I have the freedom to make choices and define my life. I get to go out and hang out with friends with out feeling pressured to be home and take care of people. Its funny how when you are away from home you miss your family, but when you come home you remember why you don't want to stay. At home there is nothing to do, no one to really see, but all the responsibility and headaches that come with my family. Don't get me wrong I LOVE them to pieces, but sometimes you need some stress relief, some fun. Sadly, there is nothing to do and no where to go, call me Rapunzel locked in a tower. Imprisoned by a protective family and responsibility to all. Here's Hoping It Gets Better!!!

Love Fell Out With Me...

"Falling in Love with Love is falling for make-believe!
Falling in Love with Love is playing the fool!
Caring too much is such a juvenile fancy!
Learning to trust is just for children in school.
I fell in Love with Love one night when the moon was full
I was unwise with eyes unable to see!
I fell in Love with Love with love ever-lasting.
But Love fell out, with me!!! "

Well I took the lyrics from the Cinderella movie, but I guess it kinda makes sense. Don't assume I am writing this out of anger or sadness because in reality I am pretty happy right now being free and single. I guess I just got this song stuck in my head and kinda related. I feel like I fall in love with people now and in the past who in turn let me down or at least make me feel stupid. It is hard to trust people after everything I have been through, but I keep trying. I just wish things got easier or people were more reliable. I end up feeling like a fool with all these people who turn their back on me when I never turn my back on them. I have so much respect for love and its power. I guess that's where the little girl in me comes out. I look at love as this amazing, beautiful, and wondrous thing. I fight for the people I love and I don't back down, but not everyone looks at love that way. Some people don't feel its worth the fight or they are not even open enough to love. I guess I can say I am one of the lucky ones because I have been in love, even though the love did not last. I know what it feels like, I know the challenges, and yet I'm still hoping to find love again. My problem is lately I have fallen for the wrong people as may of us do. I fall in love with who people CAN be and they break my heart with who they ARE. I see the good in people and the amazing strength, resilience, and heart that they have even if they don't show it or see it in themselves. It tears me in two sometimes because I fall and fight for this person I see when this person can be a jerk, stubborn, or hurtful to me. I guess what bothers me about it now is that I feel I deserve more. I deserve to be cared about in the same way I have cared so much about others. I should never be hurt on purpose or brought to tears. I am finally realizing that I can have it all because I deserve it. I might not be a super model or  an insanely amazing athlete, but I am beautiful and so is my heart. One day someone will see this and love will find its way back to me again....but until then I am going to have fun and be crazy, funny, adventurous me! Here's Hoping Love Finds It Way To You Too!

The Buzzards and the Bees

 

Ok maybe not the happiest title, but hey I do what i can :)
So the post this week is about relationships...so much to say and so little time....I mainly want to cover a couple of things 1) Communication, 2) Arm Candy, and 3)Being Alone. All of these are extremely intense and long topics so i will try to be brief. Understand also my views and opinions on this might differ then yours I'm stating things from my perspective and my experiences so read this with an open mind.

1. Communication
I really feel like this is key to no matter what relationship you are involved in. It is hard to have good communication, trust me i am struggling with it. Yet, I figure the biggest and best way to communicate with someone is to be honest and upfront. People don't always pick up on little signals....especially guys, lol...so its best to just talk to someone. Explaining where you are coming from, what you want, or just asking a person what they think of you clears up so much that can be misconstrued by actions, phrases or texting. Also, since I mentioned it serious conversations should be avoided at all cost via text message, so much gets confused and there is a lot lost in the lack of tone and inflection of a voice, its not personal enough to be used to give support or comfort. Its also important to consider the other person and their feelings about a situation, but think about how not communicating what you need will effect your relationship with them too. I am a true believer in honesty is the best policy, I have been protected by lies before and to be honest...when the truth is revealed it is a lot worse then anything you could of hurt me to begin with. If something is hurting you, your concerned, have questions, or you are just confused...I hate to say it, but having the courage to ask and figure things out is probably best way to go. You might think it will screw up your relationship, or idk bother the other person, but if that person is worth being in your life they will accept you and the conversation because they want to make sure everything is clear and good.

2)Arm Candy
Ok maybe it is just me, but lately I have seen a trend in guys hanging out/ dating girls with little to no substance. I get it, its fun and good at the time but it just makes me shake my head. Let me not turn this into a rant though lol. I guess the whole point of this is to point out that if you not the arm candy or some popular girl among guys it doesn't make you any less amazing or worthy. I also want to point out the fact that their are girls out their who are amazing and have so much more to offer, sometimes you got to work to find them and sometimes they right in front of your nose, but they out there. I am aware that people are not always looking for relationships, more like fun weekends...even if you are that doesn't mean that these amazing girls don't feel/ want the same. I just don't like watching people get less then they deserve girls and boys alike.

3) Being Alone
Ok, so maybe I am not the best person to speak on this but hey...I mean I thrive on relationships, no lie...I am currently living the single life right now....guess what....I ain't dead lol. Not being in a relationship doesn't kill you even though at the time it feels like murder. As a single person there is different things you can have then when you are in a relationship, but as we all know there are somethings you just don't get or at least not in the same caliber as when you are in a relationship. Regardless I guess people look at being single as being alone. I know I have...but it really isn't. Some people take being single in stride and live it up, that's good. I know other people look at as a prison sentence almost. People loose hope after a while, thinking that love ain't coming there way. Just because they haven't found you yet don't mean they not out their, its hard to think positive but you have to not focus on that and live your life. Finding a solid place for yourself and taking this time to know yourself better makes you that more aware of what you want in a partner and ready for them when they come in your life. Relationships are a part of life, but it is not everything. Your health, your heart, and just your being is just as important and you shouldn't give that up for a relationship or loose any part of yourself for one. If that person comes in your life and doesn't make you want to be a better person and doesn't push you in some way then they probably are not the person you looking for.
Here's Hoping This Made Some Sense!!!
Advice to consider: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0bsd4l_QqM