Never Show Your Tears

"And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I'm, in this condition
And I've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry"

Rihanna-Cry

Before we get started let me caution this with saying I'm not trying to make this a sad or upsetting post...just had an experience I wanted to share.

Its funny how music always seems to tie to life. Its the poetry that can speak for a moment better then our own words at times. I had a moment where this was more true then I can even explain. The other night I had one of the most honest and serious conversations with a friend about defining our relationship...meaning what was going on between us. As we talked and had long, epic pauses this song played. I never heard it before this night but listening to every word I couldn't relate more to this song in this moment. I'm literally sitting in a car parked in front of my house listen to the lyrics of this song while a friend basically is considering walking away from me. Mind you his reason was to save my heart from getting hurt and toyed with, but regardless the idea cut so deep. I have watched people come and go unsure of what I did that made them leave. It is the most painful thing to watch someone you have trusted and cared about walk out on you as if you mean nothing. This year I feel like I basically watched one of my other friends do the same and I have come to terms with that, he wasn't worth it. Yet, having gone through this many times before has made me cautious about sharing and trusting people. I will fight for people and be there regardless, I know this is true because regardless of how I am treated I follow through. This song came to life this night for me for this reason and hit on this fear of being walked out on and left hurt like I have so many times before.

As for the title it comes close to the last line of the lyrics posted. No matter what happens or how you make me feel I won't cry in front of you. I have emotions, but some people shouldn't see them or deserve to see them. I know that this past year I cried more then I ever wanted to and regretted it more then I can explain. I hate showing tears and letting people affect me that way. To me it is a sign of weakness, maybe the leftover feeling reinforced by my dad ("What are you crying about? Too emotional"). I'm strong and I refuse to let certain people realize they have that power over me any more. If you don't care enough about me to stay in my life you don't deserve tears let alone a piece of my heart. Call it cold, but maybe to survive you have to be a little cold otherwise you will get thrown around, used, abused in every way possible. In the end all you have is you so you better be strong enough to keep going alone.