Its funny how life can spin you around. I have said time and again how I hate to be alone. It truly is a fear of mine, maybe because it is hard to sit with myself day after day or watch others happy with friends or their lovers. Regardless, I find myself being counterproductive. I push people away, mainly to save them. I push away people I love and care about because I fear they will never love me back or shouldn't have to deal with me. Underneath the smile is a girl who has deep scars and no one worth salt would probably want to deal with or help with that. I have a few people in my life who stick around and even then I try not to put too much on them, its not fair to them...yet there are plenty of people who walk straight out of my life which hurts me more then anything.
I have sat in this bed with little to do besides think and I have thought both the good and the bad. I guess I wished I would stop falling for people who end up hurting me or think very little of me. I am so use to that game though that I look for little else. It is funny how being single can not only liberate, but scare you. I have had so much fun and done what I please, but the thought of a relationship almost scares me. There is a fear of getting caught in the same trap I have been in before, another failure or painful place. How am I suppose to believe I can factor more from a relationship other then lies, needs, and scars. Not one person has truly made me think that there could be something else out there, someone who cares enough about me as I care about them. (That is a lie, there is one person, but....that is another story that I am still unsure of.) Everyone else has really left me with a lack of confidence in myself or the whole idea of love. How can I believe I am worth more then I am given? How can I believe there is happiness and peace out there for me when all I have been apart of is flimsy use and stupid lies? I guess I push away people because I am trying to protect myself, keep myself safe from the heartbreak and the use. I just want someone to look at me and instead of seeing the scars and running away they realize I am a fighter. I want someone who calls just to talk or comes to see me because they want to and miss me. Is it too much to ask for someone to want me, silly old stupid me, for all that I am and have to offer? Or maybe I'm not worth more then a text or the occasional call beyond a need. Here's hoping someone will change my mind on that!